Julia Karr - Truth

“No?”

“I can’t.” I bit my lip. He rolled over onto his side. I turned to him, slinging one leg over his. “Sal, I don’t want to stop kissing you, touching you, being touched by you. But I’m not ready for sex. Not yet.”

His breathing was fast and hard. He didn’t speak until it slowed. “I’m not a sexer. And I would never force myself on you, ever. I love you, Nina.”

“I love you, too.” I hid my face in the crook of his neck, the smell of soap and aftershave filling my senses.

“Hey!” Someone shouted up the stairs. “You home?”

“Skivs! John!” Sal jumped off the bed.

“My clothes!” I was groping around when Sal tossed them to me.

He yanked on his shirt. “Yeah, I’m up here,” he shouted back down.

Where I had been hot with passion, I was now burning with shame. What if John hadn’t called up? What if he and his wife had come upstairs and found us? How something that felt so right one minute could feel so wrong the next was beyond my comprehension. There was so much I didn’t know about love and sex and how it all fit together. My heart ached for my mom. If only we’d talked about things like this… I reached up to smooth my hair and just felt tangles. “You got a brush?” I asked, scrambling into my clothes.

“In the bathroom,” he said. “At the end of the hall. I’ll wait for you.” He skimmed his lips over mine. “Although I think you look beautiful right now.”

I blushed and headed down the hall. He thought I looked beautiful, all messed up with my clothes askew. He didn’t seem to feel any of the guilt or shame that I was feeling—and I wanted that same carefree attitude. But it was so hard. It was almost easier when I had myself convinced that the answer to the Media telling sixteens to be obsessed with sex was to turn around and reject boys, sex, and love entirely. I had thought that sex was evil, something that turned boys into monsters like Ed. But Sal had changed that, and there was no way he could know how much that meant to me. The fact that his feelings toward me were the same now as they were when we’d walked into his room. That he didn’t think less of me. I wanted to feel that way, too. I just didn’t know how.

“You awake?” Wei poked her head in the door.

“Uh-huh.” I’d fallen asleep on the sofa the night before.

Wei sat next to me, tucking her legs up under her. “What time did you get in?”

“I dunno. Maybe eleven-thirty. Sal and I went to his house.” Warmth crept up my neck.

“Really?” Wei gave a mischievous smile. “Was anyone home?”

“No.” The warmth spread to my cheeks.

“Lucky you.” She flopped back on the pillows. “Derek’s mom is always around. We never get to be alone for long.”

“John and his wife came home not long after we got there.” I half smiled.

“So are you thinking about having sex with Sal?” Even though the question was frank, Wei plucked at the tassels on the edge of the throw. “It must be tough, with what happened in your past with your mom and your friend Sandy.”

“Yeah,” I admitted. “I think about Sal and me, a lot. But there are so many other things in my brain when thoughts of sex come up. Not just about Ed’s stupid porn vids.” I shuddered at the memory of his disgusting collection. “But how he raped and killed Sandy. And had the same fate in store for me. I wish there was some kind of memory wipe so I could forget all that stuff and start over.”

Wei touched my arm. “It’s hard enough trying to figure out how you really feel about sex with all the crap Media throws at everyone about sex-teens… I can only imagine how much harder it is with all you’ve been through. Honestly, I’m kind of surprised you’re even thinking about having sex.”

“Me, too. It’s just that… when Sal kisses me, touches me, my body sort of takes on a life of its own. I forget everything except how close I want to be to him. Do you know what I mean?”

“Uh-huh.” She glanced at me. “I know exactly what you mean. But I don’t want Derek to think of me as a sex-teen.”

“You?” I laughed out loud. “Of all the girls I know, you are the last one anybody would think was a sex-teen. Besides, you know Derek would never think of you that way. He’s not that kind of guy.”

“I know. When we’re together, it’s like we’re in our own little bubble, and none of the rest of the world even exists. I’m pretty sure that’s the way relationships are supposed to be. Rather than the way the Media says that it’s what you’re supposed to do and that every girl should want to be ready for any guy who’s, you know, up for it.” She laughed. “Sorry, I couldn’t help myself.”

“Punny, Wei. Very punny.” A wry grin crossed my lips.

“Come upstairs for breakfast,” she said.

“I have to call the hospital first and see how Gran is, and if she can have visitors today.”

“Well, come up afterward. I think Chris is making sledding plans. It snowed a bunch last night.”

After Wei left, I went to the window. The snow was beautiful, covering everything in a blanket of white. I thought about the snow and about Chris’s friend Martinique. Both so beautiful—on the surface.

The aroma of freshly brewed coffee greeted me as I walked into the Jenkinses’ kitchen. Wei’s dad was at the table, sipping a cup, reading the news.

“Good morning, Nina. Did you hear the Alert last night?” Mr. Jenkins asked.

“Yeah, but where did all that stuff about Ed and the fake space station come from? It wasn’t in the packet Mom had hidden.”

“No, it wasn’t. Lessig obviously has his own agenda about this story. I was reassigned shortly after turning in notes for the investigative team to follow up on.”

Wei’s dad was a Media special investigator. He worked directly under Kasimir Lessig, the man who many people thought controlled the Governing Council because of his position as head of Media. Lessig’s version of the truth was what filled the news—that’s what my mother had always said. No one questioned it—well, the Resistance did.

“He doesn’t have the actual chips, does he?” I started feeling nervous. The real chips held the truth, and if Lessig had them, well, then maybe the only version that we’d ever hear about would be his.

“Only copies. The originals and the corroborating evidence are in a secure location. If necessary, they’ll be used as a last resort.”

“But they have all the information already. They can dig deeper and find the whole truth.” My hand went to my charms necklace, fingering the T charm Pops had given me.

Mr. Jenkins sighed and looked straight at me. “Nina, there is the distinct possibility that Kasimir Lessig has been a recipient of more than one of these FeLS girls. They have been used to seal agreements, curry favor, and buy silence. I expect Lessig will spin his own version of the truth, whatever that is.”

A slow burning sensation filled me. It wasn’t fair. The truth was the truth; it needed to be heard. People needed to know that they were allowing the GC to take their daughters to be used and abused sexually. That this was not a way up and out of the lowest tiers. The image of Joan’s tormented face flashed through my mind. For girls like her, the dream of something better was a nightmare.

“There will be more to the story, right? They won’t let it die. They can’t, right, Dad?” Wei asked.

Mr. Jenkins nodded. “The hardest part was getting it to broadcast. We fought that battle, and now that it’s been on, they have to follow up. Remember, for Media, image is everything. But you should be prepared that it won’t necessarily be the outcome that we’d hoped it would be.” Mr. Jenkins shut down his news projection and excused himself.