Steve Erickson - Arc d'X

All night the boat was pulled by the waves and then hurled back toward the cliffs. By the early hours of morning the boat had finally made its way out to sea, beyond Central’s searchlights; but the shadows of the obelisks of Aeonopolis were still in plain sight and Etcher was alarmed that with dawn the boat would be visible to patrols along the coast. Soaked and overwhelmed by exhaustion and cold, Etcher rowed, racing insanely against the sea and the light of day. Their greatest ally now, he told himself, was the volcano, which delayed the full morning light until nearly noon. He hurried, to whatever extent possible, from one patch of Vog to the other, hoping they might find one to ride up the coast like the lost Vog Travelers of the Arboretum. He kept telling himself that if they could get far enough from the city, around some bend of the coastline above them, then they could rest, sleeping at the bottom of the boat in the sun.

But at the other end of the boat, with his coat wrapped around her in the dark before daylight, the Woman in the Dark said, “I’m cold.”

“I know,” Etcher said. “In a few hours the sun will be out. When we’re far enough from the city, when we don’t have to worry about drifting back, we’ll sleep in the sun.”

“I’m very cold,” she said, as though she hadn’t heard a word he’d said.

“Think about the sun.”

“Even the Ice wasn’t this cold.”

“Think about a place to sleep.”

“Maybe we should go back,” she said.

“What?” Etcher was incredulous.

“It’s too far.”

“We’re not going back. There’s nothing to go back to. You said yourself there’s no going back. You said yourself there’s no changing your mind. Think about the sun. Think about a place to sleep. We’ve come this far, think of how far we’ve come. It’s just a little further.” The sea, which had been sporadically calmer, was now becoming rough again. The boat was rocked by a wave and Etcher hung on, but in the dark on the other end of the boat Mona was not hanging on; she was holding herself in the cold, huddling in his coat.

“Keep me warm,” she said.

“I will,” he answered. “I promise.”

“Keep me warm now.” She stood in the boat to come to him.

“Sit down,” he said quickly.

“Please,” she pleaded, still half standing, and she stepped into the middle of the boat. She was in the middle of the boat, coming to Etcher to beg him for the warmth she never asked of anyone, when the next wave slammed the boat and she vanished. In the blinking of an eye Etcher was by himself. There had been no cry, no last glimpse of her going overboard, no hand reaching out for rescue from inside a fatal wave, nothing left but his coat which she’d worn to keep her warm; he’d lurched to grab her when she was standing in the middle of the boat and had only gotten the coat. If she’d been wearing the coat rather than just wrapping it around her, it would have saved her. Now she was gone as though she’d never been there at all, Etcher sitting alone in the night out on the sea with his coat in his hand, looking around frantically for some trace of her in the water. He began to call out to her only to realize he didn’t know her name, that the fiction they had invented in the Fleurs d’X was that she had no name. So he couldn’t even call to her. He couldn’t see or find her. For the rest of the night he didn’t row anymore, even after he knew she wasn’t coming back, because he couldn’t bring himself to abandon her.

As she sank beneath the waves, with far less panic than she would have supposed, Mona thought of Wade running through the Arboretum at this very moment looking for her. Little did he know, little could he imagine as he rushed from chamber to chamber and corridor to corridor searching for her, that she was no longer in the Arboretum at all, no longer in the city, but far away in the ocean’s undertow; she wondered how long it would be before he got that feeling one inevitably gets that someone is gone from his life forever. Perhaps, was her last thought, if he’d painted the walls of the flat not with the secrets of the Arboretum but rather in the color and currents of the sea, she would not have left him after all, the aquadoom of her destiny having come to her instead. With the burst of her lungs she announced this doom to the water’s surface, a black bubble her only memorial in a night too dark and a sea too deranged for anyone to honor it.

NOT LONG AGO I SAID to a friend, “But of course, nothing’s irrevocable.” And she was surprised. “Then you’ve changed your mind,” she said, “because up until now everything you’ve written has been that some things are irrevocable.” For a moment I felt dishonest or exposed. I was certainly confused, because I hadn’t been aware that my view of things had changed so profoundly. I had to give some thought to the possibility that, if I had in fact made this profound change, it was to survive, a necessity I nonetheless couldn’t respect because I don’t believe the truth of the world changes in order to accommodate anyone’s survival. If it’s the nature of some things to be irrevocable they remain so however urgently I may need to feel differently. At any rate, I knew it was a process of age. I knew I was now nearer the end of my life than the beginning, and the facts and incidents of that life take on more significance simply because there will be fewer of them, and so I had to believe that they were in fact less fraught with consequence so that I could go on. So that, in the darkness left by passion’s supernova, I wouldn’t hurtle back into the dead calm that had preceded it. I would defy my own passivity by making the world around me a more passive place, where everything’s ultimately inconsequential and nothing’s irrevocable, where everything can be returned to the way it was before and every choice includes the option of reversing it when it turns out to be a mistake. Where risk isn’t always a matter of life and death. Where at the end of the two years during which you turned your life upside down, rearranging it from top to bottom, you can wind up back where you started, only a bit older and a bit more broken, closer to the end of everything than to the beginning.

And the truth is that I was right all along. Even as the fact of it becomes more overwhelming, more unbearable, some things are irrevocable, if not circumstantially then in the heart and memory, the heart and memory being the only two things that can puncture the flow of time through which hisses the history of the future. Two years ago when I stood with her on the cliffs overlooking the sea beyond that point where the fence ended, we said nothing, we touched nothing, we saw nothing, we were nothing but the two of us together; and afterward nothing, including all the things that had not been said and not been touched and not been seen, would ever be the same for either of us even now when I’m alone once more, as before, and she’s gone. In the bid and hunger for freedom in which she’d lived her whole life, she couldn’t help but be cavalier about love; love would not undo that bid or satisfy that hunger. Everything that’s truly irrevocable finally has to do with love or freedom, but whether you act in the name of the first or the second, one of them ultimately bows to the other and that’s the most irrevocable thing of all.

Standing with her two years ago on those cliffs overlooking the sea, even I knew that.

Etcher’s treacherous boat found its forsaken shore thirty miles up the coast, on the second day after he’d left the city; and though he’d had his hours in the sun, nothing could warm him. The cold of the sea had sunk so deep into his bones that by the time he made his way to the first little village inland, taking a job stocking the meat locker for a local storekeeper, he was like an animal hurrying to the chill of its natural habitat. In the locker his heavy glasses fogged over and froze to his face. Sometimes he thought about Mona and sometimes he thought about Sally; sometimes in his thoughts the two of them blurred together into a flaxen black succubus so sexually lush it repelled him to think of her. So he didn’t think. He worked in the meat locker for four days, drawing wages and hitching a ride out of town up the main highway, bypassing the first station and the second until he reached the third, where he gambled that it would be safe to take a train.