Louisa Hall - Speak

Also, mother has resolved it to be so, feeling this to be proper time for author to come to womanhood.

In short, father resigned to unhappy arrangement. Hopes author can find herself equally tranquil.

Then sat us together in his brown study. Dark wood, leather Bible, globe; map of Copernican heavens; many books arranged to show bindings; scent of tobacco, parchment, wood shavings, ink. All these things, beloved between us. Despite indignation, awareness of closeness with father, and of possessing his highest trust. Watched father’s face, much fallen from years of great conflict.

Seeing this, and being repentant, took pains to convince father I comprehend all reasons for marriage. Importance of new colonies; liberty of conscience; danger, for Parliamentarians, of remaining in England; literacy, male and female alike; independence from monarchical rule, etc. etc. All extremely good reasons.

Still, despite best intentions, remain much troubled by anger. After discourse with father, went to meadow with Ralph. Cried until sky became thick, and of a color like a trout’s belly. Next, rain. Rocks and meadows becoming silver, and trees waving like pennons. Dark green on one side, pale green on the next. Whole banks of trees, shifting from one hue to the other.

13th . Up early, and busy writing. Understand now that this book was not intended as gift for young adventurer. Intended instead to sweeten marriage. Mahogany leather, gold imprint, ribbon once flattering. Father’s belief in author’s potential. Same details troublesome now, with new awareness.

Feel shallow and mean. Only Ralph understands. Has lain with me in my chamber since morning. White ruff, brown eyebrows. Eyes, liquid. Full of pity. Love him with unbearable feeling.

15th . Have been told by Besse, and this confirmed later by father, that Ralph must stay behind. Will not be permitted to sail.

Noon, and foul weather. Nothing else to report.

15th . Up, and still abed, though very late. Have nothing else to say at this point.

16th . Afternoon. Cannot sacrifice Ralph. Will not be persuaded that it be right to leave him behind, and with no explanation, him being incredibly loyal. Would sit still forever, facing the road and waiting for my return, which would never occur. Impossible to imagine for long. Will not agree to upcoming marriage. Will not travel abroad, not taking Ralph. Not even for my father’s sake. He is asking too much.

17th . Having long suspected mother’s role in issue of marriage, received proof of it in the morning. Myself and Ralph to the copse, but came instead upon mother and father exchanging high words in the bedroom, and so waited in hiding with Ralph. Mother repeated conviction that author should not be closer to sheepdogs than people, and well time to be married.

Father: Had hoped, however, for arrangement out of affection.

Mother: Ours was an arrangement out of affection, and now you abandon me to savages, having already abandoned me once, and only to heed your daughter’s affections?

Father: And yet she must consent.

Mother: And so her consent is of more value to you than my life.

Father: (Silent, but by the sounds of it heavy chastened.)

Much troubled at heart, returned then to my chamber and only from thence when forced by hunger to look after supper. Abed, and still troubled, it grieving my heart to give father sorrow. Father, much tired by struggles, no longer so strong as he once was. And who will protect him and my mother, if not a man such as Whittier?

Has long been author’s hope that father will recover himself once we are come to new land. For father’s sake, journey must prove a success.

17th . Many hours later, still unable to sleep. Have resolved myself to marry, despite husband’s pockmarks and unsettling neck. Despite unthinkable loss of my Ralph.

18th . Up with the candle, and then to prayer, and afterwards have made my announcing. Then spent all morning conceited, for having resolved myself to sacrifice. Took exceeding long walk, and found new shine on everything. Last cow parsnips, last apricots, last walk with Ralph along edges of meadow. It being a goodly and poetic sadness, author now understands why many martyrs rejoice. Have been overweening with servants, for soon I shall lose myself. Self-sacrifice perhaps greatest indulgence. Disgust at Roger Whittier transformed into sensations of courage and remarkable grace.

And so I shall marry and then we set sail.

20th . Have made many demands on mother since morning, with little compunction, being confident in position as most noble female member of family. Can scarcely look upon meadow for awareness of imminent loss. Ralph sits beside. Looks up at me from time to time, and his eyes deep pools. Suspects, I think, he will be abandoned. I am sick with affection.

22nd . Up early, and preparations for departure. Heavy with sorrow for Ralph, but as the hours pass I grow increasing unfeeling. Tended to my proper duties but harbored throughout an abiding suspicion that perhaps I had died already. Ralph sent outdoors, for tripping the maid at her work. Deadly number of fittings, to get up for wedding and journey. Acquiesced with patience to all, as if watching myself, a curious, obedient child. Presided over wedding chest and the packing of my belongings. Insisted on having my viol, which will come in place of some linens.

House in high uproar, and a great concourse of persons coming and going, bringing deliveries and making departures. Wedding day shall be tomorrow. The following day we do depart, if weather be permitting.

22nd . Night, and unable to sleep for fear of Ralph’s future. Outside my window, a thin sliver of moon. Cannot help but compare it to Ralph, alone in the country without us. Abandoned, waiting for our return.

Have resolved for writing directly to Ralph. God forgive me if this be impious. To Ralph, then: I did not want to leave you behind. Tomorrow, we shall take one final walk. You shall be let out in the sheep, and no one shall stop you from barking, and we shall stay far off from our stream, for water makes you afraid, and you shall not be permitted to suffer. You are my own, and have been with me in every part of my life.

23rd . Evening. Weather holds. Have married Roger Whittier, before magistrate, in civil contract. Can you still love me, my Ralph?

In recognition of union, did receive this gift from Whittier: A Perfit Description of the Caelestiall Orbes, and beautiful binding indeed. Suspect hand of my father, well knowing author’s interest in planets. Upon occasion of present, Whittier delivered small and uncomfortable sermon on mutual respect and ongoing learning. Value of word, etc. Face tilted forwards on unhandsome neck. Proclaims desire to be respectful, and take time to know one another as friends. Author (he says) will not be obliged to enter his house, until at least she is ready. Hopes with time real love will arise, and did lean forwards and kiss my cheek, which doing caused my skin to go cold.

Later, and alone but for Ralph, the great concourse of well-wishers and family having gone home and left us. Have taken final walk through the country. Scenery changed. Familiar place, viewed through the eyes of married woman. Felt wild and awful, wished for a storm. No storm; clear skies. Dappled light in wooded copse, and in the courtyard, apricot trees with new leaves. Come summer, who will gather their fruit?

Now abed, with you at my side. And so only us, under the mantle together, but in Besse comes to add silver cups to my wedding chest, which seems fit to burst. Her having gone, now it is only we who remain, except for that loathed chest, that sits very still like an unburied coffin. Write these words with my head on your side, and your rib cage moving beneath me.