Anonymous - Pearl

This made Neddy's Pego, accustomed to sprout,

Shrink into his belly, and turn up his snout.

The time this damn'd jalap in Ned's belly lurked,

No post horse like Neddy was ever so worked.

Three nights and three days he lay squirting in bed.

And neither could hold up his tail nor his head.

The storm at length ceasing, purg'd Ned 'gan to think

On some revenge sweet for this damnable stink;

"For I'm damn'd," exclaimed Ned, "if these bitches shan't find,

That I'm cabbaged before, tho' I'm loosened behind."

'Twas early one morn, exercising his steed,

Ned saw an old gipsy-hag crossing the mead.

Straight he hailed her and said: "Woman, where do you hie?"

She replied: "To tell fortunes of females hard by."

Now these females Ned found were his japlaping friends,

So he thought it the season to make them amends.

Then he brib'd for the cant and the gipsy's old clothes.

Thus equipped, said Ned: "Trick for trick: damn me, here goes!"

First Molly, the cook-maid, he took by the hand,

From her greasy palm told her what fortune had plann'd.

She was soon to be married, each year have a brat.

"Indeed," cried the cooky, "how can you tell that?"

"I'll tell you the number," said Ned, "let me see

The blue vein that's low plac'd 'twixt the navel and knee."

When she pulled up her clothes, Ned exclaimed: "I declare

Your blue vein I can't see, 'tis so cover'd with hair."

Next dairy-maid Dolly, of lechery full,

Swore she was then breeding, for she'd had the bull.

To the gipsy, said Doll: "Can you, old woman, tell,

Whether bull or cow-calf makes my belly so swell?"

When he viewed her blue vein, he said, "Doll by my troth,

You must find out two fathers, for you will have both."

For the squire and the curate, when heated with ale,

Doll Dairy had milk'd in her amorous pail.

Now Kitty the housemaid, so frisky and fair,

Who smelt none the sweeter for carrotty hair,

Presenting her palm to the gipsy so shrewd,

Was candidly told that her nature was lewd.

While feeling the vein near her gold-girded nick,

Kate played the old gipsy a slippery trick,

So that Kate, who had ne'er been consider'd a whore,

Was told she'd miscarried the morning before.

Then came Peggy the prude, who no bawdy could bear,

Yet would tickle the lap-dog while combing his hair.

"Is the butler my sweetheart," said Peggy, "sincere,

And shall we be married, pray, gipsy, this year?"

Quoth the gipsy: "You'll have him for better or worse,

But you'll find that his corkscrew is not worth a curse.

So when you are wed, 'twill be o'er the town talk'd:

There goes Peggy, a bottle, most damnably cork'd."

Now Ned, thus revenged, bid the maidens good-day,

But, curious, they ask'd him a moment to stay.

"For," said Molly the cook-maid, "we all long to see,

If you've a blue vein 'twixt the navel and knee."

Ned pull'd up his clothes, sir, when, to their surprise

They beheld his blue vein of a wonderful size.

The sight, Kate the carrotty, couldn't withstand;

She grasped the blue vein till it burst in her hand.

So alarm'd the prude Peggy fell into strong fits,

Frightened cook and Doll Dairy went out of their wits.

Then carrotty Kitty to gipsy Ned spoke:

"We'll each give a guinea to stifle the joke."

But Ned swore that no money should silence his tongue,

That the tale should be told in a mirth-moving song:

"As a caution," cry'd Ned, "to all Abigails frail

That there's more fun in f — g that jalaping ale."

The story like wildfire o'er Cambria spread,

From the borders of Chester to fam'd Holyhead.

In a vein of good humor, the vein that is blue,

Will long be remembered by me and by you;

Then fill a bright bumper to honour this vein,

A bumper of pleasure to badger all pain;

So hear us, celestials, gay mortals below!

Drink c — t, the blue vein, wherein floods of joy flow.

MY GRANDMOTHER'S TALE;

or MAY'S ACCOUNT OF HER INTRODUCTION TO THE ART OF LOVE.

From an Unsophisticated Manuscript, Found Amongst the OH Lady's Papers, After her Death, Supposed to have been written about A.D. 1797.

Nina got up and said: "And so I did keep close to Jenny and I have watched over her, and I it was who saw Mr. Boatswain's prick slip in and out of her cunt, and I have been watching her while he did it! What could be closer watching than that, Mrs. Murphy?"

"But he has promised to marry me," called out Jenny.

"Yes," said the boatswain, "I swear I will, but she must let me have a fuck every day until we are ashore."

Mrs. Murphy was obliged to give her consent as she saw the mischief was done.

All our love-matters went on in much the same manner, until at last our brig reached London docks, when we wished Jenny and the boatswain good-bye, and with Nina and our luggage, Captain Lemberg took us to the hotel, where he usually put up when he returned from his voyages.

Captain Lemberg was very kind and chose a bedroom for myself and Nina next to his own, and both opened into a parlour intended for our mutual use.

Captain Lemberg decided I should remain a week or two at the hotel with him, to rest after the voyage and to see some of the sights of London, before I went to the school. In fact he told me he did not think I need go to school until he was obliged to return to the brig, which would be a couple of months, and I told him I would prefer to obey my father's wishes. So we decided I was to go to school in a week.

My father had given me a letter to hand to Madame Stewart, the school-mistress, who lived at Hampton Court.

Captain Lemberg took us to the theatres, which pleased me extremely, also to the Tower and Monument and British Museum.

The time passed very rapidly away in seeing the wonders of London by day and the theatres in the evening, and then we had nice suppers at our hotel and Nina and I retired to our bed, soon to be followed by Captain Lemberg to continue those loving fucking matches like those on the ship.

At last the week ended and Captain Lemberg took me in a coach to Madame Stewart together with Nina, who was to continue to wait on me as lady's-maid.

We had a little fucking in the coach and at last arrived at the school, which was a large house surrounded by ornamental grounds and gardens, enclosed by high walls. The grounds sloped down to the Thames, on the banks of which, of course, there was no wall.

Madame Stewart received the Captain and myself and Nina in a large drawing-room, and I handed her my father's letter and told her Nina was my servant.

She told Nina to retire for the present to the housekeeper's room.

Madame was a fine-looking woman of about fifty, with dark hair and eyes and a fine bust.

After reading the letter she kissed me and said she was acquainted with my father many years before and would try to make me happy, provided I obeyed the rules of her establishment.

Captain Lemberg then paid her Ј100 for one year's fees in advance and asked for a receipt.

Madame asked him to step into the next room with her as she kept her writing materials there, and she wished to ask him a few questions in private.

So pouring me out a glass of wine and giving me some cake and a book of pictures, they withdrew into the next room and shut the door.

You may be sure my eye was at the keyhole in a moment and I saw that the Captain had pulled out his prick! And I heard him say:

"Madame, I am entitled to the usual commission for bringing you a new pupil and I will take it in dog-fashion."

"Hush!" said Madame, "or the young lady will hear you."

"Nonsense — now get down on all fours so as not to derange your dress."