John Scalzi - We Only Need the Heads

“I beg your pardon?” Abumwe said.

“Please tell me what you know about the Colonial Defense Forces presence on Wantji,” Ting said.

Schmidt glanced over at his boss and wondered if the tension that he could see in her neck and in her posture would be at all noticeable to an alien not entirely familiar with human physiological cues. “I’m not a member of the Colonial Defense Forces, so I’m not sure that I would be qualified to answer a question about its presence on any world,” Abumwe said. “But I know people in the CDF who would be better able to answer your question.”

“Ambassador, that was a delightfully artful evasion,” Ting said. “I couldn’t have done it better, were I in your position. But I am afraid I really must insist that you give me a direct answer this time. Please tell me what you know about the Colonial Defense Forces presence on Wantji.”

“I can’t tell you anything about it,” Abumwe said, opening her hands in a I would help you if I could gesture.

“‘Can’t’ is a strategically ambiguous word to use here,” Ting said. “Can’t because you don’t know? Or can’t because you’ve been ordered not to say? Perhaps the fault here is mine, Ambassador. I have been too imprecise in what I’ve been asking. Let me try again. This is a question that you may answer with a ‘yes’ or a ‘no.’ Indeed, I must insist that it is answered with a ‘yes’ or a ‘no.’ Ambassador Abumwe, are you personally aware that there was a Colonial Defense Forces presence on Wantji?”

“Sub-Ambassador Ting-,” Abumwe began.

“Ambassador Abumwe,” Ting said, pleasantly but forcefully, “if I do not receive a ‘yes’ or ‘no’ answer to my question, I am afraid I will have to suspend our negotiations. If I suspend my negotiations, then my superiors will suspend theirs. The entire process will fail because you have not been able to offer a simple response to a direct question. I believe I am being perfectly clear about this. So, a final time: Are you personally aware that there was a Colonial Defense Forces presence on Wantji?”

“No,” Abumwe said. “I am not aware of that.”

Ting smiled a Bula smile and opened her hands in a very humanlike gesture, as if saying, There, see? “That’s all I needed, Ambassador,” she said. “A simple answer to a direct question. Thank you. I do apologize for adding this conflict to our negotiations, and especially sorry to do it to you. As I said, I believe we’ve had excellent rapport up to now.”

Schmidt saw the tension drain out of Abumwe’s neck and shoulders. “Thank you for your apology, but it’s not necessary. I would just like to finish up our work.”

“Oh, we have,” Ting said, and stood. Abumwe and Schmidt hastily stood with her. “We finished the moment you lied to me.”

“When I lied to you,” Abumwe said.

“Yes, just now,” Ting said. “Bear in mind, Ambassador Abumwe, I am almost entirely certain that you were ordered to lie to me by your superiors. I have negotiated with enough humans to know what someone being ordered to lie looks like. Nevertheless, you did just lie to me, and that was the test, to see whether you would or not. You did.”

“Sub-Ambassador Ting, I assure you that whatever you believe I know, my actions should not have an effect on the larger negotiations-,” Abumwe said.

Ting held up her hand. “I promise you, Ambassador Abumwe, that your people and mine are not done negotiating,” she said. “What we are negotiating, however, has changed substantially.” She motioned toward the case. “And now, at last, we come to this.”

“What is in the case?” Abumwe asked.

“A gift,” Ting said. “Of sorts. It’s more accurate to say we’re returning something that used to belong to the Colonial Defense Forces. It’s actually two objects, one inside the other. We considered removing the second from the first, but then we realized that you-humans, not you personally-could argue the first didn’t come from the second. So we felt it best to leave it in place.”

“You’re being vague,” Abumwe said.

“Yes,” Ting said. “Perhaps I don’t want to ruin the surprise. You may open it if you like.”

“I think it might be better if I didn’t,” Abumwe said.

“Your choice,” Ting said. “However, I would appreciate it if you convey to your superiors a message I have from my superiors.”

“What is it?” Abumwe asked.

“Tell them that after they’ve opened that case, when we reconvene, the subject of negotiations will be remuneration for the Colonial Union’s illegal Colonial Defense Forces presence in our territory,” Ting said. “Not only for the illegal settlement on Wantji, but also the warship we’ve currently in our custody. The Tubingen, I believe it is called.”

“You’ve attacked the Tubingen ?” Schmidt said, and immediately regretted the lapse.

“No,” Ting said, turning to Schmidt, amused. “But we’re not letting it go anywhere, either. Its crew will be returned to you eventually. Our new round of negotiations, I believe, will set the price for the return of the ship itself.” She turned back to Abumwe. “You may tell your superiors that as well, Ambassador Abumwe.”

Abumwe nodded.

Ting smiled and gathered up her PDA. “And so farewell, Ambassador Abumwe, Mr. Schmidt. Perhaps your next set of negotiations will fare better for you.” She left the room, followed by her assistant. The case was left on the table.

Abumwe and Schmidt looked at it. Neither made a move to open it.