Peter Prellwitz - Shards Book One

"Now do you get it? Own up to it, girlie; you're a girlie."

"I already knew that.? I didn't feel too cooperative.

"Yes, you know it. But do you feel it? It can't just be in your head. It's got to be in your mind, your being, your… your soul.? She really was banging at this, but I had had enough. I felt a switch go off. But this time it had anger labeled on it.

"Just let it go! You don't have to pound it into me! I'm not an idiot!"

"Then don't act like one!? Susie spoke louder, more frustrated than mad.

"Me? You're the one trying to haul me into places I don't want to go or can't go! I'm done with the tour!

I'm going back to our room!? And I stalked off.

Or at least I tried to stalk off. I had kept telling myself that Susie was bigger and stronger than me, and that she could use force if she wanted to. She'd even said so, in a round about way, when explaining the reason behind using such young teens. But I don't think I believed it. I had looked up at her. I was in her underwear and it was too big for me, and her clothes almost hung on me. Yet I somehow knew I could handle her if I had to, which made me feel a bit more secure and in control. That security and control was about to become a shattered illusion.

I had gone five paces when I felt an iron grip latch onto my upper left arm, and then she was dragging back me into the ladies room. I screamed at her to let go of me, and used every ounce of strength I had to twist free, but I was helpless. The best I could do was stagger her walk a little, and not much at that.

She effortlessly slung me through the door and walked in after me. I heard her speak a quick word, and the door became solid. She grabbed me again and hauled me into the showers, which were abandoned at the time, though still wet from use. Again, she tossed me with ease into the middle of the slick tiling. I slipped and went down.

I rose to my feet, wet and angry. Who was she to… I didn't even bother trying to finish the thought. I just went at her. That little…

I was on the tiles again. I started to get up again when she walked up and heaved me up to then up off my feet. I landed, still in her grip, and began fighting like a wildcat. A desperate, terrified wildcat. Holding my shoulders, and ignoring my best blows, she slowly shoved me back to the shower wall, her face showing no emotion.

Suddenly, that wall became an enemy to me. To touch it meant defeat. I yelled and hit and tried to break free, all with no effect. Against every fiber in my being, I was being forced back. I didn't want her to win.

I didn't! I planted my feet and pushed back. Nothing. I lost a step, then another. I twisted my shoulders to wriggle free, and with my hands tried to hit her. But my reach only extended to her upper arms, and my fists pounded her like goose down. My skinny shoulders remained locked in her painful grip. I lost another step and felt the wall behind my foot. I used the wall as leverage and pushed with all my weight and strength. I felt an even greater force pushing back.

I looked up into Susie's eyes. She had tears in her eyes, and looked so very sad, but very resolved.

"I'm sorry. But you are going to learn.? And with that she pinned my shoulders against the wall.

The anger vanished as quickly as it had come upon me. I understood now. I started to sob, then openly cry. It was far worse than last night. The total realization of who and what I was enveloped my mind, my being, my soul. It was complete and final and devastating. I slumped to the wet tiling, wailing. Susan released my shoulders and pulled me into her embrace. This time, I felt no fear or discomfort whatsoever, but clung to her with even greater resolve than I had mustered to fight her. She held me tight to her breast, her fingers playing through my hair while my emotions ran their course. My tears poured down my cheeks as I cried and cried and cried.

How long we remained like that, I don't know. At least ten minutes. Perhaps as many as thirty. It was a long time before my crying settled down to sobbing, then whimpering. Susie held me close the whole time, patting me, whispering into my ear, comforting me with hugs, all while we huddled together on the floor of the women's shower. Any of these things would have irritated or shamed me had I been a man.

But I wasn't a man, nor would I ever be a man. I was a young woman, and all of these things suddenly meant the world to me.

I raised my tear-streaked face and looked into Susie's eyes, smiling shyly. She smiled quietly back at me and hugged me again. I closed my eyes and tried to lose myself in her strength. I heard a quiet step.

"Susie? Can we help?? asked a soft, quiet voice. It was one of the women who must have been locked in with us.

"Oh, thank you, Kerry. Yes. Would you see if the last shipment has her new clothes? If so, bring a change, please. And for me, too. We're soaked through and through, I'm afraid. Thank you."

I heard her and another woman move away quietly. Someone spoke, and I heard the door unlock and they were gone, the door locking behind them. I felt Susie take hold of me by the shoulders, but ever so gently this time, and pull me from her. She looked into my eyes, her own eyes still misty. She reached a hand to my cheek and wiped a tear.

"I'm so sorry. I knew this was coming, and I hated it, but it almost always has to be this way.? She stood up and helped me to my feet.? Let's get you cleaned up a bit."

We walked over to the sink and washed my face. Lifting my head from the still running tap, I looked straight into the mirror for the first time.

It was a young girl's face. Hazel eyes, brown, shoulder length hair, normal girlish features. A little coltish and not fully developed overall, but with a very nice mouth. I recognized it. It was my face. I looked harder. It was my face. My breath caught.

"I… I'm pretty!"

"Of course you are! But I wasn't going to tell you until you realized it. You probably would have slugged me."

I hung my head shamefully.? I-I-I'm sorry, Susie. I was terrible."

"Yes, you were. A bratty, headstrong, angry little witch. Exactly the way I was when I was fourteen.? I looked up sharply at her. I slowly nodded my head.

"You were right to do it. I-I thought I had done a pretty good job of dealing with this. Especially after my cafeteria performance. I guess I was fooling myself."

She smiled. It was nice to see the smile back.? You were fooling yourself. But don't short cred yourself, either. You showed yourself and us that you were a person, I just showed you that you were a female person. But being a person is more important. Being female is a bonus.? She smiled again at me, and I had to smile back.

"Until now, I guess I had seen it as, well, being a negative."

"Teenagers!? she chided.? Always full of opinions, and almost always wrong!? Her laugh robbed the words of any bite. I felt much better.

We heard the door open, and Kerry walked in with an armful of clothing. Kerry was an older woman, maybe fifty or so. Older? Fifty wasn't old. Yes, it was, I thought, if you were fourteen. I looked again, trying to use my mind, and she still looked fifty, but also younger than a moment ago. She had graying hair and laughter lines, but was in good shape physically. She smiled at me and set everything down on the counter. She picked up the top set of clothing and handed them to me.

"Here you go! They just came in and are made for a girl just your size.? She gave me a quick up and down.? Though I'll bet you grow out of them in no-"

"Thank you, Kerry,? Susie interrupted. Kerry flushed with realization. I was suddenly tired of this soft-stepping. Enough was enough.

"No, Susie, that's all right.? I looked at Kerry.? Thank you, so much, Kerry. Could you do me a big favor?"

"Yes,? she answered without hesitation.