Peter Anghelides - Another Life

She sat beside him on the sofa. ‘And I remember you thought that was a sexual practice.’

‘There were a lot of wankers in your wine club.’ He chinked his glass against hers.

‘Bloody cheek. And don’t just swig it down. Like this, remember?’ Megan swirled the wine around her glass and inhaled the aroma. ‘Don’t think I haven’t noticed that you came empty-handed tonight.’ She narrowed her eyes, and studied him a bit more closely. ‘Are those biscuit crumbs on your jacket sleeve? Or bits of old crisps? In fact, have you made any kind of effort this evening to…’

Her voice trailed off as she saw something else.

‘Is that a gun in your pocket, Owen?’

Owen shifted awkwardly on the sofa, straightened his jacket and trousers. ‘Yes, I’m afraid it is.’

Megan looked like she couldn’t decide whether to get up or to remain seated. She fidgeted with her glass. She set it down on the glass table-top. Changed her mind and transferred it to the tray. Twisted her necklace between her long, pale fingers. ‘Oh,’ she said eventually. ‘Oh God, you’re a gangster. A gangster with a gun. In my living room.’ She offered him a sort of desperate half-smile that seemed to beg him to contradict her. To reassure her. To say she was overreacting.

Owen listened to the sound of the rain battering the window for a while, thinking how best to go on. He took a gulp at the Château La Fleur.

‘I work for Torchwood,’ he began.

The second glass was better than the first, Owen decided. He’d helped himself, if only to punctuate his explanation with a pause to do something else.

He’d tried to explain, but his rehearsed routine from the car journey here had melted away into a mishmash of false starts and goings back and repetition. Megan had slowly relaxed into the sofa, bringing her legs up onto the cushion and cradling her glass lightly in both hands. He tried to decipher her expression, just as he had when they had lived together. In Balham, decoding her unspoken mood had been a different matter, the consequences less significant. In their kitchen as they cooked, could he escape some chore? In their hallway as he arrived back from university, had she caught him out in a small untruth? In their bedroom, was she expecting him to have noticed a change she’d made to the flat, her clothes, her hair? After making love, was she trying not to blurt out again that she loved him?

Here in her lonely, draughty maisonette, he watched her face for the familiar clues that he’d barely forgotten over the years. She couldn’t quite hold his gaze, affecting to study his jacket, or picking at crumbs on his trouser leg. Finally, she said in a quiet, faintly mocking voice: ‘So, you’re like Customs and Excise for aliens. You’re the space police?’

‘Police?’ Owen snorted, and immediately regretted the dismissive sound he’d made. ‘I mean, all that process and procedure and paperwork just get in the way.’

‘So you’re outside the law.’

‘You sound like Gwen. No, not that either. We’re… tangential to it.’ He rubbed pensively at his forehead. ‘It all seemed so much easier when Jack explained it to me that first time.’

‘Who’s Gwen? Your girlfriend?’

Owen wanted to snort again, but decided not to. ‘Hardly. Not my type. Think I’d need to be a bit desperate.’ He thought about Jack gripping Gwen’s waist as they’d risen towards the Hub exit. ‘New girl at work. I’m sure she’s not interested.’

‘And Jack?’

‘Guy who hired me.’

‘Your boss?’

‘We’re more of a team…’ The conversation was slipping away from him. ‘Thing is, Megan, I think you’d be interested in Torchwood. I think you’d be right for us.’ Megan was scratching idly at another crumb on his knee, so he grasped her hand. ‘I know you would.’

‘Is that the wine talking?’

‘It’s my instinct talking.’

Megan sat up straight, her eyes alive with anger. ‘Oh, where have I heard that before? No, don’t interrupt me, don’t you dare interrupt!’ She wasn’t having any difficulty meeting his gaze now. ‘It was your instinct that you couldn’t stay in London, wasn’t it? It was your instinct that you couldn’t be cooped up, or tied down. You men, you young SHOs, you’re all the fucking same. Fixing people up is like… like… building that coffee table. You follow the instructions, you put tab A into slot B, and they’re done. The people in your life can’t be put together so easily when they’re broken. When you break them.’ She was shouting now, enough to drown out the storm at the window.

He remembered. He hadn’t known what he wanted back then. He’d only known what he didn’t want. The weekly shop at Tesco. The visits to her sister in Penarth. The trips to Croydon Ikea, to buy furniture for the flat. Stuff that might do for when they got a bigger place together, she’d said. Flatpack furniture he could bear, just about. But he hadn’t been ready for a follow-the-leaflet life with Megan. He’d escaped by making a feeble excuse, because he could. He was able to walk away from it, away from her. And he hadn’t looked back as he left to see how much she was going to miss him.

‘Your fucking instinct was a lot of good for us, wasn’t it?’ Megan concluded, more quietly. ‘I thought you were joking when you first talked about how you’d always wanted to travel. Remember? You’d met a Kiwi at a gig in Battersea. That girl Esther that I said you were obsessed by, and oh no, you said, she was just so different, so fascinating . And we discussed whether New Zealand was as far away as you could get.’

Owen smiled. ‘Australia. We were in Hyde Park, August Bank Holiday, and it was pissing down. And we decided that you can’t get further away than Australia.’

She made an exasperated sound at him. ‘You might as well have been in Australia after we split up. After you left.’

‘I didn’t think you’d want a postcard,’ he replied. No, that sounded too hard, too dismissive. ‘It was all bullshit, you’re right. I didn’t get as far as Sydney. Not much further than Sidcup, come to think of it.’

‘Sidcup? So much for “I want to be the real me”, Owen. Remember? That was your piss-poor excuse for running away.’ Megan’s started to chuckle at this, and her head bobbed up and down. Owen grinned too, until he saw that her face was starting to crumple. She was sucking in little sudden breaths, her eyes squeezed tight, and the laughter was turning into sobs. He set down his glass immediately, and reached for her. She mumbled an incoherent sound, and waved him away. He tried once more, and she gestured again. Got up and left Owen alone in the room.

After a few seconds, he followed her out. Off to his right, her bedroom door snapped shut with a final click. ‘Oh, shit,’ he muttered under his breath. Well, his recruitment effort was going right down the crapper. Which reminded him… the sound of the rain seemed to be having an effect on him.

He had a languorous pee in the little bathroom. He lifted the lid, tried not to splash around the edge of the ugly avocado-coloured bowl, and flushed. There was no soap on the basin, so he looked in the little mirror-fronted cabinet above. Found a fresh bar next to a packet of triphasic contraceptives

— a familiar combination of ethinyloestradiol and levonorgestrel. As he rinsed his hands, he noted there was just one bath towel. A solitary splayed toothbrush. No evidence of aftershave in the cabinet or on the windowsill.

The bedroom door was still shut when he came out. Owen half-considered knocking. He even put his ear to the jamb in case he could hear anything, but the noise of the rain from the front door drowned out anything else. So he was surprised to find Megan was sitting on the sofa again as he returned to the living room. She’d brought through a small box of tissues. Her eyes were still reddened, but she had stopped crying.