D. MacHale - The Rivers of Zadaa

I have feelings for Loor.

There, I said it. I can’t say I’m in love with her, I’m not even sure what that means. But as time goes on, I have found myself growing closer to her. It goes way beyond a physical attraction. Loor and I have been through so much together, I feel as though she is one of the only people in all of Halla who can truly understand where my head is. And since the fight, she has cared for me and shown me a side that I didn’t imagine existed. For all of her outward toughness, she is an amazingly caring person. She is beginning to remind me of her mother, Osa. I think I understand now more than ever why she is a Traveler. It’s not just for her strength, it’s for her compassion, which may be the same thing.

I’m not saying this to make you feel bad, Courtney. Or to diminish the great things you’ve done. I don’t even know if I’ll ever tell Loor how I really feel. But writing these journals has been the one thing that’s kept me sane throughout this ordeal. Writing helps me to keep my thoughts in order and to analyze what has happened. It would be wrong if I stopped writing the whole truth now, and the truth is that my feelings for Loor are growing stronger every day. I’m sorry I had to tell you in a journal this way, but I think it would be worse if I didn’t. This doesn’t change how I feel about you, Courtney. Or maybe it does. I don’t know. This is such a confusing thing. One thing I know for sure, you are one of my very best friends in the world. After reading what I just wrote, I hope you still want to be.

That being said, I had come to another conclusion. This one I had to share with Loor.

The day finally came when I was cleared to leave the hospital. The doctor gave me a final once-over and said he could do no more for me. I was still weak, but that may have been because I was lying around for so long. It was time to move on. I thanked the doctor for all he had done. The guy never spoke much, unless it was about my treatment. I had no idea what side of the Rokador debate he fell on. That’s why I was so surprised by what he said when I left that hospital room for the last time.

“I do not know who you are,” he said. “I do not believe you are a Rokador. But I believe you have the power to help us. That is why I am proud to have treated you.”

What could I say? All I did was nod and say, “Thank you.”. Waiting for me in the hallway were Loor and Saangi. Loor had the dark cloak that I had forgotten out on the farm, the one that had started this whole fiasco in the first place.

“Once you leave here,” Loor said. “You will no longer have the protection of Pelle a Zinj.”

I put the cloak on gladly, in spite of the heat. I told you how hot it is here, right? The three of us left the hospital and walked through the streets of Xhaxhu, back to Loor’s home in the Ghee pyramid. Nobody gave us a second look, I’m happy to say. When we were safely inside, I said to Saangi, “Thank you for everything.”

Saangi shrugged and said, “It is my job.” She then lightened up for a second and said, “You are very brave, Pendragon. I am glad you have recovered.”

I nodded a thanks, then said, “If it’s all right with you, I’d like to speak with Loor in private.”

Saangi shot a hurt look to Loor. Loor stared back at her, not giving her any sympathy.

“I will be outside,” Saangi said. “Call when you need me.”

“Thanks, Saangi,” I said.

The girl nodded and left.

“You do not need to thank me, Pendragon,” Loor said before I could speak.

“I wasn’t going to,” I said, sounding flip. “It’s your job too.”

She gave me a confused look. I smiled. “I’m kidding. You know I can’t thank you enough.”

“What is it you want to say to me?” she asked.

I had practiced these words for weeks. Once I had made my decision, I wanted to make sure that I told Loor in such a way that she knew I was dead serious.

“Sit down, okay?” I said.

Loor sat cross-legged on a floor mat. I paced, getting my thoughts together. This was tough.

“You’ve known me since I first became a Traveler,” I began. “From day one I’ve survived because the other Travelers were always there to bail me out. You most of all.”

“We have all played our part,” she said modestly. “You do not give yourself enough credit. You are our heart, Pendragon. Surely you know that.”

“Yeah, well, this heart just got pretty banged up,” I shot back. “Things have changed, Loor. Saint Dane wanted to kill me.”

“I believe he has tried to kill you many times.”

“Not like that.”

“Dead is dead.”

“This was different! Whenever he’s thrown something at me, at us, it always turned out to be part of his bigger plan. That’s how he’s been manipulating us. There was always some other purpose. I think that purpose may have changed. Yeah, we’ve been in danger before, but I don’t think he ever wanted us to die…until now.”

“You do not think this was also part of some plan?” Loor asked.

“Maybe at first it was,” I replied. “But I’m telling you, Loor. He really wanted to beat my brains out. He didn’t expect me to walk away from that fight. I told you before, maybe that’s a good thing. Maybe we’re starting to make him sweat. But whatever the reason, I think being a Traveler just got more dangerous. It’s not just about the territories or Halla anymore. I’m beginning to think it’s about us, too.”

Loor let that ominous thought sink in.

“I do not disagree,” she finally said.

“And that’s why I need your help more than ever.”

“You know I will always be there for you, Pendragon,” she said.

“But what about the times when you aren’t there? Or you can’t help me. You were in the Ghee compound, and I still got hammered.”

This hurt Loor. I saw her flinch.

“I’m sorry, but it’s the truth,” I said. “It wasn’t your fault. You can’t be two places at once.”

“What are we to do?”

This was it. This was the decision I had been wrestling with for weeks. It was something I had been avoiding since the beginning of my adventure, but I no longer had that option. It scared me to death, but not making this move scared me even more.

“Loor,” I said. “Teach me how to fight.”

Loor gave me a blank stare. I don’t think she expected that.

“What’s the matter?” I asked. “Don’t you think I have the guts for it?”

Loor stood up. This was making her uncomfortable. “It is not that,” she said. “I believe you are the most courageous person I have ever met.” She did?

“Then what’s the problem?” I asked. “I’m strong. I’m athletic. I may not be physically back up to speed yet, but it won’t be long before-“

“If you die, what will we do?” Loor barked. “I do not doubt that you would make a fine warrior,” she continued. “But without you, I do not believe we have any hope of defeating Saint Dane.”

This is a weird thing to say, but Loor was scared. I had never, ever seen her frightened before. The idea of going it alone against Saint Dane, without me, terrified her. I actually saw tears forming in her eyes.

“I hear you,” I said. “But I’m not asking this because I want to start running around picking fights. You know me better than that. I need you to give me the skills to defend myself. This war is going to decide the future of all territories, all time, all everything. How stupid would it be to lose that war because I didn’t know how to stand up for myself in a simple fight?” Loor stood staring at the ground.

“Give me the tools to protect myself, Loor. That’s all I’m asking.”

I said all I wanted to say. The next move was hers. Whatever decision she made, I was prepared to accept it. After a long moment she reached up and wiped a tear from her eye and looked straight at me. Her fear was gone. Her indecision was gone. The Loor I knew was back.