Gord Zajac - Major Karnage

Riggs dropped his glass.

A panel opened directly above him. A giant phallic object emerged from the hole, crackling with green energy. Riggs turned and ran.

“Major!” Riggs screamed. “MAJOR!”

Riggs’s world filled with an intense painful green.

The closer Karnage got to Camp Bailey, the more alien the landscape became. The tar pits became a thick, black marsh covered in a crosshatch of orange and pink. The squiggly cries of The Worm became more frequent. With each cry of The Worm, Stumpy grew paler and shakier. The only thing that kept him going was Karnage’s steady banter. So long as Karnage reminded Stumpy that he was at his side, he knew Stumpy would find the resolve to keep going. He hoped things would improve once they reached Camp Bailey.

But Camp Bailey was anything but reassuring to either of them. They reached the base after dark. The stoic buildings looked like giant tombstones against the starry night sky. As their eyes adjusted to the gloom, details of the buildings emerged from the darkness. Orange creeper covered everything. The roads were covered with pink and brown scrub. Orange vines slithered across the road from one building to the next. The whole base looked infected. Bits of crumpled paper blew by on the wind. In the distance, they could see the faint orange glow of campfires. Stumpy’s eyes locked on the fires. “Spragmites,” he whispered.

“Good news.” Karnage grabbed Stumpy’s shoulder and gave him a shake. “The fires are on the west edge of the camp. The Godmaster Array is to the east. All we gotta do is stay quiet and lay low. Those Spragmites won’t even know we’re—”

The trunk exploded with an ear-splitting bang. The duffel bag flew out and twisted across the road.

“Sonofabitch!” Karnage exploded out of the car. He chased after the squirming bag and stamped a boot on it. He ripped open the zipper. Sydney’s head flew out.

“You picked a hell of a time to wake up,” Karnage hissed.

“Why?” Sydney said. “Because you haven’t got us killed yet?”

A squiggly torrent of sound shot across them, shaking the windows in the cruiser.

Stumpy’s head appeared out of the car, his eyes wide with fear. “Major?” He whispered.

Karnage jerked a thumb at the car. “Break out the supplies, Corporal. We’re gearin’ up.”

Stumpy saluted and got out of the car.

“You’re just going to get yourselves killed,” Sydney said.

Karnage didn’t answer. He walked to the car, and took the keys out of the ignition. He walked back to Sydney, and tossed them beside her.

“What’s this?” Sydney asked.

“This is where we part company, Captain. From here on in, you’re on your own.” Karnage turned his back on her.

“That’s it?” Sydney asked. “I’m free to go?”

“That’s it,” Karnage said. “Try and chase us down if you like. But somethin’ tells me you’re gonna want to steer clear o’ this place.”

“Aren’t you going to at least untie me before you go?”

Karnage turned and smiled. “Give me a little credit here, Captain. You probably got yourself at least half untied already. I’d do you the honour of untying you myself, but I think it’d be better if me and Stumpy were well clear o’ here when that happens. Somethin’ tells me the blast radius is gonna be pretty big.”

Sydney smirked. “Maybe you’re not quite as crazy as they say you are.”

A violent torrent of squiggly sound hurtled across the landscape.

Karnage’s face darkened. “Don’t be so sure.” He saluted. “It’s been an honour, Captain.”

He walked back to Stumpy. Stumpy had arranged their equipment in rows on the ground. Karnage surveyed the collection of goober rifles and grenades laid out before them. All of it was non-lethal. He picked up a goober grenade. Dabby Tabby’s grinning face had been etched into its surface. Karnage hefted it in his hand. Not even a goddamn pistol.

“Pack light, Corporal.” Karnage clipped the grenade to his belt. “We’ve got to stay mobile. Get in, get out. We fix up the Godmaster Array, find out what those alien bastards are up to, then get the hell out. Is that clear?”

“Sir, yes, sir!”

“All right, let’s move out.”

They slipped through the front gates into the camp. Each of them had a row of goober grenades clipped to his belt and a goober rifle slung over his shoulder.

Karnage led Stumpy through the camp towards the massive crater that housed the Godmaster Array. As they approached, the strange desert foliage grew thicker and thicker. The entire outer surface of the crater was covered in orange creeper and pinkstink. As they climbed the surface of the crater, they crushed the vegetation. Brown juice squirted out that stank of gasoline and cigarettes. The smell reminded Karnage of the smoke from the hoverballs.

They pulled themselves onto the rough lip of the crater. Below them was the Godmaster Array. The mirrored dishes spiralled out from the centre of the crater in a pixelated whorl, reflecting the night sky.

“So far, so good.” Karnage pointed across the crater to a row of squat buildings glowing in the moonlight. “Control station’s over there.”

Another squiggling torrent of sound slammed into them, threatening to blow them off the lip of the crater and into the dishes below. The faint sound of cheering echoed in the distance. Stumpy froze in his tracks, staring out at the campfires, eyes wide with fear. Karnage grabbed him by the shoulder and shook him. “Corporal? Corporal, look at me.”

Stumpy tore his gaze away from the campfires and looked at Karnage. His face was so white it glowed as brightly as the Godmaster Array.

“Corporal, we are within a hair’s breadth of our goal. Don’t go AWOL on me now. Are you still with me, soldier?”

Stumpy blinked, and swallowed hard. He nodded. “Yes, sir.”

“That’s the spirit, soldier. Let’s move out.”

They skulked around the perimeter—laying low to avoid being backlit by moonlight—and approached the command centre. The orange creeper grew thick on its walls. Karnage brushed it aside and saw the windows underneath were still intact. Karnage grinned. “Tempered bullet-proof glass. None of that consumer-grade stuff like down below.”

Karnage felt along the wall until he found the door. Buried under a tangle of creeper was a rusted padlock that still held the door firmly shut. Karnage placed the butt of his rifle against the padlock and waited for another blast of squiggly noise. When the noise hit, Karnage broke off the lock with the butt of his rifle. The sound of the metal snapping and his Sanity Patch buzzing was drowned out by the squiggling and cheering. Karnage pushed open the door. He and Stumpy snuck in.

Their eyes took a moment to adjust to the deeper dark of the command centre. Papers were piled in crisp stacks on desks. Chairs were uniformly tucked in to workstations as if they were still on duty, patiently waiting for a command. Not a scrap of paper was out of place. Not a speck of dust anywhere.

Karnage grinned. “Whoever was the duty officer here ran a tight ship.”

“Couldn’t have been much tighter from the looks of things,” Stumpy said. “You wouldn’t guess this place was abandoned for twenty years.”

“He was full-on military, right to the end.” Karnage ran his fingers along the edge of a desk. Wonder if they locked him up in a padded cell, too?

Stumpy tried a switch. “No power,” he said.

“Can’t say I’m too surprised,” Karnage said. “If I get you power, can you get this system up and running?”

Stumpy ran his fingers over one of the consoles. “Running? Hell, I can probably get it to do backflips.”