Peter Prellwitz - Shards Book One

"Yes. That's true. But remember the night you almost escaped? Didn't you say you looked in the mirror?

? I nodded.? And why didn't you realize then that you were a girl? Or even when you first woke up and looked at yourself?"

"I… I don't really know. It didn't seem necessary. It was like…"

"It was like you already knew, down inside, what you were. And that's exactly what it is. I'm sure it's no surprise to you that our minds work at many levels. Some we have control over. Others, we can exert control if we wish, but don't need to."

"Sure. Voluntary and involuntary responses. Walking is voluntary, breathing is involuntary."

"Yes. But there are many other layers to each of those two generalities, Abigail. It's our life to understand the mind as thoroughly as we can, to better bring back ripes.

"One of those layers is physical self-perception. When we transferred your mind into your body, we didn't move the brain. It's been dust for centuries. You've been thinking of your brain as part of your mind, which is wrong. You've got to think of your brain as part of your body, which it is. With physical self-perception, it is mainly how your brain and body perceive each other. Your mind is reactionary.

That's why you didn't realize your femininity at the outset: Your brain and body had always been female, and your mind simply followed your brain's lead."

"Then it would be the same with physical activity. Just accept what the rest of me has always known. I get it!"

Susie smiled.? It's not so much a matter of 'getting it' as just letting it. Now, let's try again. You jump for it, and if you miss, just land the way you'd expect to land."

I tried again and again I couldn't quite make it. But when I fell, I just got ready to land on my feet, and I did. Susie clapped and stepped up, this time lifting me effortlessly to the bar.

I'm no gymnast, so I didn't steal the show. A couple of pull ups, a few pull overs and some swinging was my entire routine. I dropped back down, a little tired but happy. The others applauded. I threw my arms back and gave a little bow.

Susie was happy, too.? Not bad for a first time!? She began rubbing my arms and shoulders.? How do you feel?"

"Great! A little achy, I suppose, but not much. What next?"

She laughed.? You do want to try a little of everything. All right, how about a little martial arts. You sounded like you were quite good."

I looked down, suddenly less than happy.? That was a long time ago. I don't mean six hundred years, either. I was a very different kind of person in the military, and not someone you'd really want to know."

"I already know what kind of person you were. You sounded like you were a dog. Lieutenant Sanchez did have you pegged right.? She shook her head in mock amazement.? Even Raul can be right on occasion."

"Susan, he was only partially right.? She looked sharply at my use of her formal name and the insistence in my voice.? And that IHAD!… IHAD probably wouldn't have revealed all that much more."

"Don't underestimate our procedures. Come, let's have a tussle. I'll warn you, though, I'm rough.? She assumed standard attack posture.

Space magically cleared for us, and we drew a crowd simultaneously. I backed up, holding my hands out.

"NO! Susie! Don't! I don't want to do this!"

She approached silently. I backed up further.

"Susie, I'm serious! This isn't like the showers a few days ago!"

"This is exactly like the showers. It's part of the healing. Part of the way you become you. Come on, Abigail! Defend yourself!? She made a quick kick, which I sidestepped. She tried several more times, and I dodged them, avoiding physical contact. I was scared. For her.

"Susie! NO!"

"Defend yourself!? she yelled a third time. And then I was flat on my back, head ringing. She had used a double attack with a single feint and had landed a foot on my neck.

I stared up from the floor at Susie. She had taken an aggressive position I recognized immediately. Her smile was gone, replaced with grim determination. There was no humor in her eyes. I felt a twinge of fear.

Again, fear for her.

Shakily, I got to my feet and brushed myself.? Uh, if you don't mind, let me start off a little less…

oooofff!? Her arm slipped around my gut, doubling me. She brought a fast moving foot through mine and down I went.

Without thinking, I rolled clear but remained on my hands and knees, crouching. Others had gathered around watching. I felt a touch on my shoulder and looked up into the eyes of a young man, sweaty from his workout.

"Listen. When Lendler's like that, you better take it seriously. She hurts people."

"Uh, thanks, uhhh…"

"Billy. Private Billy Henderson."

"Thanks, Billy. I'm Abigail."

"Hi, Abigail. No kidding, though. You're in for it. Don't try to talk yourself out of it. Just try to live through it."

"But I'm not sure…"

"Move!"

I rolled clear of her slashing kick, but couldn't quite dodge her chopping right hand. I felt a burning sensation on my cheek as I again rolled clear. I felt the old flavor wake up in me and knew I had to stop it quick.

"Look, Susie! Not yet! I don't know if I can control… Aaahh!? She closed quickly, unbelievably quickly. I spotted her technique this time, and blocked her side chop while skipping over her swaying leg.

I meant to bring my weight to bear on her anchor leg, but her side chop crushed my feeble strength and floored me. I landed hard. I let out a cry and then another as her foot caught me in the upper chest, giving me my first experience at female anatomy pain. Not as bad as male anatomy pain, but not pleasant, either. I landed back near Billy. I tried to rise, but he held me down.

"Just stay down, Abigail! Lendler's a little softer if you stay down. Believe me, I know."

"Thanks, Billy. But that's not how the game is played.? It was rising in me, and while part of me wanted to push it away, the rest welcomed it.? How old are you?"

"I'll be nineteen in May."

"Eighteen, huh? Still school age. All right, let me conduct today's class.? I raised my voice a little,? Get ready to intervene at a moment's notice, okay?? They nodded, probably thinking they'd have to intervene to stop me from bleeding to death. Me, I had different plans.

I stood up. I was helpless now to the beast and let it rouse itself. The beast was why I fought in Recon so long ago. Almost an alter ego, when it woke up, I stopped being John, now Abigail, Wyeth. My men had seen it many times, because I had to call on it frequently during the desert and mountain campaigns of the Kilimanjaro offensive of the Twenty-first Century war. It was a remoteness that took me. Everything else was a situation to be dealt with as quickly and brutally as possible. I didn't fight to win, I fought to survive. I hoped, I prayed, I wouldn't hurt Susie badly. But I knew I'd try to kill her.

It growled at me, demanding the situation. I coolly told it my assets and limitations. I glanced at my enemy and located her strengths and weakness. The beast selected my best attack for disabling prior to killing. I slapped my hands together, then went down to a crouch, my hands evenly splitting my body weight with my legs.

Susie came at me again. Her slicing left foot was aimed at my head, but I could tell it was a feint, that it would be her anchor foot, planted near my left hand, in about one second, and that the real attack was her trailing right leg, which would bury itself in my chest, a weak attack unless she wore a hardened boot.

The counterattack for my weight was obvious and clear. And far more effective.

I crouched further, as if to dodge her left foot. It planted at my left hand and I spun myself to the left, chopping my right hand into her plant, knocking it into her swinging right leg. She fell into a heap and I pounced on her in a second. With cold efficiency, I shot two stiff fingers down to gouge out her eye. She was able to block it, but I managed to break one of her fingers. I felt nothing, nor did I even recognize her. I saw the look of anger in her eyes, and the sheen of pain as the bone snapped.