Fredric Brown: Nothing Sirius

“She was a composite—what you would call an idealization. That, however, doesn’t matter. By studying you we learned that your civilization concerns itself with things, ours with thoughts. Neither of us has anything to offer the other. No good could come through interchange, whereas much harm might come. Our planet has no material resources that would interest your race.

I had to agree with that, looking out over that monotonous rolling clay that seemed to support only those few tumble-weedlike bushes, and not many of them. It didn’t look like it would support anything else. As for minerals, I hadn’t seen even a pebble.

“Right you are,” I called back. “Any planet that raises nothing but tumbleweeds and cockroaches can keep itself, as far as we’re concerned. So—” Then something dawned on me. “Hey, just a minute. There must be something else or who the devil am I talking to?”

“You are talking,” replied the voice, “to what you call cockroaches, which is another point of incompatibility between us. To be more precise, you are talking to a thought-projected voice, but we are projecting it. And let me assure you of one thing—that you are more repugnant physically to us than we are to you.”

I looked down then and saw them, three of them, ready to pop into holes if I made a move.

Back inside the ship, I said, “Johnny, blast off. Destination, Earth.”

He saluted and said, ”

Yes, sir,” and went into the pilot’s compartment and shut the door. He didn’t cone out until we were on an automatic course, with Sirius dwindling behind us.

Ellen had gone to her room. Ma and I were playing cribbage.

“May I go off duty, sir?” Johnny asked, and walked stiffly to his room when I answered, “Sure.”

After a while, Ma and I turned in. Awhile after that we heard noises. I got up to investigate, and investigated.

I came back grinning. “Everything’s okay, Ma,” I said. “It’s Johnny Lane and he’s as drunk as a hoot owl!” And I slapped Ma playfully on the fanny.

“Ouch, you old fool,” she sniffed. “I’m sore there from the curb disappearing from under me. And what’ s wonderful about Johnny getting drunk? You aren’t, are you?”

“No,” I admitted, regretfully perhaps. “But, Ma, he told me to go to blazes. And without saluting. Me, the owner of the ship.”

Ma just looked at me. Sometimes women are smart, but sometimes they’re pretty dumb.

“Listen, he isn’t going to keep on getting drunk,” I said. “This is an occasion. Can’t you see what happened to his pride and dignity?”

“You mean because he—”

“Because he fell in love with the thought-projection of a cockroach,” I pointed out. “Or anyway he thought he did. He has to get drunk once to forget that, and from now on, after he sobers up, he’s going to be human. I’ll bet on it, any odds. And I’ll bet too that once he’s human, he’s going to see Ellen and realize how pretty she is. I’ll bet he’s head-over-heels before we get back to Earth. I’ll get a bottle and we’ll drink a toast on it. To Nothing Sirius!”

And for once I was right. Johnny and Ellen were engaged before we got near enough to Earth to start decelerating.