Arthur Zagat - The Golden Age of Science Fiction Volume IX

Tarb shrank back and twined both feet around Stet’s. This time he did not repulse her. “But how can a—an educated, cultured man like Senbot Drosmig sink to such depths?”

“It’s hard for anyone with even the slightest inclination toward the stuff to resist it here,” Stet replied somberly. “I can’t deny it; the sale of caffeine is absolutely unrestricted on Earth. Coffee shops all over the place. Coffee served freely at even the best homes. And not only coffee… caffeine is insiduously present in other of their popular beverages.”

Her eyes bulged sideways. “But how can a so-called civilized people be so depraved?”

“Caffeine doesn’t seem to affect them the way it does us. Their nervous systems are so very uncomplicated, one almost envies them.”

Drosmig stirred restlessly under his blanket of correspondence. “Go back… Fizbus,” he muttered. “Warn you… ’fore… too late… like me.”

Tarb’s rose-pink feathers stood on end. She looked apprehensively at Stet.

“Senbot can’t go back because he’s in no shape to take the interstel drive.” The young editor was obviously annoyed. “He’s old and he’s a physical wreck. But that certainly doesn’t apply to you, Miss Morfatch.” He looked long and hard into her eyes.

“Few years on planet,” Drosmig groaned, struggling to his wings, “’ply to anybody.”

His feathers, Tarb noticed, were an ugly, darkish brown. She had never seen any one that color before, but she’d heard rumors that too much caffeine could do that to you. At least she hoped it was only the caffeine.

“For your information, he was almost as bad as this when he came!” Stet snapped. “Frankly, that’s why he was sent here—to get rid of his unfortunate addiction. Grupe had no idea, when he assigned him to Earth, that there was caffeine on the planet.”

The old man gave a sardonic laugh as he clumsily made his way to the perch and gripped it with quivering toes.

“That is, I don’t think he knew,” Stet said dubiously.

Tarb reached over and picked a letter off the floor. The Fizbian characters were clumsy and ill-made, as if someone had formed them with his feet. Could there be such poverty here that individuals existed who could not afford a scripto? The letter didn’t read like any that had ever been printed in the column—at least none that had been picked up in the Fizbus edition:

New York

Dear Senbot Drosmig:

I am a subaltern clerk in the shipping department of the FizbEarth Trading Company, Inc. Although I have held this post for only three months, I have already won the respect and esteem of my superiors through my diligence and good character. My habits are exemplary: I do not gamble, sing, or take caffeine.

Earlier today, while engaged in evening meditation at my modest apartments, I was aroused by a peremptory knock at the door. I flung it open. A native stood there with a small case in his hand.

“Is the house on fire?” I asked, wondering which of my few humble possessions I should rescue first.

“No,” he said. “I would like to interest you in some brushes.”

“Are the offices of the FizbEarth Trading Company, Inc., on fire?”

“Not to my knowledge,” he replied, opening his case. “Now I have here a very nice hairbrush—”

I wanted to give him every chance. “Have you come to tell me of any disaster relative to the FizbEarth Trading Company, to myself, or to anyone or anything else with whom or with which I am connected?”

“Why, no,” he said. “I have come to sell you brushes. Now here is a little number I know you’ll like. My company developed it with you folks specially in mind. It’s—”

“Do you know, sir, that you have wantonly interrupted me in the midst of my meditations, which constitutes an established act of privacy violation?”

“Is that a fact? Now this little item is particularly designed for brushing the wings—”

At that point, I knocked him down and punched him into insensibility with my feet. Then I summoned the police. To my surprise, they arrested me instead of him.

I am writing this letter from jail. I do not like to ask my employers to get me out because, even though I am innocent, you know how a thing like this can leave a smudge on the record.

What shall I do?

Anxiously yours,

Fruzmus Bloxx

“What should he do?” Tarb asked, handing Stet the paper. “Or is the question academic by now? The letter’s five days old.”

Stet sighed. “I’ll find out whether the consulate has been notified. Native police usually do that, you know. Very thoughtful fellows. If this Bloxx hasn’t been bailed out already, I’ll see that he is.”

“But how will we answer his letter? Advise him to sue for false arrest?”

Stet smiled. “But he has no grounds for false arrest. He is guilty of assault. The native was entirely within his rights in trying to sell him a brush. Now—” he put out a foot—“brace yourself. Privacy violation is not a crime on Terra. It is perfectly legal. In fact, it does not exist as such!”

At that point, everything went maroon.

When Tarb came to, she found herself lying upon Drosmig’s desk. A skin-faced native woman was offering her water and clucking.

“Are you all right, Tarb—Miss Morfatch?” Stet demanded anxiously.

“Yes. I—I think so,” she murmured, raising herself to a crouch.

“Better… have died,” Drosmig groaned from his perch. “Fate worse… death… awaits you.”

Tarb tried to smile. “Sorry to have been so much trouble.” She stuck out her tongue at both Stet and the native.

The woman drew in her breath.

“Miss Morfatch,” Stet reminded Tarb, “sticking out the tongue is not an apology on Terra; it is an insult. Fortunately, Miss Snow happens to be perhaps the only Terran who would not be offended. She has become thoroughly acquainted with us and our odd little customs. She even—” he beamed at the Terran female—“has learned to speak our language.”

“Hail to thee, O visitor from the stars,” Miss Snow said in Fizbian. “May thy sojourn upon Earth be an incessant delight and may peace and plenty shower their gifts in abundance upon thee.”

Tarb put her hand to her aching head. “I’m very glad to meet you,” she said, glad she did not have to get up to make the ritual entrechats.

“Miss Snow is my right foot,” Stet said, “but I’m going to be noble and let her act as your secretary until you can learn to operate a typewriter.”

“Secretary? Typewriter?”

“Well, you see, there are no scriptos or superscriptos on Earth and we can’t import any from Home because the natives—” Miss Snow smiled—“don’t have the right kind of power here to run psychic installations. All prosifying has to be done directly on prosifying machines or—” he paused—“by foot.”

“Catch her!” Miss Snow exclaimed in Terran.

Everything had gone maroon for Tarb again. As she fell, she could hear a sudden thump. It was, she later discovered, Drosmig falling off his perch again—the result of insecure grip, she was given to understand, rather than excessive empathy.

“I didn’t mean, of course, to give you the impression that we actually produce the individual copies of the papers ourselves,” Stet explained over the dinner table that night. “We have native printers who do that. They’ve turned out some really remarkable Fizbian type fonts.” “Very clever of them,” Tarb said, knowing that was what she was expected to say. She glanced around the restaurant. In their low-cut evening garments, the Terrestrial females looked much less Fizboid than they had during the day. All that naked-looking skin; one would think they’d want to cover it. Probably they were sick with jealousy of her beautiful rose-colored down—what they could see of it, anyway.