Terry Pratchett - The Science of Discworld III - Darwin's Watch

A large and energetic young man bounded out of the weeds and went to clear a black pool with a vaulting pole. The pole immediately sank one-third of its length into the sucking ground and its athletic owner sailed off into the mud. He came up holding a small water plant. Oblivious of the noisome bubbling around him, he waved the plant triumphantly at some distant companions, pulled his pole out of the peat with some effort, and splashed away.

`Did he see us?' said Rincewind.

`No, not yet. That's young Darwin,' said Ponder. `Very keen on collecting all sorts of wildlife. Collecting was enormous popular among the English of this century. Bones, shells, butterflies, birds, other people's countries ... all sorts of things.'

`Man after my own heart!' said Ridcully, cheerfully. `I had the best pressed lizard collection ever when I was that age!'

`Can't see a beagle anywhere, though,' said Rincewind, gloomily. He got edgy in the absence of his hat, and tried to stand under things.

The Chair of Indefinite Studies looked up from the thaumometer in his hand.

`No magic disturbance, no nothing,' he said, looking around at the marshes. `Is Hex sure? The only strange thing here is us.'

`Let's get started, shall we?' said Ridcully. `Where to next?' `Hex, move us to London, will you?' said Ponder. `Location 7.' The wizards didn't apparently move, but the landscape around them wavered and changed.

It became an alleyway. There were a lot of street noises nearby. `I'm sure you all read the briefing I prepared this morning.' said Ponder, brightly.

`Are you also sure were not back in Ankh-Morpork?' said Ridcully loudly. `I'd swear I can smell the river!'

`Ah, then perhaps I'd better just remind you of the important points,' said Ponder wearily. `The list of major things that might impede Darwin's progress-'

`I remember about the giant squid,' Rincewind volunteered.

`Hex can handle the giant squid,' said Ponder.

`Oh, shame. I was looking forward to that,' said Ridcully.

`No, sir,' said Ponder, as patiently as possible. `We have to deal with people. Remember? We agreed last time it's not ethical to leave that to Hex. Remember the rain of fat women [22] A rare meteorological phenomenon discussed briefly in The Science of Discworld II ?

`That never actually happened,' said the Lecturer in Recent Runes, wistfully.

`Quite so,' said Ridcully, firmly. `And just as well. Lead on, Mr Stibbons.'

`So much to do, so much to do,' muttered Ponder, leafing through the paperwork. `I suppose we'd better do things in order ... so first, we must see that Mr Habbakuk Souser's cook throws away the fish.'

It was a scullery boy who opened the back door, in a street of quite prosperous-looking houses. Ponder Stibbons raised his very tall hat.

`We wish to see - ' he consulted the clipboard ` - Mrs Boddy,' he said. `She is the cook here, I believe? Tell her we are the Committee for Public Sanitation, and the matter is urgent, so look sharp about it!'

`I hope you know what you're doing, Stibbons,' hissed Ridcully as the boy scurried away.

`Totally, Archchancellor. Hex says the line of causality is - ah, Mrs Boddy?'

This was to a skinny, worried woman who was advancing on them from the dim interior, wiping her hands on her apron.

'I am, sir,' said the cook. `The boy said you gentlemen was Hygienic?'

`Mrs Boddy, you had some fish delivered this morning?' said Ponder, sternly.

`Yes sir. Nice piece o' hake.' Sudden uncertainty seized her features. `Er ... that was all right, wasn't it?

'Alas it was not, Mrs Boddy!' said Ponder. `We have just come from the fishmonger. All his hake is completely off. We have had many complaints. Some of them were from next of kin, Mrs Boddy!'

`Oh, what shall we do to be saved!' the cook burst out. `I've got it cookin'! It smelled all right, sir!'

`Thankfully, then, there is no harm done,' said Ponder. `Shall I give it to the cat?

'Do you like the cat?' said Ponder. `No, wrap it in some paper and bring it out to us right now! I'm sure Mr Souser will understand when you give him some of the cold ham from yesterday.'

`Yessir!' The cook scurried away, and returned shortly with a parcel of very hot, very damp fish. Ponder grabbed it from her and thrust it into Rincewind's arms.

`Scour the pan thoroughly, Mrs Boddy!' said Ponder, as Rincewind tried to juggle hake. `Gentlemen, we must hurry!'

He started to walk very fast towards the end of the street, the wizards jogging along behind him, and turned sharply into an alleyway just ahead of a shout of `Sir? Sir? How did you know about the cold ham?'

`Location 9, Hex,' said Ponder. `And remove the fish, please!'

`Was all that about?' said Ridcully. `Why did we take that poor woman's fish?'

Rincewind said `ow!' as the fish disappeared.

`Mr Souser will travel, er, tomorrow to meet some businessmen,' said Ponder, as a circle formed on the ground around the wizards. `One of them will be a man called Josiah Wedgwood, a famous industrialist. Mr Souser will tell him about his son James, who is currently working with the Navy. It has made a man of him, Mr Souser will say. Mr Wedgwood will listen with interest, and form the opinion that the adventure of a long sea voyage in respectable company may well be of benefit to a young man on the verge of adult life. At least, he will now. If Mr Souser had eaten that fish, he would have been too ill to travel tomorrow.'

`Well, that's good news for Mr Souser, but what's it got to do with us?' said the Dean.

'Mr Wedgwood is Charles Darwin's uncle,' said Ponder, as the air wavered. `He will have an influence on his nephew's career. And now for our next call ...'

`Good morning! Mrs Nightingale?'

`Yes?' said the woman, as if she was now doubting it. She took in the group of people in front of her, her eye resting on the very bearded one whose knuckles touched the ground. Beside her, the housemaid who'd opened the door looked on nervously.

`My name is Mr Stibbons, Mrs Nightingale. I am the secretary of The Mission to Deep Sea Voyagers, a charitable organisation. I believe Mr Nightingale is shortly to embark on a perilous mission to the storm-tossed, current-mazed, ship-eating giant-squid infested waters of the South Americas?'

The woman's gaze tore itself away from the Librarian and her eyes narrowed.

`He never said anything to me about giant squid,' she said.

`Indeed? I'm very sorry to hear that, Mrs Nightingale. Brother Bookmeister here,' Ponder patted the Librarian on the shoulder, `would tell you about them himself were it not that the dire experience quite robbed him of the power of speech.'

'Ook!' said Brother Bookmeister plaintively.

`Really?' said the woman, setting her jaw firmly. `Would you gentlemen care to step into the parlour?'

`Well, the biscuits were nice,' said the Dean, as the wizards strolled out into the street half an hour later. `And now, Stibbons, would you care to tell us what all that was about?'

`Gladly, Dean, and may I say your story about the sea snake was very useful?' said Ponder. `But Rincewind, that tale about the killer flying fish was rather over the top, I thought.'

`I didn't make it up!' Rincewind said. `They had teeth on them like-'

`Well, anyway ... Darwin was the second choice for the post on the Beagle,' said Ponder. 'Mr Nightingale was the captain's initial choice. History will record that after his wife's pleading he declined the offer. This he will do within about five minutes of when he gets home tonight.'

`Another fine ruse?' said Ridcully.

`I'm rather pleased with it, as a matter of fact,' said Ponder.

'Hmm,' said Ridcully. Cunning in younger wizards is not automatically applauded in their elders. `Very clever, Stibbons. You are a wizard to watch.'