Steven Harper - Nightmare

"I’m all right," he said, still leaning. "I just …felt a little light-headed for minute."

"I can understand that," Toshi said. "I’ve got a few dozen gray hairs myself, and I wasn’t even up there." He paused. "I suppose I’ll have to talk to Mother Ara about rearranging your schedule. You won’t want to be flying again after-"

Kendi stiffened and came upright. "The hell I don’t!" he spluttered, and Pitr laughed.

"My god, Kendi, are you all right?" Mother Ara demanded.

"Yeah. Can I get a freemark or something every time someone asks that? I’ll be able to buy my own ship in an hour or so."

"Kendi," Mother Ara said, "you scared the life out of me. My god, this isn’t a good time to be flip. How do you feel?"

Kendi shrugged and winced. "Shoulder’s a little stiff, but it doesn’t hurt much, and they gave me some painkillers."

"I’ve already called the animal control board and let them have it," Mother Ara said. "The pheromone sprays are supposed to keep the dangerous dinosaurs away. I’m so sorry this happened. You must have been terrified."

"It wasn’t your fault."

"I arranged the lesson," Mother Ara countered. "Pitr says you still want to fly, though."

"Hell, yes. It was great, Mother Ara." His eyes shone, the pain forgotten. "The best! I wish I could go every day instead of just once a week."

Mother Ara puffed out her cheeks. "I don’t think my heart is up to that. Once a week is plenty."

They were on one of the monastery’s innumerable balconies. Clouds had moved in, covering the sky in an even wave of gray. The balcony was off the beaten path, which meant they had a fair amount of privacy. There was a small bench, and a green ivy vine had twined itself around the balcony rail.

"Mother Ara," Kendi said abruptly, "if you like someone and you don’t know if they like you back, what do you do?"

Mother Ara blinked. "What? Why? Who do you like?"

"I meant it just …you know …hypothetically and all."

"Oh. Hypothetically." Mother Ara drummed her hands thoughtfully on her knees. "Well, hypothetically I think you-the hypothetical you-need to tell the person and see what happens. After all, if you don’t say anything, the other person might never figure it out."

"But what if it’s the sort of person who might not like me-you?" Kendi asked. "What if there could be …other factors."

"I’m not sure what you mean."

Kendi swallowed, suddenly wishing he hadn’t said anything at all. "I mean what if the other person might not be interested?"

"I still think you should speak up. Hypothetically, that is." She smoothed her brown robe and readjusted the gold amulet that hung on a chain around her neck. "The Awakening Festival is next week. It’s a traditional time to start a romance. Maybe you’ll see the person there and that would be a good time to bring it up."

"Not me," Kendi said. "Just a hypothetical me."

Mother Ara got up with a smile and reached for her handbag. "Of course. Exactly what I meant. And now we have a lesson in meditation to begin."

"Meditation?"

"If you want to enter the Dream, you have to learn to meditate," Mother Ara said. "It quiets the soul and allows the mind to float free. Very, very few Silent can get into the Dream without meditating first, and it requires a lot of practice. There are practice rooms in a section of the dormitory. Ready for your first lesson? I promise it won’t be anywhere near as difficult as your flying exercise. It’d be a good stress-reliever, too."

"All right."

They went back to the dorm together, and Mother Ara showed Kendi to a hallway with a series of tiny, soundproofed rooms. Each room had a fainting couch, a chair, and only a teensy amount of floor space. From her handbag, Mother Ara took a bracelet and her data pad.

"You can meditate any way you like," she said, "but most Silent like to lie down. Why don’t you try the couch?"

Kendi obeyed. His shoulder twinged a bit as he lay down and he wondered if he should take another painkiller first. Nah. Best try it first without and see how it went.

Mother Ara fastened the bracelet around his wrist-it felt nothing like the shackle he had worn for three years-and activated her data pad. "The bracelet will monitor your life signs," she explained. "It also watches your brain patterns. It’ll help me see what level of relaxation you get to and let me know if something is going wrong. There isn’t much chance of that," she hastened to add, "because you’re not trying to reach the Dream just yet and I’m not giving you any drugs. That’ll come later."

"So what do I do?" Kendi asked.

"Just close your eyes and listen to my voice," she said. "Would background music or white noise help you relax? The computer can give us whatever you need."

"Drums," Kendi said. "I think I want drums."

"Baran," Mother Ara said, "play audio file ‘Drums for Relaxation.’ "

Immediately a soft 4/4 rhythm filled the room and Kendi shut his eyes. He was no stranger to meditation. The Real People Reconstructionists had been great proponents of it. As a child, Kendi had invariably found it boring and stupid, but now his views had changed. If this was the path into the Dream, the place where he might find his family, then this was the path he would follow.

He stirred a little on the couch. Lying down felt wrong for him, somehow. He couldn’t get comfortable. He shifted again, trying to settle down. His shoulder twinged again.

Mother Ara, her voice soft, took him through a relaxation exercise, and he was surprised to note that it was similar to the ones the Real People had practiced. It involved relaxing each group of muscles one at a time. Mother Ara’s voice droned on, telling him to empty his mind, let it go blank.

Kendi tried, but outside thoughts kept crowding in. The flying dinosaur’s long beak flashing down and causing white-hot pain. Pitr’s hazel eyes filled with concern. The sound of frogs peeping in the night. Rebecca being towed away, her shackles glowing blue as she reached for Kendi one last time. Lying down, he felt strangely trapped. At last he sat up and yanked the bracelet off. The recorded drums continued to play.

"Sorry," he said. "I guess I can’t concentrate."

Mother Ara looked surprised. "Actually you were doing pretty well."

"Are we done?" he asked, suddenly belligerent. "I’m tired. I want to go back to my room."

"Of course," Mother Ara said. "It’s been a difficult day. I probably should have skipped this lesson. Why don’t you go get some rest?"

Kendi nodded once to her and left without saying anything else.

A few days later, the morning found Kendi lying flat on his stomach on the dew-slicked roof of a certain section of the dormitory. He peered carefully over the gutter. His heart beat funny, like it was jumping around inside his chest. Coming down the balcony below him was a pair of students, one male, one female, both dressed in brown and wearing gold medallions. The boy, of course, was Pitr Haddis. But who was the girl walking with him? Tension knotted Kendi’s stomach. The girl had a thin build and wore her hair in a brown ponytail. She said something to Pitr, who laughed, and the sound sent a thrill down Kendi’s back even as jealousy began to bubble in his head.

Pitr. Pitr Haddis. Kendi spent entire evenings thinking of him, of his strong arms and handsome face, and when he lay awake on his bed that night staring into the darkness, he saw Pitr’s eyes. He also spent considerable time thinking about what it all meant. To his astonishment, he wasn’t upset or even surprised. Kendi supposed he had always known he was attracted to men. He just hadn’t thought about it, not even after the final incident with Pup. Or perhaps because of the final incident with Pup. Now, however, he found himself thinking about it quite a lot.