Anonymous - Pearl

It was with sincere regret that Madame le Maire parted from me at dawn of day, to join her sleeping husband, to whose brows had just been added a pair of horns. They were short to be sure, but there appeared every prospect of their branching out into large antlers.

Before leaving me she made me promise to stop on my return.

After breakfast in the morning I returned my host my sincere thanks for his hospitality, assuring him that the entertainment I had received in his house was far beyond my expectations.

I ordered my carriage, and followed by my page, took the road to Vienna.

(To be continued.)

SALLY'S MISTAKE.

Sally, the servant-maid of Mr. A—, was accustomed to walk in her sleep. She one night came into her master's room, went into his bed, laid down and slept between him and his wife.

In the morning Mr. A— got up according to his usual custom, a little after five o'clock, after having performed (as he thought) the part of an affectionate husband, not suspecting that there was anybody in bed with him but his wife.

He had not got downstairs before Mrs. A— awoke, and accosted Sally, whom she mistook for her husband, in the following terms: "My dear Mr. A—, indeed I am not surprised that we have no children, since you are so lazy. Come closer, my dear, pray my dear, come. I am sure I am young and vigorous and perform my part as well as any woman in the kingdom."

Here Mrs. A— paused a few minutes, waiting for an answer, but receiving none from the imagined husband (who lay all the time in a cold sweat, fearing a discovery, for she thought Mrs. A — was her gallant the shopman, who laid with her every night, as she was afraid to sleep by herself; but they never spoke to each other during their amorous interviews for fear of being overheard).

"Fellow, do you think me worthy of an answer; I'll be revenged — I'll never get into bed with you again!"

Here her breast swelled so with anger that she could not utter another word.

Fortunately it was not yet light, so Sally jumped out of the bed and ran up to her gallant, to whom she imparted the whole affair.

This was the first time they had ever broken silence during their amours, and they were overheard by another maid who slept in the next room. She watched for the shopman's coming out of Sally's chamber, and made him go into hers to gratify those desires which I leave the reader to guess.

They all arose at their usual time, and Mrs. A— being informed that breakfast was ready, went downstairs into the parlour, and had just seated herself when Mr. A— entered the room, and accosted her in the following words:

Mr. A. — "Well, my dear, what do you think of me now?"

Mrs. A. — "That you are as incapable as a eunuch."

Mr. A. — "Nay, my dear, I thought you seemed so much pleased with our gambols this morning that we should have been very great friends all the day, but, alas, I find there is no satisfying a woman!"

Mrs. A. — "I'll tell you, fellow, I'll have a divorce. Not even answer me, scoundrel. Did I not make a man of you?

Had it not been for me, you would have had to carry you: cod-piece to a beggar woman ere this — whilst I know by your unnatural abstinence you have a gay woman in keeping— some painted little bitch or flaghopper. Not a civil answer, when I offer you my love? You shall repent it, sir, you old whoremonger, thus to neglect your virtuous wife" (clapping her hands in fury).

Mr. A. — "My dear, I did. As I love my money, will you have it cut off and preserved like a snake in a bottle — or do you want it twice before breakfast?"

Mrs. A. — "Your money is my money, and so ought your — to be, but you take it elsewhere, you old adulterer!"

Mr. A. — "Nay, nay, my dear, but I believe you're too loving, my jewel, as soon as breakfast is over I'll lock the door and we will—."

Mrs. A. — "Now, indeed, my dear, you speak like a man of mettle, and I forgive all that is past."

When breakfast was over he performed his promise. Madam was pleased, and harmony once more reigned in their loving abode. Sally also was equally happy in having escaped from her dangerous predicament, her fellow servant in having gotten a gallant, and the shopman two fine girls to play and toy with at his pleasure.

Moral. — "It's an ill wind that blows nobody any good."

PLEASURES AFAR.

discovery of the longitude.

A merchant of Genoa, leaving wife at home,

Kiss'd a little whore, in the town of Rome;

"You, my dear," said he, "tried full many a nation,

Then say who had the longest tool of generation?"

Said the merry girl, "Oh, that's soon decided,

You, who cross the sea, are the best provided;

What a length of tail, though the seas you roam,

Your spouses never fail, to bear you babes at home!"

MISS COOTE'S CONFESSION,

or the voluptuous experiences of an old maid;

In a series of Letters to a Lady Friend.

letter X.

My dear Nellie,—

I have found a curious letter from a lady amongst grandfather's papers, so begin this letter with a copy of it.

Dear Sir Eyre,—

We live in an age so dissolute that if young girls are not kept under some sort of restraint and punished when they deserve it, we shall see bye-and-bye nothing but women of the town, parading the streets and public places, and, God knows, there are already but too many of them!

When fair means have been used, proper corrections free from cruelty should be administered.

What punishment, and at the same time more efficacious, than birch discipline?

Physicians strongly recommend to punish children with birch for faults which appear to proceed from a heavy or indolent disposition, as nothing tends more to promote the circulation of the blood than a good rod made of new birch, and well applied to the posteriors.

I may add my own opinion that the rod is equally good in its effects on quick, excitable temperaments. With such children the sense of shame and exposure (if corrected before other children) adds greatly to the humiliation caused by the smarting strokes on their bare flesh and makes a lasting impression on their imaginative sensibilities.

The parent who uses the rod with discretion is infinitely more respected and reverenced by his children than a more indulgent one.

Birch breaks no bones, and therefore can do no great harm; the harm it does is very trifling when put in comparison with the evils which it can prevent.

I know it is pretty well used among what are called genteel people, but in that class, where it is chiefly wanted, the children are entirely left to their depraved habits, and from want of proper corrections become too often the shame of their parents.

Is it not better to chastise when she is yet young (for bad habits are generally contracted from the age of twelve to fifteen), than to see her, when grown up, taken to a house of correction for offences which a good whipping given with a birch rod might have prevented?

She is ruined body and soul by being thrown amongst the vilest possible human beings.

There are children so obstinate and of a nature so perverse that nothing but severe corrections will amend them.

I know a young widow of fashion who has three nieces and two nephews, who live with her. They are all above twelve years old, except her own daughter, who is nearly seven.

One of the girls is tolerable, but the other two as well as the two boys are exceedingly mischievous. She is indeed a strict disciplinarian, and always punishes their faults with the birch, and though she is yet quite young (not above four and twenty), she manages the children as well as any experienced schoolmistress could.

The other day the second eldest girl, who is about fourteen, told her brother she could tell him how children were made. And indeed instructed him so well that the boy, who is thirteen, a few days after took very improper liberties with a pretty young girl of fifteen, who acts in the house as a waiting-maid to the widow.