Gord Zajac - Major Karnage

Sydney caught up with Karnage. “Where are you going?”

“To get some fresh air.” Karnage glowered at the drone. “It’s startin’ to smell in here.”

Sydney blocked his way. “Major, wait.”

“What?”

“I know it sounds crazy—”

“It doesn’t just sound crazy.” Karnage shouted at the drone. “It is crazy!”

“Any crazier than an alien invasion?”

Karnage looked at Sydney. He shrugged. “Maybe just a little.”

“Look, I know how it sounds, but trust me. Uncle knows what he’s talking about.”

“He sure as hell doesn’t sound like it.”

“Remember when you asked me to trust you?”

“Yeah, and you didn’t.”

“That’s right. I didn’t. And it nearly got us killed. Don’t make the same mistake I did. He knows what he’s talking about.” She flipped up a pinky finger. “Where do you think I learned how to fight?”

Karnage looked at the drone, then back at Sydney. “Him?”

Sydney nodded. “Yes, him. He has a strange way of looking at things, but it works. Trust me, okay?”

Karnage looked at Sydney’s outstretched pinky. He nodded. “Okay.”

“All right, Unk,” Karnage said. “You got up to the Tenth Sense. What’s number eleven?”

“The Eleventh Sense is the most vital of them all. It is the culmination of the other ten senses into a cohesive whole.”

“I thought that was Acuity?”

“No,” the drone said. “Acuity is the honing of the nine individual senses into separate focus. The Eleventh Sense channels those nine points of focus into a cohesive whole. I call it Spirituality.”

“Spirituality? What, am I supposed to find religion now? Let me tell you somethin’, Unk. The last religion I found tried to feed me to a giant fucking worm!”

The drone wagged a tendril. “Do not confuse religion with the spiritual. Religion is a strictly human construct, designed to oppress the senses. It is geared specifically towards engaging the lizard brain. Spirituality, on the other hand, is the strict application of the scientific method to empirical data collected from all ten senses. So, while it can technically be argued that the Eleventh Sense is nothing more than the carefully synthesized application of ten senses, there is an even stronger argument that the whole is indeed far greater than the sum of its parts.”

Karnage shot Sydney a doubtful look. “Okay, so how do I master this Eleventh Sense?”

“Oh it takes years of training to fully master the Eleven Senses. Which is why we will be attempting no such thing. Instead, I will teach you the equivalent of a series of parlour tricks. You don’t need to understand all facets of human physiology to learn how to defeat a so-called ‘lie’ detector. Nor will you need a degree in neuroscience to learn how to defeat the workings of the Sanity Patch.”

“So what do I have to do?”

“You must learn to stop acting on instinct, and embrace your conscious self. No more gut reactions. No more split decisions. They could cost you your life. In a word, don’t feel—think!”

Karnage balked. “You want me to think?”

“Is that a problem for you?”

“You’re goddamn right it is! I spent my whole life in the military. You’re taught not to think! Thinking gets you killed! It slows you down! You learn to rely on muscle memory. It keeps you alive. I can’t just throw all that away!”

“Yes. Your lizard brain is very well trained. So well trained, in fact, that it will most assuredly kill you if you continue down this path. You must undrill what has been drilled. Do not succumb to your primal urges. Make rational choices. Not thinking is now what will get you killed. You must learn to engage your upper brain functions. Do not mindlessly react to the impulses of the lizard brain. Take a moment. Listen to what the lizard brain wants you to do. Then, process it through the limbic lobe. Reason out why it is necessary to do what the lizard brain desires. Then, act— with direction and purpose—comfortable in the knowledge that you are in fact making a rational choice.”

“Okay, wait a minute. Hold on. Let me see if I get this,” Karnage said. “If I feel like I need to punch somebody in the mouth, I need to stop, think up a good reason why I should punch them, and then just… go ahead and punch ’em in the mouth?”

“A crude way of putting it, but essentially, yes.”

“Isn’t that just doing the same thing?”

The drone pointed an excited tendril at Karnage. “That is the intrinsic subtlety of the Eleventh Sense, and is the essence of the parlour trick. So long as you can logically reason that there is no rational alternative, then your course of action is free and clear. The inevitability of the desired action is the crucial piece in this puzzle. The keystone, if you will. Break the rock—not because of an urge to commit violence, but because it is a rational necessity required for you to achieve your goal.”

“It’s like the difference between punching a wall in anger, and a boxer throwing a punch in the ring,” Sydney said. “A good one, anyway.”

“All right,” Karnage rubbed his chin. “I think I get it. So what do I get to practise my punches on?”

Sydney stood facing Karnage in the central square of the park. She gave him the evil eye. “You want to make any snide remarks about me being your punching bag?”

Karnage shook his head. “Nope. Not a one.”

The drone floated down between them. “Rest assured, no one will be punching anyone. Not yet, at any rate. We will start small. Major, please place your hand on Sydney’s shoulder.”

Karnage did.

“Now, step forward, keeping your elbow locked, and your hand firmly on her shoulder.”

Karnage kept his arm locked as he took a step forward. Sydney took a step back to keep her balance. His Sanity Patch was silent.

The drone’s lens flashed in the sun. “Excellent! Now again. Faster this time.”

Karnage took a quick step forward. He pushed Sydney two steps back. His Sanity Patch stayed silent.

“Most excellent! Now, again. Faster.”

Karnage’s step became a lunge. Sydney stumbled back a few steps.

“Good,” the drone said. “Now, this time, you will push with the same momentum. Only this time, you will use only your arm.”

Karnage gave Sydney a hard shove. The Sanity Patch buzzed. “Warning. Sanity Level upgraded to Frothy Cream. Please refrain from violent behaviour.”

The drone tsked. “Concentrate on your emotional state. Remember: you are not striking your opponent. It is but a firm push. Necessity requires you to move her, using nothing but your open palm.”

“Wouldn’t it be a lot easier if I just asked her politely to move?”

“Yes, but that would defeat the purpose of the exercise. Concentrate on the objective.”

“The objective’s kind of dumb,” Karnage said. “I’m pushin’ her pretty hard. I know it. She knows it. We all know it. It’s pretty much a shove, and in my books, a shove is a precursor to violence.”

“Mine, too,” Sydney said.

The drone’s lens zoomed in and out impatiently. “Which is why we are attempting to skip over that particular chapter in your internal book. That is the crux of the trick. Focus on your longterm goal. Why are you attempting this? Why is it important you can accomplish this? It goes far beyond the short-term goal of completing the exercise itself. What is it you hope to achieve, Major? Concentrate on that.”

Karnage closed his eyes and tried to think long-term. I need to kick some squidbug ass. He opened his eyes and gave Sydney another shove.