Anthony DeCosmo - Disintegration

"That’s not what you’re running from."

The rain became a veil of water hanging in the glow of the security light.

He told her, "You’ve been hard and tough all your life and you’ve never run away before. You’re afraid of finding that there’s more inside. What is it you feel now? Guilt? Have you ever felt guilt before?"

She did not answer.

"I told you once that you were looking for something. I promised to tell you when the time was right."

The rain slammed against the pavement in a sea of water explosions creating a constant, drowning roar. Trevor felt a cold shiver shake his spine as the deluge poured upon him. The two dogs sat on the sidelines, their gray and black hair soaked through.

Nina ran the back of her hand across her face to clear a splash from her cheek.

Trevor dared a step closer.

"All your life you’ve wondered why you were different," he held his hands palms up as he spoke. "Why didn’t you fit in? Why weren’t you like the other kids? As you grew up, you watched what the other girls did and you copied them. You imitated them so that maybe they wouldn’t notice how different you were. But it was a lie."

A bolt of lightning arced overhead. A crackle of thunder boomed in response.

"When you were a woman, you went out with the boys. Sometimes…sometimes you let them…let them touch you. Let them do things…things they wanted to do. You hoped that if you let them then maybe you would feel something. But each time it was empty. Just empty feelings that faded away as fast as they came. And all that made you feel more alone."

Nina bowed her head.

"The one thing you were sure of was that you knew how to fight. You had strength. Courage. Speed. And when people saw that in you… when they saw such a beautiful woman…"

She raised her eyes at the word ‘beautiful’.

"…who was so strong and tough, they wondered; they wondered what had happened to make you that way. Was your father abusive? Or maybe you didn’t have a father. Or maybe when you were young some man hurt you…forced you…attacked you."

Beads of water covered his outstretched palms. Wet curls of hair sagged over her eyes.

"They figured there had to be a reason because no girl would choos e to be that way. No girl was naturally like how you were."

Nina burst, "There wasn’t anything! I loved my parents! I had a good family!"

"You grew up feeling different from the beginning. It didn’t take some outsider to make you who you are. You were that way from the start."

"I’m not like other people. I’m a monster…I don’t belong."

"You’ve been waiting, Nina," he pushed on through the drenching shower. "You’ve been waiting all your life for now. There’s more to you than fighting and killing, but it has been bottled inside waiting for all of this to happen," he waved his arms in the rain in reference to the new world in which they lived. "You’re like me but I had everything else before Armageddon. I had a life and love and hope. But I wasn’t a fighter. I wasn’t a leader. All of that was in me but I didn’t know it. This new world released it so I could do what I have to do."

"You’re not making sense! I–I’m leaving," she took a step but he blocked her escape.

"You’re not running away, Nina. I won’t let you. You’ve been looking all your life for the reason why you are who you are. That reason is right here…right now. If you embrace it, it will release the rest of you. You can find the person- the woman — inside of you without giving up the fighter. You can be whole, Nina."

The storm matched light with sound again.

"You’ve been looking for a cause; for a leader to follow. I offer myself as that leader. It’s why I’m here. It’s my purpose."

She staggered in the downpour, "I betrayed you!"

"Nina… I forgive you."

"Don’t! Don’t say that!"

"We need you. I need you, Nina. I need you to help me remember who I am. I need you to make this whole thing work. It falls apart without you."

"That’s a lie!" She wiped a wet curl from her eyes. "You don’t need me. You’re strong. You’re tough. You know everything you need to know."

"No I’m not. I’m not the toughest. That’s Jon. I’m sure as hell not the smartest. That’s Omar. I’m not the strongest. That’s you, Nina. You’re my strength. Stay here and we can find out what else you are. I can help you. We can all help you."

She did not speak.

"I’m a Jack of all Trades; a master of none," he told her because he knew there were limits to what he could "pick up" and how well he could do those things.

Trevor slowly, deliberately, knelt in front of her, first one knee then the other.

He asked, "What more can I do?"

It shocked her to see him on his knees.

"Stop it! Get up! You’re the leader. Leaders don’t get on their knees!"

"That's what I've learned, Nina. Leaders do anything for the cause. It isn't about ego; it's not about strength. It's about sacrifice. So I'm on my knees because I need you to stay. What will it take? I will humble myself. I will do whatever it takes to convince you because without you, we fail. Without you, I fail."

The puddle on the ground soaked through his pants. The rain splashed on his shoulders.

She stared at Trevor. She remembered the feelings that had been rising in her before the parasite had taken control. She remembered wanting to understand him; wanting to catch a glimpse of him. How she felt funny when he walked in the room.

Of course now all of that was gone. The feelings remained but she could never share them after betraying him so. She could never have what she feared her heart wanted.

Nevertheless, at that moment she understood those feelings clearly.

He found strength when he had needed to be strong. He fought when he had needed to fight. He had made mistakes, but not let them stop him. He had been decisive when decisiveness was called for; other times he had sought advice.

And at that moment, he humbled himself on his knees. He would disgrace himself. Shame himself. Kneel in a puddle of cold rain all for the sake of the great cause. No arrogance, no sense of self-importance. Only an understanding that he had one purpose in life, the way she felt she had only one purpose in life.

Trevor said through the blinding storm, "You deserve to be here more than any of us, because you have been ready for this moment all your life. You were strong before, while most of us are just finding that strength now. Stay here, with me. With us. Stay here and I promise I’ll help you find out more about who you are. Nina, I…"

The word came out of nowhere. He stopped, pushed it back, and hid it. He should not feel that way. The ghost of Ashley would not allow it. He could not let Nina go but he could not say what he wanted to say, either.

"I need you to stay," came the new words.

He feared she would walk away at that moment. Walk away and leave him kneeling in the rain. None of the tortures of The Order…none of the monsters of the new reality…none of them scared him as much as the thought of her disappearing into the night forever.

But she remained.

Nina held a hand to him. He grasped it and she lifted him to his feet.

The rain drove with a violent fury. The hair on both their heads had long since turned to soaking wet mops.

She searched his eyes…then bowed her head.

"I will stay," she spoke softly but with surety. "I will follow you. Whatever you tell me to do, I will do it. I am yours to command. I understand, now. I understand why Shep wanted to stay. I understand why people come from all around to find hope here. They do it because of you. Because of what you are. I will die for you. I will kill for you. Because you are truly a leader. You are my leader."