Dorsai: Friends and Lovers

"It isn't?"

"Nope. What most people call 'love' is really several different things. For almost all of them, love is mostly physical, and a little bit emotional: they see somebody they think is attractive, and as they get to know that person, they start getting stuff back from the other person that makes them feel good, and that's about as far as it goes for them. When the physical part isn't like what it was, or they aren't getting the stuff back that they want, the love goes away. There are SOME people that do that, too, but they also include some of what they know about what goes on in the other person's mind – how they think, and what they know, and like that. For those people, because there's more TO their love, it lasts longer; if they get the proportions close enough, maybe it lasts a long time -" but they still don't STAY 'in love'."

Nadia asked "What does your mom teach that's different, then?"

"Mom tries to get the kids in her class to understand that love isn't something that just kinda happens, and that they can actually make it last as long as they want it to if they choose to make that happen."

"How can you choose to make love happen that long?"

"Like I said, I might not be explaining this right, but here goes – How much you love someone, even if it's yourself, is kind of like the receipt you get at a grocery store, where the love is the total of everything else. Just like you go to the store and don't just buy vegetables or dairy, how much love you feel isn't just the physical and emotional stuff you get from someone. If you go to the grocery store and buy all the stuff you need, you'll have vegetables and meat and milk and cheese and bread and cookies and crackers and soup and dessert and all kinds of different stuff -" and the total on the receipt will be way bigger."

Nadia nodded her head that she was following what Janet was saying, and Sis continued "Okay, what's different for me and Danny is that we do that with other people _on purpose_‹nowiki›; we choose to look at what people are like harder and deeper than almost anybody else does. By doing that, it's the same way about loving someone -" you can't just go in the grocery store and only fill up the basket while you go down one or two aisles, right? To really ‹/nowiki›*love* someone, you've got to get stuff from ALL the aisles in that person: courage, and honesty, and smart, and funny, and gentle, and strong in their heart, and anything else that's important to you. And just like you look at what's inside the package at the store, and compare prices, you have to do the same thing with people -" maybe the other person isn't as smart as you'd like, but that's okay because they're funny enough, and that's more important to you. So when you put their smart and funny and everything in your basket, you know the total by how much you love them."

Nadia sat there and blinked at us a few times before saying "It sounds simple enough, I guess. But love isn't just about one person feeling that way about another; it has to go both ways if it's going to work, doesn't it?"

Janet smiled and said "Of course it does. Just like you're shopping in the other person to see if they have the things that you want, they're shopping in you, looking for sexy or pretty or affectionate or whatever, and looking at their receipt – how much they love you. If you really think about it, love is something that people trade with each other."

Nadia indicated that she understood, and Sis went on "Here's the part that Mom said is the hardest for people to understand and do: you have to be*absolutely honest* about yourself, so you know what's good about yourself and what you could maybe make better, and absolutely honest about what's in the other person -" and then decide if what you're getting from them and what you're giving to them are worth the same. I know how kind and gentle and brave and everything Danny is, and I give my love to him for those things because they're important to me. Sure, he's cute enough, and has a strong body, and that kind of stuff; but he isn't always going to look like he does. But as long as he's the way he is in his heart and in his mind, I'll love him."

I spoke up then, telling Nadia "And I love Sis because I know how smart and affectionate and patient and understanding she is -" among a whole lot of other things that I like about her. I think she's a babe, but that's just my good luck; I'd still love her even if she didn't look anywhere near as good as she does, because I know what kind of person she is, inside."

Janet went on to tell her "That's how Danny and I could love each other so much that we gave each other our virginity, and why we love each other enough to be happy if the other one finds someone special to them. Something that Dad says is that love is when somebody else's happiness means as much to you as your own. That's how much I love Danny -" when he finds another girl he likes, I'll be happy for him because he'll be happy. Remember, I know Danny, and what kind of person he'd like -" he tells me that he loves ME, and why, so I know that if there's a girl he likes, it'll be because he sees good things in her, too; so I'll be happy for him because he found another good person to be with."

Several seconds ticked by before Nadia hesitantly asked Janet "You said that you weren't upset that he had enough love in him to make me feel good, too – is – is that really what he felt?"

Grinning, Janet told her "I'd be willing to bet money on it, but if you want to know for sure, then ask him."

Facing me, Nadia wanted to know "Did you really love me, Danny?"

I smiled and gave the tip of her nose a kiss before answering "Yes, I loved you. Still do, if that helps any."

Unsurely, Nadia asked "You – love me? Why? You hardly knew me before tonight -"

Shifting myself around so that we were fully facing each other, I cupped Nadia's face in my hands as I told her "Yes, I love you. I don't think that we should be making wedding plans just yet, but I love you." After moving my hands to my lap, I continued by telling her "As for why – No, we didn't know each other very well before. But what I*did* know about you was good. You try to get people to not gossip about others. You're one of the first to introduce yourself to a new person. You're smart enough to get good grades. When a bunch of people started talking bad about Ophelia last semester, you were one of the few people that was willing to stay friends with her until everybody found out that one of the other girls was just mad and jealous and started the rumor. You don't do what everyone else is just because it's 'popular'. And like I said, you're pretty, and sexy. So I liked you -" you could even say loved you, a little bit -" before tonight, because what I knew about you was good things that are important to me. Then, tonight, you showed me that you were brave by letting me look at you naked, and asking if it was okay for you to look at me, so you could learn something you didn't know before. When we started kissing and touching, I found out that you're affectionate and gentle; after that, I learned that you're passionate, too. So because I got the chance to discover that there's even more good stuff in you, I love you even more than I did before. I don't think you realized you were doing it, but while you were learning what kind of person I am, you started loving me more, too. Otherwise, why would you have let us do the things we did?"

Nadia sat there looking at me for several seconds before quietly announcing "Damn. You're right – I did decide it was okay for us to do all of that once I realized that you were as nice and patient as you are, and that I liked it, and you. And I see what you mean about liking or caring about someone being another way of saying you love them. You're right that I do love you, too -" not to get married or anything, but still liking you and caring about you."