J Long: The town sluts

Second, another man had mysteriously called him and told him that a woman's body could be found beneath a pile of wrenches. Then there had been the sound of a gunshot coining over the phone and the man's rasping voice mumbling: "M-My c-cock'll never be… the same."

Third, the people of Weedley were getting a mite concerned that Ramona Rathers had not been seen jogging, or showing her titties on TV, or attending the Thursday-night meetings of Help Stamp Out Rape.

Fourth, somebody in the personnel department of the Rathers Wrench Company had informed him that a secretary named Becky Jane Johnson had disappeared and they were wondering where they should send her group insurance form.

The key, Delbert realized, to solving the above-mentioned mysteries was finding Eula Peters Mosher.

Delbert had located the pile of discarded wrenches in the Rathers Wrench Company stockyard. It had taken him fourteen hours to remove each ten-ounce wrench until he found what he was looking for.

At first, he thought that it was a statue of Ethel Rosenburg as she sat in the electric chair. But Delbert was smart enough to know that they wouldn't dare let a sculptor into the death chamber to do a sketch of someone dying.

Approaching the scattered wrench pile from upwind, Delbert confirmed that the victim was Eula Peters Mosher. Of course, he had had to remove the panties from her head to make sure, but once he saw the ecstatic expression frozen on her face, it sure matched the color portrait that Kirby Mosher had given him – the one where Eula was strapped to a deck chair smiling ecstatically while she held a fishing pole.

Thus, Delbert had found the missing wife.

And finding Eula Mosher in her condition made him think that she had been murdered. He had naturally suspected suicide at first. But then he realized that no woman could dump a forklift full of ten-ounce wrenches on herself and still have time to strap herself into a chair before the first wrench hit her – nah, it was impossible. Besides, Delbert had gone over her employment record. Nowhere had she been listed as a forklift operator.

No, he suspected foul play.

The next clue proved to be the Rathers' maid. She had discovered Mr. Rathers in an upstairs bedroom with a bullet hole in his head and his hand on his very unusual cock.

When Delbert examined the body, things began to clear up. Delbert declared Mr. Rathers a victim of suicide.

As for Mrs. Rathers' whereabouts, Delbert figured that one out very fast. He had rounded up every acquaintance of hers and grilled them hard. Turned out she was leading a double life as far as he could tell.

And it was now obvious to Delbert that Ramona was the cause of her husband's suicide. That was the reason why he had self-immolated his cock – the victim had wanted to leave a clue as to what was afoul with his marriage. Delbert figured that what was afoul with the Rathers' marriage was sexual incompatibility.

Then Delbert had put two and two together. If Ramona had driven her husband to suicide, he had probably murdered Eula Mosher.

Simple deduction. Logical. Elementary.

First, Delbert could see Mr. Rathers, who had discovered that his cock was sexually incompatible with Mrs. Rathers, trying to prove his masculinity with other women. Somehow Mr. Rathers had allowed himself to be lured into a very nasty set-up seduction scheme concocted by Ramona Rathers and Eula Mosher, who undoubtedly were in cahoots. Eula, after the seduction of Mr. Rathers had taken place, would then scream rape and Mr. Rathers would then be ruined, and Ramona would have to divorce him on the grounds of adultery – which in the eyes of high society, was a lesser offense than sexual incompatibility.

Yes, it was all diabolical. Too diabolical to be true.

But the conclusive proof, the icing on the cake, was Mrs. Rathers and Mr. Rathers' secretary being missing at the same time.

Delbert had figured that Ramona was the type of sinister woman who would protect herself from any kind of double-cross scheme that Eula might pull in cahoots with Mr. Rathers instead of vice versa. So Ramona had encouraged Mr. Rathers' secretary to eavesdrop on the Eula Mosher/Wendell Rathers seduction scene.

And when the secretary saw a murder taking place instead of a planned seduction, she had gotten back to Ramona with the bad news. There was only one thing the sinister woman and the eavesdropping secretary could do. Make a run for it, go into hiding.

So, that's where Delbert was now as he summed things up for Kirby Mosher.

Kirby scratched his head. "Huh?"

"Don't worry, Mr. Mosher. The real murderer of your missing wife is Ramona Rathers and that evil bitch Becky Jane Johnson. Well, I've got to go now, police work never stops until evil does. And don't you worry none about them getting caught. I'm going to chase them if I have to go to hell and back."

Bang. Sock. Bang.

Collie smiled slowly. He smiled because Buster-boy looked like a million dollars as he beat the shit out of those patched-up punching bags.

Biff. Pop. Biff.

God! Look at those muscles ripple!

"Go… get em… k-killer!" Collie rasped slowly.

Buster slammed and punched, another left-right, left right. Then he shadow-boxed to the far end of the gym. Started in on the second punching bag as if it had only been a detour on the road to glory.

Buster heaved and wheezed. Shit, he sure had to hand it to old Collie. Gotta be the best trainer in the world. Still, who else would have come up with the idea of working out on two, punching bags.

And what inspiring words Collie had painted on the punching bags.

Kill! Kill! Kill!

Buster grunted. Left-right. Left-right.

Biff. Sock. Pop.

Rrrrriiiiipppppp!

Drip. Drip. Drip.