Steven Campbell - Hard Luck Hank - Basketful of Crap

Seriously. I had passed one apartment complex and couldn’t figure out why the roof had two depressions in it until I realized those were left from butt cheeks.

“So tell me how I can use it.” I said.

Delovoa, still in his protective gear, beamed instructions to my tele.

“This is twenty-five pages long! I can’t just point and shoot it?”

“Does it look like a gun? It’s not even lab-safe. This was the very first prototype to confirm the theory.”

I skimmed through the instructions.

“Don’t skim them, either,” Delovoa said. “If you want to use it, and don’t want to lose your arm, you have to do everything there in the order listed.”

I had been hoping I could go in, take a shot at Naked Guy, leave, and do the same to the Gandrine. But this was like a whole process. I suspected he would notice me trying to disintegrate him over four hours.

“So you’re sure this will work?” I asked.

“No, I’m not sure. I didn’t test it and I didn’t invent it.”

“Why didn’t you test it?”

“Because it’s an a-drive core, twisted so that it actually destroys matter. I want to be in a different solar system when that goes off.”

“Can you get me all this stuff?” I asked, indicating the parts list for the experiment.

“Yeah. But what are you going to use it on?”

“I have an idea.”

I was carrying my autocannon, newly-refurbished, the General’s plasma pistol, and a backpack full of equipment which included the disintegrator.

I was extremely well-armed.

I was also wearing a diaper on my head.

There was no telling if the diaper would get me past the corporate security forces. I had my autocannon ready in case it didn’t.

Approaching the first checkpoint, I spotted an APC along with a pillbox full of soldiers.

It was like I was invisible to them.

I made it to the warehouse where I had last seen Naked Guy. He was not there. It had been a simplistic hope that he would be. I began wandering around the corporation territory. But it was highly improbable I would find him randomly.

After a full day, I gave up and went to visit Garm in the hospital, who was still recovering from sparring with the pale sisters. It was nice for a change to be on this end of things.

“Did you find your naked man?” she asked.

She looked a lot worse now than when we were at the freighter. The bruises had started to bruise. I mean, she looked really bad. She had like three fractures, numerous sprains, and some internal injuries. Those sisters had worked her over good. I felt sorry for her.

“No, I have no idea where he is.”

“He’s probably hiding.”

“I don’t think he’s hiding. I don’t think he cares in the slightest.”

“You have to find him. Delovoa said we’ve had ten more Therezians come through in the last day alone.”

“I’ll do it, you get better. Is there anything you want?”

I tried to pat her shoulder.

“Ow,” she complained. “No. Where is the a-drive by the way?”

“My backpack,” I said, motioning to it.

“You brought a device leaking radiation and antiprotons into a hospital?”

I had wrapped it in tin foil, a sock, and put it in a plastic box that had once contained a nice bottle of wine, but I guess I should have dropped it off at my apartment first. The container the sisters had it in had fallen apart, apparently destroyed by the a-drive.

“I’ll come back tomorrow,” I said quickly. “If I’m not dead.”

I headed to the east part of the city.

I moved past tanks and soldiers into the section that housed the giant telescopes the Navy had once used. My hope was that if he was really doing something galactic, he would need to use the telescopes to put his plan together. He had forced all the Intelligence folks out for a reason, and it wasn’t because they were military, they were just technicians who operated the machinery.

One by one I searched the buildings.

There were scores of structures associated with the telescopes. Since everyone was gone, the buildings were dark.

But I came to one that had lights on. I wasn’t sure if it was simply because they had been forced to leave so quickly or maybe looters had been there.

As I walked through the halls, I could hear the light tapping of fingers on controls.

“Hi,” I said to the Naked Guy.

He didn’t answer, and seemed engrossed in his work.

“Whatcha’ doing?” I asked conversationally, still carrying my autocannon and other assorted weaponry.

“I believe we have already concluded that there is nothing more to be said between us.”

Half a dozen soldiers made their presence known. I noticed they were armed with…large weapons. I didn’t know the types because they were military in nature.

“I can kill you,” I said.

Naked Guy looked up, casually.

I put down my autocannon and took off my backpack.

“I’ve got a disintegrator from the Navy. Stolen from the Navy. It’s based on a-drive technology. It can kill you.”

“Do you think that frightens me?” he asked.

“No. I’m asking if you want me to try.”

There was a long pause and I was waiting for rockets and shells to hit me. Finally Naked Guy stood up.

“You may try,” he said.

I opened the backpack and poured out the considerable contents.

“Right. You need to put this metallic cream all over your body.”

I handed him two large tubes of paste.

I began setting up the tripod and looking at the instructions.

“Actually, there’s too much electrical interference in this room. Is there like a conference room or something? I need fifteen feet.”

I followed Naked Guy wordlessly down the hall, clutching my supplies.

The soldiers trailed us.

In the conference room I took the chairs out and put the tables against the wall as Naked Guy put conducting cream on himself.

“Bottoms of your feet and scalp too,” I said. “I’m not sure about your beard and hair, but better to be safe.”

I went back to setting things up. It was horrendously complicated.

I had to wake up Delovoa and get assistance from him via tele.

“It should go in his mouth,” he said.

I had a metal ball with lots of wires attached.

Naked Guy took it and put it in his mouth without a word. He held two other cables in his hands and I connected four more to his body with clamps.

I had to do all kinds of calculations based on the angle of the device, the humidity, temperature, distance to target.

“It’s not working,” I said nervously to Delovoa, as Naked Guy stood there with his black eyes, waiting to be disintegrated.

“Is there a lapse code?”

“Where do I find that?”

“On the console.”

I squinted at the tiny screen.

“438296724.”

“Give me a minute to calculate what that means.”

“Do you have instructions you didn’t give me?” I asked.

“You wanted it simple.”

I covered up my tele a moment and spoke pleasantly to Naked Guy.

“You’re being really patient. Hopefully we’ll have this done in a bit. New technology. You know how it is. Heh.”

I whispered to Delovoa.

“This is a tense situation. Hurry up.”

“Why don’t you try repowering the device?”

“How do I even know if it’s powered on?”

“Is it warm or hot?”

“I can’t tell. You know how my skin is.”

“Put your tele near it.”

I put my tele near the device and the screen suddenly warped and cut off.

“Ahh!”

I backed away and tried to restore my tele.

“Hello? Delovoa?”

I went back to the device, smiled at Naked Guy, tried desperately to remember any of the instructions which were recorded on my nonfunctioning tele.