Anonymous - Pearl

My uncle was waiting for me at the inn and after thanking my travelling companions for their polite attentions, I took my uncle's arm and walked with him to his home.

My uncle kept talking all the way and enquired the name of my late companions.

I answered truthfully and he was pleased to think I had been in such good respectable society: "For," said he, "now-a-days there are so many villains about that a young girl might be ruined before she knew her danger."

I mentally resolved to act the part of an innocent girl in dear uncle's presence and also I determined to put in practice the instructions of Charley Stuart, who, being a medical student, told me many things about a woman's private parts that I did not know before. One thing he told me was to get a lump of alum and push it up in my cunny and keep it there all night. It would act as an astringent and make it as tight as a virgin's cunny. And he also advised me to use a solution of alum in water with a female syringe as often during the day as was convenient.

Dear May, I advise you to do the same. When you send a messenger to buy the alum you can say it is for a sore throat or to use in dyeing — as it is used for both those purposes. Only, dear May, let me give you a caution — don't let the piece of alum be very large, for I will tell you what a fright I had.

One night I put a lump as large as a hen's egg up my cunny and in the morning I could not get it out! It had caused such a contraction of the inside folds of my cunny that I could barely insert the tip of my finger so you may imagine my dilemma. At last I thought: "Why of course, hot water will dissolve it." So I sat over the bidet for nearly an hour and bathed my poor cunny with warm water and it gradually dissolved some of the alum, and I was none the worse for my fright.

Well, to resume, Uncle and I came at last to his house which was a bookseller's shop with rooms for residence over the shop and a milliner's shop on one side, and a dressmaker's shop on the other, while opposite was an inn called "The Royal Standard," and next door to that was a board-school for young ladies.

I mention these details because Uncle called my attention to them, saying they were all his best customers.

On arriving at Uncle's house he took me upstairs and introduced me to the housekeeper, who was going to leave to get married the following week, and I was to take her place in Uncle's household.

She took me to a comfortable bedroom, and kissing me, praised my good looks and enquired if I would like a bath after my long journey.

I replied it was the one thing I was longing for. So she opened a door leading from my bedroom and showed me the bath, saying she would be back in half-an-hour to help me dress and get ready for dinner.

Oh, May, how I enjoyed that cold bath! I splashed and dashed the water all over my naked body and took the opportunity of removing the alum Charley had considerately slipped into my cunny in the coach, for, said he, who knows how soon you may have to pass for a virgin?

I had just finished my washing and stepped out of the bath and was seated on a stool drying myself when the door opened and in came the housekeeper, Jemima, and rushing up to me, exclaimed: "Oh, Miss Susan, please stand before this pier-glass for a moment!"

I did so and found it was as tall as myself and reflected my figure as large as life.

Jemima now began to rub me with a towel, all the time praising my skin, my back, my belly, and my thighs, in such a loud voice that I began to fancy she intended someone in the next room to hear. However, I kept my thoughts to myself and only said: "Make haste, Jemima, and help me dress for I want my supper so badly."

At last she was obliged to leave off her rubbings and she brought me a clean smock and petticoat which she helped to put on. Then I sat on a low stool and drew on clean white stockings; but Jemima would help put on a new pair of garters, which fastened with a silver clasp. I was so pleased with them that I jumped up and stood before the mirror to admire my garters, and of course had to raise my smock rather high to do so.

"Those garters are a present from your uncle," said Jemima, "you will not forget to thank him presently."

"Of course I shall thank him," I said.

Jemima now put on me a very low-necked blue frock.

"And this also is your uncle's present," said she.

"Oh, what a dear, kind uncle he is! How much I love him already," I replied.

"Well," said Jemima, "now go down to supper and tell him so."

On entering the room downstairs I found supper on the table and Uncle in his dressing-gown and slippers sitting by a bright fire.

(To be continued.)

DRAWING-ROOM PASSE TEMPS.

Gent — Have you tried the new medicated paper for the water-closet?

Lady — It is so dreadfully expensive.

Gent — No, really I know a place where you can buy six packets for ten-and-sixpence.

Lady — It is so deliciously soft, I cannot think how I could have put up with old newspapers.

Gent — May I send you half a dozen?

Lady — Thanks very much.

Gent — What a very disagreeable smell, I think our vis-аvis must have farted.

Lady — No, it's that conceited thing on your left. I saw her cough behind her hand and pull her dress out.

Gent — You must forgive me but, do you know, I thought at first it was you.

Lady — Oh, you naughty satirical man.

Gent — What a troublesome complaint is piles!

Lady — Yes, poor mama and my sisters have them shockingly.

Gent — And you, come now, confess.

Lady — No, indeed, and indeed…

Gent — Not a little bit?

Lady — No, not a bit.

Gent — Do you find that your bowels act with regularity?

Lady — Quite so, thank you for your kind enquiries, I go punctually every ten days or so.

Gent — Now that is very naughty of you, you ought to go every morning.

Lady — But the seat is so dreadfully cold to sit down on in this nasty weather.

Gent — Might I warm it for you?

Lady — What would mama say?

(Here you see, the conversation is gliding into a flirtation and should be diverted unless you have honourable intentions. If you have, it may continue as follows:)

Gent — Your mama would say we were two cozy dicky birds to bolt ourselves into the water-closet.

Lady — But you would go away after you had warmed the seat, would you not, because I might make a little noise?

Gent — If it played a pretty tune I would love it.

Lady — And would you rumple the paper for me?

Gent — All day long.

Lady — For little me only and for no one else?

Gent — For no one but you would I rumple a particle of paper. Is it not extraordinary that there are no public urinals for ladies?

Lady — You men would be always standing about the doors.

Gent — But you ought to have them built like ours, you know, with the trough projecting a little further.

Lady — Butter-boat fashion, how very nice.

THE BANKRUPT BAWD.

Tune—"Vicar of Bray."

Near Jermyn Street a bawd did trade

In credit, style and splendour,

Well known to every high-bred blade,

And those of doubtful gender.

How nature once, in marring mood,

Her body formed, I'll tell ye,

Upon her back a swelling stood,

To mock her barren belly.

chorus:

For some succeed and others fail

That into commerce enter.

So few are chaste and many frail

In this great trading center.

In coney skins her commerce lay,

A charming stock she'd laid in;

She ne'er to smugglers fell a prey,

Her practice was fair trading.

These skins when dressed were red and white,

The fur of each fair creature,

Of different hues, as day and night,