Sergey Vassiliev - The realm of tormenting dreams

And now, having passed the exam, I felt like a completely different person, I felt superior to the evil girl who, besides all, mocked at me, adding to all her other muck, that she likes much to torture people. At present, this gives me the right to conclude basing of this tragic relationship that they were not valuable. Unfortunately, another trouble occurred at once: dentists cut out my cyst and I, waking up after all these misfortunes, decided to start, probably, to revenge for my resentment from her refusal and began to court Rita’s friend, to whom I was sincerely attached, but having separated her from Rita and nevertheless almost fallen in love with this girlfriend, began to lose my soul, which at that point was quite exhausted, wandering in the intricate corridors of passion. The new relationship was a fatal burden, assuming, in addition to responsibility, the strain combined with the severity of our separation with that, though so nasty but yet beloved girl.

And here, it seems, are the intrigues known to everybody; but mentally sick people can’t be engaged in them, and they can not endure the whole gust of emotions in such cases. But I want to live, and if I do not create a family, taking serious steps, then at least to be able to try for some time to be at some level of relationships with the opposite sex, even if this does not lead to the goal of continuing this relationship.

But certainly, at that time I was not aware of the fact that I can’t marry, have children, create a good family, although, evidently, I was greatly frightened by what had happened to me recently enough, therefore, being alarmed, in a sense, I did not have that self-confidence, which must necessarily contribute to this kind of happiness.

As soon as I developed a strong aversion to my former girlfriend, and I began to look more bravely into the future, my mom again did a great thing and helped me get a job as a lawyer; I must say I could not think of any independent actions, my parents often anticipated my career progress, but it was still very good, that I knew about my future in advance. Although I had to go to another city, but the very specificity of the job inspired a respect for myself, I was very pleased to work as a legal adviser. Here I found a girlfriend, here I began to come into contact with the team, producing by my active behavior, as far as I thought, quite a pleasant impression. But a situation occurred when I playing volleyball with colleagues suddenly could not well kick off the ball; it was so shameful for me, especially in my own eyes, what I decided not to go to work the other day.

But, certainly, for all this time, only try to imagine, the maniacal idea had already been blossoming in my head since the very admission to this job. First, my mind was possessed the idea that I was a very unusual person, and this gave me hope for great achievements. Thus, for example, I decided to pass examinations without attending lectures, as Lenin did, then listen and thus enter the company with Elvis Presley while relaxing. However, it would be quite a normal thing, if there were no such consequences of all this. Along with the newly emerged active behavior, I was seized by some kind of power, but it was yet hidden in some lively manifestations from the boss of this respectable company who showed no respect and tolerance for me, although, I must say, all the others admired, as it seemed to me, my character. And the work was serious, I had to sign documents, and yet it was the whirlwind of energies raging within me that gave, it seemed to me, the right to be recognized. How can it be else? Can anybody not like a positive, active person? And I tried to charm everyone – in one way or another. I also mean that, apart from my behavior, I was a paraquet and at the same time elegantly dressed, smoked only expensive cigarillos but at the same tine tried not to abuse this poison, I read the best newspapers and, in general, behave decently, my room was full of flowers that were supposed to clean the air, so that it would give the best expression to my judgments. Morning exercises are mandatory. In general, I was changing, as it seemed to everyone, for the better, rapidly accelerating the speed of these changes. But, again, no longer feeling the burden and running away from the severity of the broken romance.

It seemed already that now nothing held me back, tortured or annoyed me, but only prospects were emerging, and I completely believed in the upcoming life success. And suddenly, along with this emotionally bright life, the thoughts of that greatness that several years before had distracted me from purposeful practical interests began to appear. I began to think that having such an ability to produce an effective influence on people, to stun them with a stream of absolutely brave proud judgments, to thrill them with hypnotizing words, and even to persuade them of my ideas as absolute true, so how can I be an ordinary man? No doubt, I began to consider myself far from ordinary, and even more – a superman, a gift. After all, at that time before, in the way it started to seem, for the unsuccessful first time of my rise, when for some reason I was put in a hospital, I had been able to prove to many friends that I had been a real god; after all they believed then, so they would obviously believe it now.

But yet, I potentially followed the course of a completely normal life which I did not find interesting enough for my future, much in this search, transformed from independent practical ideas that had until now possessed me, to some new, or rather, quite familiar mystic and psychological process of search. Now I already stunned the students of the correspondence department, especially my female classmate, with whom I held many interesting conversations, told her many stories about the so distant past grief. She was a smart girl and, perhaps, she recognized in my behavior that madness which I so sincerely admitted, being eager to cheer her up somehow in our conversations, but perhaps that she did not recognize it at all… After all, the event that had happened to me, after a long time became only an exciting story for those in whom I had enough trust. And now, that what I was not afraid of at all, began to spout out of me in the form of ancient jitters and mystical dramas, right after the mockery of myself, which I had only recently expressed in my revelation to my fellow student, and however, and not only to her: I courageously and happily shared the history of my illness with those to whom my trust could be extended. And the irony over the terrible monster of an ominous disease did not save me from encountering it.

Sitting at home, studying the subject I was about to take exam in, becoming more confident in my ability to pass it with success, I was passionate about this study. But, despite my apparent good preparedness, I received an modest note, I had already told that the features of memory and diligence finally quit those who, on the contrary, in the heat of the disease, are confident in the utility of maniacal enthusiasm. In addition, after listening to the tutor’s reproach that I did not seem to have read anything at all before the exam and that she can not accept a box of sweets from me, because she’s a lawyer, I was completely offended and understood nothing; as a matter of fact, it was a counter gift for the favor to let me test out. In general, I was disappointed, as in fact I did my best and read everything, but my gratitude turned out to be of no good to anyone. Yet, paying no attention to some awkwardness of my life, I was still convinced of the bright future with this powerful energy, and, moreover, good luck should come to a man who was so determined and brave. I saw my fearlessness in this ability to cope with a huge stream of tremendous judgments which dramatically altered the picture of my outlook and yet seemed to leave me in a sane mind, and I felt again being a god and bravely accepted the new destiny that was contrary to the real one. I understood that I can experience such rare emotions and feelings and give birth to extraordinary thoughts that put me above others.