Arthur Zagat - The Golden Age of Science Fiction Volume IX

Baron Haer’s heavy face had hardened as Joe Mauser went on relentlessly. He growled, “Is this what everyone thinks?”

“Yes. Everyone intelligent enough to have an opinion.” Joe made a motion of his head to the outer offices where the recruiting was proceeding. “Those men out there are rejects from Catskill, where old Baron Zwerdling is recruiting. Either that or they’re inexperienced Low-Lowers, too stupid to realize they’re sticking their necks out. Not one man in ten is a veteran. And when things begin to pickle, you want veterans.”

Baron Malcolm Haer sat back in his chair and stared coldly at Captain Joe Mauser. He said, “At first I was moderately surprised that an old time mercenary like yourself should choose my uniform, rather than Zwerdling’s. Now I am increasingly mystified about motivation. So all over again I ask you, captain: Why are you requesting a commission in my forces which you seem convinced will meet disaster?”

Joe wet his lips carefully. “I think I know a way you can win.”

His permanent military rank the Haers had no way to alter, but they were short enough of competent officers that they gave him an acting rating and pay scale of major and command of a squadron of cavalry. Joe Mauser wasn’t interested in a cavalry command this fracas, but he said nothing. Immediately, he had to size up the situation; it wasn’t time as yet to reveal the big scheme. And, meanwhile, they could use him to whip the Rank Privates into shape.

He had left the offices of Baron Haer to go through the red tape involved in being signed up on a temporary basis in the Vacuum Tube Transport forces, and reentered the confusion of the outer offices where the Lowers were being processed and given medicals. He reentered in time to run into a Telly team which was doing a live broadcast.

Joe Mauser remembered the news reporter who headed the team. He’d run into him two or three times in fracases. As a matter of fact, although Joe held the standard Military Category prejudices against Telly, he had a basic respect for this particular newsman. On the occasions he’d seen him before, the fellow was hot in the midst of the action even when things were in the dill. He took as many chances as did the average combatant, and you can’t ask for more than that.

The other knew him, too, of course. It was part of his job to be able to spot the celebrities and near celebrities. He zeroed in on Joe now, making flicks of his hand to direct the cameras. Joe, of course, was fully aware of the value of Telly and was glad to co-operate.

“Captain! Captain Mauser, isn’t it? Joe Mauser who held out for four days in the swamps of Louisiana with a single company while his ranking officers reformed behind him.”

That was one way of putting it, but both Joe and the newscaster who had covered the debacle knew the reality of the situation. When the front had collapsed, his commanders—of Upper caste, of course—had hauled out, leaving him to fight a delaying action while they mended their fences with the enemy, coming to the best terms possible. Yes, that had been the United Oil versus Allied Petroleum fracas, and Joe had emerged with little either in glory or pelf.

The average fracas fan wasn’t on an intellectual level to appreciate anything other than victory. The good guys win, the bad guys lose—that’s obvious, isn’t it? Not one out of ten Telly followers of the fracases was interested in a well-conducted retreat or holding action. They wanted blood, lots of it, and they identified with the winning side.

Joe Mauser wasn’t particularly bitter about this aspect. It was part of his way of life. In fact, his pet peeve was the real buff. The type, man or woman, who could remember every fracas you’d ever been in, every time you’d copped one, and how long you’d been in the hospital. Fans who could remember, even better than you could, every time the situation had pickled on you and you’d had to fight your way out as best you could. They’d tell you about it, their eyes gleaming, sometimes a slightest trickle of spittle at the sides of their mouths. They usually wanted an autograph, or a souvenir such as a uniform button.

Now Joe said to the Telly reporter, “That’s right, Captain Mauser. Acting major, in this fracas, ah—”

“Freddy. Freddy Soligen. You remember me, captain—”

“Of course I do, Freddy. We’ve been in the dill, side by side, more than once, and even when I was too scared to use my side arm, you’d be scanning away with your camera.”

“Ha ha, listen to the captain, folks. I hope my boss is tuned in. But seriously, Captain Mauser, what do you think the chances of Vacuum Tube Transport are in this fracas?”

Joe looked into the camera lens, earnestly. “The best, of course, or I wouldn’t have signed up with Baron Haer, Freddy. Justice triumphs, and anybody who is familiar with the issues in this fracas, knows that Baron Haer is on the side of true right.”

Freddy said, holding any sarcasm he must have felt, “What would you say the issues were, captain?”

“The basic North American free enterprise right to compete. Hovercraft has held a near monopoly in transport to Fairbanks. Vacuum Tube Transport wishes to lower costs and bring the consumers of Fairbanks better service through running a vacuum tube to that area. What could be more in the traditions of the West-world? Continental Hovercraft stands in the way and it is they who have demanded of the Category Military Department a trial by arms. On the face of it, justice is on the side of Baron Haer.”

Freddy Soligen said into the camera, “Well, all you good people of the Telly world, that’s an able summation the captain has made, but it certainly doesn’t jibe with the words of Baron Zwerdling we heard this morning, does it? However, justice triumphs and we’ll see what the field of combat will have to offer. Thank you, thank you very much, Captain Mauser. All of us, all of us tuned in today, hope that you personally will run into no dill in this fracas.”

“Thanks, Freddy. Thanks all,” Joe said into the camera, before turning away. He wasn’t particularly keen about this part of the job, but you couldn’t underrate the importance of pleasing the buffs. In the long run it was your career, your chances for promotion both in military rank and ultimately in caste. It was the way the fans took you up, boosted you, idolized you, worshipped you if you really made it. He, Joe Mauser, was only a minor celebrity, he appreciated every chance he had to be interviewed by such a popular reporter as Freddy Soligen.

Even as he turned, he spotted the four men with whom he’d had his spat earlier. The little fellow was still to the fore. Evidently, the others had decided the one place extra that he represented wasn’t worth the trouble he’d put in their way defending it.

On an impulse he stepped up to the small man who began a grin of recognition, a grin that transformed his feisty face. A revelation of an inner warmth beyond average in a world which had lost much of its human warmth.

Joe said, “Like a job, soldier?”

“Name’s Max. Max Mainz. Sure I want a job. That’s why I’m in this everlasting line.”

Joe said, “First fracas for you, isn’t it?”

“Yeah, but I had basic training in school.”

“What do you weigh, Max?”

Max’s face soured. “About one twenty.”

“Did you check out on semaphore in school?”

“Well, sure. I’m Category Food, Sub-division Cooking, Branch Chef, but, like I say, I took basic military training, like most everybody else.”

“I’m Captain Joe Mauser. How’d you like to be my batman?”

Max screwed up his already not overly handsome face. “Gee, I don’t know. I kinda joined up to see some action. Get into the dill. You know what I mean.”