Anonymous - The Oyster, Volume III

' “As they were disappearing into the brushwood I fired at one of the hindermost-a male, as I imagined. In an instant the herd wheeled about, and with a terrific rush came crashing through the bushes nearly in a direct line towards me. But after running for about sixty or seventy paces they stopped short, evidently annoyed at not finding the enemy. '“I felt very much inclined to take to my heels, but a moment's reflection convinced me that safety lay only in keeping close; and it was as well I did so for in a few moments the paterfamilias made an oblique rush through the jungle with such force as to actually send a whole tree that he had uprooted in his headlong course spinning in the air. A huge branch remained fixed to one of his tusks. His head he carried aloft, his huge ears were spread to the full, while with his trunk he sniffed the air impatiently. In this position, and when within less than a dozen paces of me he remained, I should say, for about half a minute. I think it was the most striking and thrilling sporting scene that I ever saw… '“I have shot many giraffes, gnus, hartebeests besides elephants but I make a point of not destroying unless absolutely in want of meat to feed either my party or the hundreds of poor devils constantly following my track.'”

“Well, that sounds very exciting, doesn't it, lads? said Father, folding the newspaper and putting it down on the table. 'I don't like the idea of killing for sport,' I said. 'Neither do I,' said Cecil. 'I am glad that Mr. Andersson only shot those poor animals for food and not simply wantonly as do so many hunters.' 'I am in agreement with you, boys,' said Mother. 'Your sentiments certainly do you proud.' 'Yes, I would not disagree with that,' said Father.

'Anyhow, the reason that I read that passage to you is that Jumbo the elephant is at the London Zoological Gardens in Regent's Park just now and I thought that we would take a train up to town and see him. Would you like to go? What a splendid treat lay in store, I thought, as Cecil and I chorused our assent. But Mother declined the invitation as she was due to take tea that afternoon with the squire's wife, Lady Le Baique, and felt it would be impolite to cancel the arrangement at such short notice. 'But you three men must go!' said Mother kindly. 'I will go another time and anyhow, your Papa and I saw Jumbo last year when we went up to town for Lord Bourne's Autumn Ball.'

'Very well, my dear, I will call young Owen to take us to the railway station so as we can catch the noon train. It so happens that I want to see my old friend Sir Lionel Trapes who lives nearby in St John's Wood so I shall be able, if you will forgive the perhaps inappropriate colloquialism, to kill two birds with one stone.'

We travelled up to town on the good old London, Brighton and South Coast Railway and the train pulled into Victoria Station within a minute of its scheduled time of arrival. We disembarked and strode up the station platform to the cab rank. We were waiting in a fairly long queue when Father suddenly snapped his fingers and grimaced.

'Boys, I have just remembered that I promised to undertake a chore for Sir Lionel which will necessitate my leaving you to visit the Zoo by yourselves,' said Father. 'I promised to pick up a book for him, some learned text or other that has been ordered especially for him from the Continent. The bookseller promised it would be ready for collection today so I wrote to my friend and said that I would collect it and save him a journey or the cost of postage.

'So here are two sovereigns, Cecil. You and Teddy can take a cab directly to the Zoo. I think it best if you meet me at Sir Lionel's this afternoon. In case you have forgotten his address, here is his card. Be there by five o'clock. I will have to see Jumbo another time.

And perhaps I will be able to take your mother with me,' he concluded.

The day was turning into a great adventure indeed. We waited with Father for our separate cabs and he warned us of the dangers of pickpockets who lurk round railway stations and any large gathering of people. 'You can sometimes tell the thieves by an unrest about them, for they seldom journey on a train,' explained Father. 'They hang around the ticket offices or queues like this. When they see people engaged in conversation they go up to them and plant themselves by their side while the others cover their movements. Then one might pretend to bump into the victim and extract his wallet, for these thieves have very quick fingers. So be warned, and keep an eye out for your money and your pocket-watch.' With those words, Father climbed into a cab and fortunately a second cab soon appeared and Cecil and I were off to the Zoo. 'I say, Cecil, what sort of book is Father getting for Sir Lionel? 'Something he'd never let us see, like French postcards or a copy of the Cremorne?' said Cecil.

'Did you know that Sir Lionel's nephew is in my form at school? And from what young Daley tells me, old Sir Lionel's a bit of a sportsman.

He belongs to the Jim-Jam Club in Great Windmill Street. Now that's run by Major Ferguson, whose nephew is also in the Lower Sixth at Cockshall Manor. And Scott Ferguson told the prefects that all the London swells go there to fuck, if you know what that means.' 'Of course I know what that means!' I cried indignantly. 'Why, I've already fucked two girls myself this summer.' 'Gosh, have you really? One of them must be Alice. No, no, no, you must not tell me, Teddy, for a gentleman never ever reveals the names of girls he has fucked unless he has caught a dose of clap from them. And then, in that case, it is his bounden duty to inform his friends. Still, good luck to you, little brother. I didn't think you could even manage a cockstand yet,' smiled Cecil. 'However, I don't suppose you would be interested in having a fuck at a rather special private club I know.

After all, I'm sure you would much prefer to see the animals at the Zoo.' 'Don't tease me, Cecil,' I said. 'You know bloody well that I would give up my house cricket colours for the chance of another fuck. But Father has always warned us against loose women. Won't we be risking catching some awful pox?” 'Father is quite right. You must never pick up a woman in the street. But the girls at the private clubs cater exclusively for gentlemen and they are checked every so often for any problems. Don't worry, Teddy, your cock and balls are quite safe at Maison Alfred's.' 'Well, I'm game if you really mean it. But how about lucre? We've only got Father's two sovereigns between us and we'll want some tea and then we'll need another cab to be at Sir Lionel's by, five o'clock, won't we?' 'No problem, young brother. I've five pounds here that Father's cousin, Doctor Arkley, gave me for coming first in the Public Schools' cross-country race last April. I can't think of a better use for the cash than to spend it on two lovely girls, a slap up spread and a magnum of bubbly, can you?* Cecil instructed the driver to change his route though, as it happens, Maison Alfred's was not all that far away from the Zoological Gardens, being situated at the north end of Marylebone High Street. The club was in a private house and Cecil gave five sharp raps on the door with the heavy brass lion's head knocker.

'That's a signal known only to club members,' he told me.

The door was opened by a rather stout maitre d'hotel, who asked Cecil for his membership card which he fished out of his waistcoat pocket. 'I'll sign in my brother,' said Cecil breezily. 'I regret that the minimum age for entry is sixteen, Mr. Parsifal,' intoned the attendant. 'Well, young Teddy's sixteen, Soames.'

'He looks far younger, sir. We would require proof of his age.

Have either of you any such proof?' 'How about this?' said Cecil, slipping a sovereign into the man's hand. 'That will do nicely,' said Soames happily. 'May I recommend the Chelsea Room on the first floor. Polly and Sophie are awaiting custom.' 'Excellent, excellent. Send up a cold collation with a magnum of fizz in as soon as possible. Look, Soames, I'll leave five pounds here, that should cover it and leave a fair old tip for you, right?' 'You're very generous, Mister Parsifal,' murmured the servant as Cecil led the way up to our salon. He tapped on the door and opened it. I peered from behind him and saw an exquisitely furnished room that had a small table near the windows which overlooked Marylebone High Street and two couches drawn up near the fireplace though naturally at the height of a warm summer's day, the fires had not yet been lit. And sitting on one of the couches were two of the prettiest girls I have ever seen in my life. One was slender and of medium height of no more than at most eighteen years of age with a merry little face which was sheer perfection. Her chin was charmingly dimpled, her lips, full and pouting, slightly open, gave just a glimpse of two rows of ivory that appeared set in the deep rosy flesh of her small and elegant mouth.