Mike Phillips - The many tongues of love

I found myself sneaking out at night "for an ice cream cone", or "I'm going for a drive, just want to be alone", and almost always they would find out it was a lie. I'd meet Madeline – who had to go through the same shit in her house – and we'd do it in the bushes at the far end of her house if we were in a hurry, or we'd do it in my car on a deserted street if we had time.

I remember those days – man, how exciting! We'd drive along Beverly Drive till we'd find a dark spot and we'd pull into a driveway – always made sure we picked a house with the lights off – and park there. That way the police – and in Beverly Hills they're incredible; they patrol every damn ten minutes! – wouldn't question the car parked on the street so late.

Madeline would lift her skirt and I'd sink my head into her lap. My tongue was expert now, pushing her hairycunt lips apart, sliding way up her vagina. She ran her fingers through my hair and undulated her hips, moving them back and forth as I tongue-fucked her silly!

Then I'd pull my cock out – I never wore underpants when we went out – and put my legs over hers. She'd bend down and take the head in her lips – she always started like that, slowly, working steadily toward a smash finish! She would hold the glans in her lips, driving me crazy with her tongue, opening the slit, rubbing around the hard ridge. Then her lips would descend the length, slowly, carefully, making it wet and tingling with excitement.

Finally she'd just suck, giving me the best blow jobs in the world. She banged her head up and down on my dick as I moaned and sighed and begged her to keep sucking. She never let me down. I always ended with a tremendous orgasm which filled her mouth to the hilt.

Once – I just remembered this – I had a good hard on and I had to piss but I was too excited from all the sucking we had been doing, that I was, at the same time, on the brink of orgasm. All of a sudden, as I was trying to make some urine fan from cock since she was begging me for it, I came sensation was strange because it happened together – urine was coming out of my cock, and so was come. I was feeling myself pissing and coming at the same moment, and the semen mixed with the piss to become very watery. Madeline went nutty, lapped it all up and told me I was some kind of genius.

But Mother hated her, and at the end of the summer when Madeline went off to school, Mother was happy again. She was worried, but more than that she was jealous. I had a beautiful body, and girls wanted it and she was jealous of that. I guess she wanted to be the only woman in my life – maybe even in my bed, although I don't think this was ever a conscious thought on her part.

One day I happened to be swimming nude because I was hoping Madeline was going to come over and I liked the feeling of the hot sun on my nuts and my ass and I was used to it already. I was splashing around in the water when I happened to look up at the sliding glass patio door. Mother was standing in the family room, staring at me. I wondered how long she had been there. I waved, trying to act very natural about it – after all she was my mother! She had seen my cock more than anyone in the world! But it was different now, it was big, bigger than her husband's, perhaps bigger than any man's that she had ever seen, and I think it startled her and gave her a feeling of what she may have missed in life.

After that day I never again went naked in front of her, but often, when I had my swimming trunks on or walked through the house in my undershorts, she would take a good hard glance at my full crotch.

"I told you my mother was fucked up! She was possessive and jealous, clawing at me, wanting to hold onto me and be my mother and lover at the same time. I needed a girl friend, and I was determined to find one. Instead, it almost was the end of me!"

Carey comes from a middle-class Jewish family. He is an only child, and like so many other only children, he is dominated and smothered by his mother's love.

It has been said that such overprotection and excess of maternal fear over the child's well-being is a uniquely Jewish characteristic. However, in reality, it is a universal trait of normal motherhood. Originally, there is a unity between mother and child. It is a sort of carry-over from the prenatal situation and represents one of the two greatest tasks for the mother. Roheim calls this early mother-child relationship the "dual-unity situation". The second great task of motherhood is to dissolve the dual-unity situation harmoniously. It is true that when the umbilical cord is cut, there occurs a sort of reorganization of the bodily functions in both mother and child. Physically, the direct phase of the mutual interdependence between mother and child is ended with the birth of the child and the expulsion of the placenta from the mother's body. With the advent of the resultant new dependency relationship, however, comes a very strong maternal-filial tie between mother and child on the emotional level. Helene Deutsch describes this as a "psychic umbilical cord".

In his New Introductory Lectures on Psychoanalysis, Freud also recognizes this unique unity between mother and child. He has this to say about it:

The only thing that brings a mother undiluted satisfaction is her relation to a son; it is quite the most complete relationship between human beings and the one that is the most free of ambivalence.

However, prolonged continuation of this situation will lead to maternal overprotection. This overprotecttiveness is in the last analysis, a defense mechanism on the part of the mother to avoid separation. This defense springs from a deep-rooted fear of loss.

Carey's whole life pattern is witness to the strong overprotection exerted by his mother. Normally, the father adds an element into the mother-child unity situation which discourages it from becoming overly prolonged and excessive. Unfortunately for Carey, his father is a very weak man, and quite passive in his role as head of the household, at least with respect to Carey. He is almost the stereotype of the middle-class American man which has contributed to – or is the result of – the development of the United States as a matriarchy.

Typically, we would expect Carey's bisexual nature to be accentuated. Freud, in his analysis of Leonardo da Vinci, points out:

In all our male homosexual cases, the subjects had a very intense erotic attachment to a female person, as a rule their mother… this attachment was evoked or encouraged by too much tenderness on the part of the mother herself, and further reinforced by the small part played by the father during their childhood.

The individual becomes homosexual because a phylogenetic fear of incest makes him identify with his mother in order to diminish her role as his love-object. Thus he would develop feminine characteristics in relation to his sexual objects, seeking for a love relationship, someone like himself (as his mother has) in whose likeness he chooses the new object of his love.

This would have definitely happened to Carey, had he ever reached the genital level of development. He has, however, an even stronger identification with his mother than would the homosexual. Carey is fixated at the oral level of development. He uses, as his method of defense against his desire for his mother, introjection, and has incorporated his mother's personality as his own. It was as though Carey's father had no effect upon Carey at all. Before the incest inhibition even developed in him, Carey had incorporated his mother's personality, as he did her milk. The mother he sees, however, is one who denies him her breast and castrates his father as well. Thus Carey hates both his mother and father, and the result is that he is incapable of having an affectionate relationship. Love does not mean anything to him.