Arthur Zagat - The Golden Age of Science Fiction Volume IX

Save me, Senbot Drosmig, for I feel that if I have to wait for the doctor’s glasses to be delivered, I shall indeed go mad.

Distractedly yours,

Tgos Liznig

“I’ll handle this myself,” Stet said crisply. “I’ll tell the consul to advise the Terran State Department that this man should be deported as an undesirable alien. That’ll solve the problem neatly. We can’t have this contaminating the pure stream of Terrestrial literature with—”

“But aren’t you going to explain to them that he’s perfectly sane?” Tarb gasped.

“No need to bother. He’ll be grateful enough to get off the planet. Besides, how do I know he is perfectly sane?”

“Stet Zarnon, you’re perfectly horrid!”

“And you, Tarb Morfatch, are disgustingly drunk. Now you go right home and sleep it off. I know I was too harsh with you—my fault for letting you go out alone with Griblo in the first place when you’ve been here only a few months. Might have known those Terran journalists would lead you astray. Nice fellows, but irresponsible.” He flicked out his tongue. “There, I’ve apologized. Now will you go home?”

“Home!” Tarb shrieked. “Home when there’s work to be done and—”

“—and you’re not going to be the one to do it. Tarb,” he said, attempting to seize her foot, which she pulled away, “I was going to tell you tomorrow, but you might as well know tonight. I’ve taken you off the column for good. I have a better job for you.”

She looked at him. “A better job? Are you being sarcastic? What as?”

“As my wife.” He got up and came over to her. She stood still, almost stunned. “That solves the whole problem tidily. An office is no place for you, darling—you’re really a simple home-girl at heart. Newspaper work is too strenuous for you; it upsets you and makes you nervous and irritable. I want you to stay home and take care of our house and hatch our eggs—unostentatiously, of course.”

“Why, you—” she spluttered.

He put his foot over her mouth. “Don’t give me your answer now. You’re in no condition to think. Tell me tomorrow.”

It rained all night and continued on into the morning. Tarb’s head ached, but she had to make an appearance at the office. First she vizzed an acquaintance she had made the day before; then she took her umbrella and set forth.

As she kicked open the door to the newsroom, all sound ceased. Voices stopped abruptly. Typewriters halted in mid-click. Even the roar of the presses downstairs suddenly seemed to mute. Every head turned to look at Tarb.

Humph, she thought, removing her plastic oversocks, so suppose I was a little oblique yesterday. They needn’t stare at me. They never stare at Drosmig. Just because I’m a woman, I suppose! The gate crashed loudly behind her.

“Oh, Miss Morfatch,” Miss Snow called. “Mr. Zarnon said he wanted to see you as soon as you came in. It’s urgent.” And she giggled.

“Really?” Tarb said. “Well, he’ll just have to wait until I’ve wrung out my wings.” Sooner or later, she would have to face Stet, but she wanted to put it off as long as possible.

She opened the door to her office and halted in amazement. For, seated on a stool behind the desk, haggard but vertical, was Senbot Drosmig, busily reading letters and blue-penciling comments on them with his feet.

“Good morning, my dear,” he said, giving her a wan smile. “Surprised to see me functioning again, eh?”

“Well—yes.” She opened her dripping umbrella mechanically and stood it in a corner. “How—”

“I realized last night that all that happened to you was my fault. You were my responsibility and I failed you.”

“Oh, don’t be melodramatic, Senbot. I wasn’t your responsibility and you didn’t fail me. Not that I’m not glad to see you up and doing again, but—”

“But I did fail you!” the aged journalist insisted. “And, in the same way, I failed my people. I shouldn’t have given in. I should have fought Zarnon as you, my dear, tried to do. But it isn’t too late!” The fire of the crusader lit up in his watery old eyes. “I can still fight him and his sacred crows—his Earthlings! If I have to, I can go over his head to Grupe. Grupe may not understand Stet’s moral failings, but he certainly will comprehend his commercial ones. Grupe owns stock in other Fizbian enterprises besides the Times. Autofax, for example.”

“Oh, Senbot!” Tarb wailed. “The whole thing’s such an awful mess!”

“I don’t think it’ll be necessary to threaten that far,” he comforted her. “Stet is no fool. He knows which side of his breadnut is peeled.”

“I’m sure you’ll do a wonderful job,” she exclaimed, impulsively giving a ritual entrechat. “And I wish I could stay and help you, but….”

“I know, my dear.”

“You do?” She was puzzled. “But how did the news get around so quickly?”

He shrugged. “The Terrestrial grapevine is almost as efficient as the Fizbian. Didn’t you notice any change in the—ah—atmosphere when you came in?”

“Oh, was that the reason?” Tarb laughed merrily. “Somehow it never occurred to me that they could have heard so soon.”

“But the morning editions have been out for hours.”

The door to the office was flung open. Stet stormed in, bristling with a most unloverlike rage.

“Miss Morfatch—” he waved a crumpled copy of the Terrestrial Tribune at her—“when I give an order, I expect to be obeyed! Didn’t Miss Snow tell you to report directly to my office the instant you came in? Although that’s a question I don’t have to ask; I know Miss Snow, at least, is someone I can trust.”

“I was coming to see you, Stet,” Tarb said soothingly. “Right away.”

“Oh, you were, were you? And have you seen this?” Stet fairly threw the paper at her. Smack in the middle of the front page was a picture of herself in full flight over the airfield bar. Not a very good picture, but what could you expect with Terrestrial equipment? When the autofax came, perhaps she would be done justice.

FIZBIAN NEWSHEN GIVES EARTH A FLUTTER

“Though No Mammal, I Pack a Lot of Uplift,” Says Beautiful Fizbian Gal Reporter

“I feel that you Terrans and we Fizbians can get along much better,” lovely Tarb Morfatch, Fizbus Times feature writer, told her fellow-reporters yesterday at the Moonfield Restaurant, “if we learn to understand each other’s differences as well as appreciate our similarities.

“With commerce between the two planets expanding as rapidly as it has been,” Miss Morfatch went on, “it becomes increasingly important that we make sure there is no clash of mores between us. Where adaptation is impossible, we must both adjust. ‘When in Rome, do as the Romans do’ is an outmoded concept in the complex interstellar civilization of today. The Romans must learn to accept us as we are, and vice versa.

“Forgive me if I’ve offended you by my frankness,” she said, sticking out her tongue in the charming gesture of apology that is acquiring such a vogue on Earth, Belinda Romney and many other socialites having enthusiastically adopted it, “but you’ve violated our privacy so many times, I feel I’m entitled to hurt your feelings just a teeny-weeny bit….”

“Those Terran journalists,” Tarb said admiringly. “Never miss a trick, do they? Am I in all the other papers too, Stet? Same cheesecake?”

“You’ve made an ovulating circus out of us—that’s what you’ve done!”

“Nonsense. Good strong human interest stuff; it’ll make us lovable as chicks all over the planet. Gee—” she read on—“did I say all that while I was caffeinated? I ought to turn out some pretty terrific copy sober.”