Steven Campbell - Hard Luck Hank - Basketful of Crap

I still didn’t feel the best, but I couldn’t afford to be in the hospital any longer. Especially if they were going to make me a drug addict.

Garm walked forward gingerly. She finally looked at me.

“A toilet?”

“I have a better one inside. Your trash people suck,” I spat.

I unlocked my apartment and went in.

“Oh.”

Garm came in behind me and also stopped.

“Garm, these are my employers. But I take it you all know each other.”

The pale sisters stood facing us. Garm flashed some hand gestures to them, they flashed some back.

Then Garm took out her pistol, dove to the side, and fired at them!

“Huh?” I pronounced.

The pale sisters twirled away, each bouncing off a different wall and drawing their weapons.

What happened next I wasn’t exactly sure, because I couldn’t quite see it.

There was a huge blur of movement as Garm displayed herself to be as fast as the pale women.

It took me about a minute of watching, but I finally got the sense they weren’t happy to see each other. And in fact were trying to kill one another. Unless:

“Is this some kind of Quadrad greeting?”

No one acknowledged me. In fact my only presence in the fight was as an obstacle to be flipped over, spun around, and otherwise bypassed.

I saw flashing blades and gunshots, but they seemed no closer to hitting one another than I was to winning Little Miss Belvaille beauty pageant.

“I just got out of the hospital, guys. I really don’t need this,” I grumbled.

If I felt Garm was in danger, I would have been a lot more concerned. But I was partially drugged, very tired, and this merely felt like a gymnastic opera. And opera was boring.

I walked through my living room, women springboarding off my back, and using my torso to hide behind.

I looked down the hall to my bathroom. My shiny new bathroom. I just had that toilet fixed!

See, this was why I needed a shotgun. What was I going to say, “Everyone stop fighting or I’ll kill everyone in the room with my autocannon?”

I walked back to the door. Picked up my autocannon and secured it to my vest.

“Everyone stop fighting or I’ll kill everyone in the room!”

Ignored.

They were even diving off the barrel of the cannon like it was a cool new prop to use in their dance routines.

The door was still open. I could leave or wait until they tired themselves out.

But I didn’t want Garm to get hurt—or my weekly paycheck from the sisters to get cut off.

I walked back into the living room. I pushed my couch away so I could have a long clear access to the door.

Garm had run out of bullets at this point and had somehow grabbed some weapons from my kitchen. I couldn’t see what she was using but I heard a lot of metal-on-metal clanging.

“Alright!” I said to the room. “I’m going to fire this autocannon out the door on the count of five. Do not be in front of the gun when it goes off or you will be dead.”

I hoped the tank explosion hadn’t damaged my autocannon. It very well could have.

I took a moment to look it over as women cartwheeled around me. I was going to fire out the door and presumably hit the building across the street. I didn’t want to use a canister or HE because that might hit the Gandrine, and that was all I needed. So another armor piercing shell.

“Okay, counting. Five!”

I hunched down and braced myself for the recoil. Man, I really didn’t feel like dealing with this gun right now. My ears were still aching. I aimed at the upper portion of my open doorway to ensure when the projectile went out, there was no way it would hit the Gandrine.

“Four! Three!”

I notice the fight had shifted to behind me.

“Two! One!”

Kachooom!

“Damn,” I said, slowly picking myself up. My couch was on fire.

The Fighting Quadrad Trio had wisely moved away, but they obviously hadn’t been around an autocannon firing in a small metal apartment. They were on the ground knocked silly. Garm was shaking her head and on all fours. The pale sisters were only starting to stir.

I unhooked my autocannon and dropped it. I was going to deal with the women, but then I realized my couch was really, really starting to burn.

The automatic fire control didn’t activate. I remembered I disabled that like fifty years ago, though I couldn’t recall why.

I went to my couch and scooted it to the door and pushed it outside. It hadn’t wanted to go, but I forced it, breaking off a few burning pieces which I also kicked out.

I walked back inside and grabbed hold of each pale lady, threw one over each shoulder, and deposited them in my bathroom.

I hurried back out to Garm, who was now on her feet.

“Hank, you need to—”

I grabbed her and put her on my shoulder before she could get all quick and bounce away. I noticed she had been wielding a metal pot. She had turned a damn pot into a deadly assassin weapon.

“Hey!” She yelled at me.

I hustled her into the bathroom and closed the door on us.

I was standing in a bathroom built for one, with three angry women about to spring into combat and kill one another.

It was cozy.

“So what’s all this about?”

There wasn’t enough room for them to fight and they probably didn’t relish the idea of dying in a lavatory.

“Hank,” Garm began, “there should be three of them.”

“I know,” I said. “I’m looking for the other. You got me the job.”

She looked at me but only for a split second, before returning her cautious gaze to the pale ladies.

“When they requested access to visit, they requested access for three, to find a criminal and return him. Not two.”

“So one got lost and I’m looking for her.”

I didn’t understand why this was so important I had to torch my couch.

“I did not give permission for two to come and look for their companion!” She said that last part at the sisters.

“You gave us permission to find a criminal and return her. That is what we are doing,” a pale woman said.

“I didn’t say ‘her’!” Garm shouted.

“And you didn’t say ‘him.’” the pale lady replied coolly.

“So this is all because you’re looking for a different person than Garm thought? Who were you looking for?”

“They didn’t tell me,” Garm said. “But you said he was a criminal.”

“We didn’t say ‘he,’ and she is a criminal. Many times over.”

“But you said a criminal back on our home world,” Garm parried.

“And she is.”

Garm seemed to think about this.

“You guys like my new bathroom? I had everything redone. Free!” I said, wanting to contribute to the conversation.

“So you’re saying you are following my directions, only substituting your companion for your original target?” Garm asked.

“Yes,” a pale sister responded.

Then all three began that weird non-verbal communication as I stood there admiring my toilet. I’m glad they didn’t make me use it on them.

“Move!” Garm barked at me.

I moved away from the door and Garm squeezed out.

The pale ladies were also about to try and leave but I closed the door.

“A few questions,” I said. “Have you been killing my dates?”

“What is a date?”

“Those dead bodies outside my apartment.”

“We are not permitted to do anything other than hire your services.”

“Fine,” I said, running out of ideas on that front. “Someone stole a weapon from the Navy not long ago. Do you have it?”

They paused in answering. I saw the quickest flitter of fingers between the sisters though their heads and eyes didn’t move.