Robert Adams - Trumpets of War

Since then, Mainahkos had been thoheeks in all save only name; he had seen to it that that ducal council had all quickly followed their victim into death, by one means or another. He had been teetering upon the very verge of declaring himself Thoheeks Mainahkos Klehftikos of the Duchy of Klehftikos and the City of Klehftikopolis (for, as he and his men had become at least marginally “respectable,” he had adopted the new surname, and now no man who did not desire a messy, agonizing and brutally protracted demise ever recalled aloud the powerful warlord’s original cognomen, Klehpteekos—“the Thief”, and riding to Mehseepolis to demand legal confirmation of his title and lands of the council of the Consolidated Thoheekseeahnee .

He and Ahreekos had both chanced to be out of the city when the boy, son he claimed of Thoheeks Klawdos, came nosing around, in company with some tall, arrogant dotard. But they had both been gone beyond recall by the time the would-be thoheeks had returned, and he had had the fools who had allowed their escape to be flayed alive and then rolled in salt for their inordinate stupidity; those tanned skins still hung in prominent places on the walls of his hall of audience, a silent, savage, ever-present warning to his followers.

On a summer’s day, Mainahkos sat at meat with his principal officer-advisers and his longtime partner. Ahreekos had never bothered to change his cognomen, still reveling in being known as “The Butcher,” although he was become so fat that he no longer did or could do much fighting of any nature. The topic of the discussion around that table was that army which they had been warned was marching upon them from Mehseepolis, in the east-southeast.

In answer to a query directed at him by Mainahkos, the heavy cavalry commander, one Stehrgiahnos—who had been born and reared the heir of avahrohnos, though his father had fallen at Ahrbahkootchee and Stehrgiahnos himself had forfeited title, lands and nearly life itself in an ill-timed rebellion against King Fahrkos, the failure of which had seen him declared outlaw and a distant cousin confirmed to all that which had been his—set down his goblet and patted dry his lips, moustaches and beard before saying somewhat cautiously, “My lord, it might be as well to at least essay a meeting with the senior officers of this army. After all, my lord’s claim to this city and thoheekseeahn should be as good as that any other might make, for he has been a good lord since he has held the city and lands, and, although not related to the ancient but now probably extinct house, he does own the support of at least some of the people of Kahlk—ahh, that is to say, of Klehftikos.”

Mainahkos frowned, sniffed, sneezed and wiped his nose on the wine-and-food-spotted sleeve of his fine linen shirt, considering the suggestion.

Ahreekos shoved aside what little was left of the whole suckling pig on which he had feasted, drained off a half-liter mug of beer, belched thunderously twice, broke wind just as thunderously, then nodded his agreement with the cavalry officer, giving no more thought to his grease-glazed beard than he did to the flies that crawled on and in it and buzzed about his face.

“Stehrgiahnos, he’s right, you know, Mainahkos. From whatall my scouts done told me, that army a-coming against us ain’t one like I’d of cared to face three, four years ago, when we was at full stren’th. And they got them elephants, too. My boys see’d three of the critters, and you know fucking good and well it’s gotta be more of them.

“Look, why don’t we send out Stehrgiahnos here and a couple more fellers of his stripe and let them palaver with the strahteegos of that army some, huh? Ain’tno fucking thing to be lost by that, is it?”

Pausing briefly to lift a bulging buttock and again break wind, he then continued, “Look, Mainahkos, old Thoheeks Grahvos and them over there in Mehseepolis is making new thoheeksee andkomeesee and vahrohnosee andopokomeesee right and left and up and down all over the place, I hear tell, and like Stehrgiahnos just done said, you got you about as good a claim as anybody’s got to thishere city and duchy. Hell, yourclaim’s a fucking lot better nor most, you’re sitting in it, holding it, and you been doing it for three fucking years, too.

“So it could be, when you look hard at ever’thing, if you allow as how you’ll stand ahind Thoheeks Grahvos and his Council and all them, won’t be no battle or war at all and you’ll wind up as the real, legal thoheeks. And if ever’thingdon’t work out, we can always fight after we done talking.”

Mainahkos sat picking between his discolored teeth with a cracked and very filthy thumbnail for a while, his gaze fixed on a blue fly that had wandered into a dollop of hot-pepper sauce and looked to be in its death throes. Taking a mouthful of wine from the heavy gilded-silver goblet, he swished it about briefly, then spat it out onto the once-fine carpet beside his chair, guzzled down the rest of the wine, and sat rolling the stem between his greasy hands as he announced his decision.

“Hell, you right, Ahreekos, and you too, Stehrgiahnos, ain’t no fucking thing gonna be lost by talking with them bastids, maybe a whole damn lot to be gained, if things comes to go right with that talking. But I still want the levy raised and marched out at the same time, too. And I want word sent over there to old Ratface Billisos and Horsecock Kawlos to bring in ever’ swinging dick what they can lay claws to from the western and northernkomeeseeahnee. And tell them to bring all the mounts and supplies and beeves they can beg, borrer or steal, too. If it works out that we have to fight, I wants ever’thing I can get on our side.”

It was a long, slow, very frustrating march for the army led by Grand Strahteegos Komees Pahvlos Feelohpohlehmos. Only three days out, the captain of pioneers died of heart failure after being bitten by a watersnake while supervising the strenghtening of a bridge; the headeeahtros reported to Pahvlos that fright or heart failure must have killed the officer, for an examination of the front half of the dead serpent had determined it to not be a poisonous one at all, though a rather large specimen of its kind.

At the next wide river, several very long, massivekrokothehliohsee were observed by the scouts, and Pahvlos insisted that the dangerous, armored horrors be caught on land or in the shallows and speared to death before he would allow men or beasts to use the deep, difficult ford. One of the scaly monsters was found to be more than seven and a quartermehtrahee long, its tooth-studded jaws and head being every bit as long as the strahteegos was tall. Officers and not a few others pried and cut out huge, pointed teeth for souvenirs, and the white meat from the thick, muscular tails became a part of the evening’s rations—a welcome change from bread and beans and stringy beef for those lucky enough to get some of it.

A week farther along the abdominable roadway, the scouts sent back a galloper to report that at some time in the recent years, a colony of beavers had built a long, high, thick dam that had turned a small vale that the road had crossed into a spreading lake. A study of the map showed Pahvlos that if he backtracked for three or four days, he would be able to cut another road that would eventually lead him to a place from which he could reach his objective by way of a cross-country march of seven or eight additional days.

Rather than waste so much more time, he marched on and went into camp on the marshy shore of the lake, then set his pioneers, artificiers and as many common soldiers as were needed to break apart and tear out the beaver dam. When the most of the water had drained away, the hard-worked pioneers probed what had been the bottom muck and marked the roadway so that sweating, cursing companies of pikemen could scoop up and shovel away the stuff to reveal the fitted stones beneath it. This way, the delay was only two days, not twelve.