Norman Singer - The Hungry Husband

"Try it, sweetie, and I'll send this tape of our performance to the Vice Squad!"

"What tape?"

"Look under your bed and see the empty recorder."

There was silence for a moment and he knew she was searching under the bed, after which ensued another series of sputtering screams and violent new kicks at the door.

"I'll also send the Police your address," he said, "and briefly mention your line of work, which they can easily verify when they see the stag-film you just made, with my face carefully edited out of the whole picture, naturally…"

David went out and slammed the door. But could still hear her agonizing wails as he walked down the hall…

"That's my Goddamned money!.. oh help me, someone…! Help me… I've been robbed! Sonsa-bitchin' thieves… Come back here with… my… money!"

That Valerie! She sure was a sore loser.

David Fortune drove home slowly, thoughtfully, beginning to wonder which had come first, his thorough disenchantment with the life of a stud-hustler, or his growing failure to cope with the pressures it brought to his bodily fluids. It was no work for a man, despite the fast monetary rewards. Luckily, it had all happened before his ninety days of grace ran out, so Montclair hadn't yet set the wheels of his destruction in motion.

He didn't suppose he'd ever go back to All-Planet Insurance after all he'd said to the old guy, but perhaps he could let Montclair know he was eager for another similar position, even making use of those references he'd offered when applying for a new job. What else could he do?

Pensively, David supposed his dull little world and sweet mediocre wife were still intact after all. Nothing had really changed in that bulwark of domesticity he called home, so he'd lost nothing-except his pride, his virility-at least temporarily-and his peace of mind. But would he ever be able to block out all that feverish imagery that was now locked so indelibly in his mind? Ever forget that exquisite insidious dragon-lady who showed him the ropes? Bye-bye, Valerie, and bang-bang, Valerie… Because I'll be wagging myself to the horny tune of you for the rest of my life…

When he got home he was relieved to see that Linda was away for the afternoon so he could nap and recover. Then at dinner that night David was confronted with a brand new shock: he really saw his wife for the first time in months. She'd been wearing her clothes quite loose for several weeks, so as not to show, wanting to put off that eventual sticky discussion with her husband. But with one gaping glance, David suddenly knew.

Now the dregs of remorse truly flooded in on this boy as he wracked himself over the coals of guilt, wondering how he'd ever be worthy of the bravest, noblest little woman of them all! Good God!.. All these weeks while he was becoming a whore, she was becoming a mother! How could he ever face her and make himself forget all he'd done to destroy their future, while she was giving her life's blood to build up their little family and enrich all their horizons? He thought of all the dirt he'd just stepped out of coupled with the sweet path of diapers and baby-talcum that stretched ahead for her, and he felt he could die with his shame.

Later, when the children were asleep, he went quietly to her side and gave her cheek a kiss. "Oh honey, I'm on to your little secret now… why didn't you tell me? Did you think I'd be angry?"

"Hmmm?… What, what… who… how?" Linda went so alert for danger that she twitched a little. He knows, she thought-this is it! I'll leave town… Change my name…!

"I mean, accidents will happen," he said, grinning down at her.

Linda sighed and wanted to cross herself. "Oh… yes, David… yes, that's exactly how it happened. Even modern contraception can slip out… up!.. I mean slip up now and then, and I know we agreed not to have any more children…"

"Now Linda, stop apologizing!" he said, comrade-fingers at her cheek and chucking. "I'm glad, and I want you to know that. You don't know how proud you've made me, and how… Well, how exhilarated and happy I feel. Gosh, I can't wait to hold the little fella in my arms!"

The next day David went into San Francisco and had a brief interview with his father-in-law, who seemed happy-as-a-bride to see him. The old man wouldn't hear of his working for another insurance firm, now that he was so willing to return to the fold. "With your tail between your legs, my boy?" Wilbur inquired with a gloating eagerness.

"With my tail right where it fits the most, Sir," David replied. "At home."

"Splendid, then we'll see to it that you get a new and exalted post, not to mention a raise, which, of course, I've just mentioned, haven't I?"

David waited while Montclair made out a generous check for him, a salary-advance. Then this jubilant gentleman almost danced as he escorted his resurrected son-in-law to the door. "Glad to have you back with your nose to the grindstone, my boy, right where it belongs!" And David winced a little as Wilbur slapped him a squeezing hard thump on his used-up posterior. "Naughty boy! Been dipping down into the fleshpots, eh? Oh David, how often I thought of you during the Christmas party! Missed you, you scallawag!"

"Well, I missed you too, Mr. Montclair… I just wasn't myself…"

"Call me 'Dad' now, son."

"All right…" David grinned sheepishly at him, "Dad…"

Dad gave him a last paternally hot flank-pinch and told him to: "Hang in there, Tiger, we need you on our team!"

That day David drove home to safety and rejuvenation, thinking: oh golly, what a lucky young average rich suburban husband am I! At the brink of insanity itself I've found that the opiate of mindless conformity is still mine. Oh, it's quite true I'm being bought, sealed and delivered once again, but what a comfort not to have to go to strangers for that any more.

And the bonus? Brand new fruit-of-his-loins, new image growing immaculately in that incubator-chapel of Linda's belly. Last chance to perpetuate the surviving good in him, and exonerate.

For several months everything reverted to normal for Mr. and Mrs. David Fortune of Hillsborough. David was given a more responsible position at All-Plant Insurance, and would soon be earning forty thousand a year, instead of the measly twenty-five thousand he'd been pulling in before his fall from valor and inhibition. Montclair seemed impressed with the boy's staunch victory in his battle with the devil, although David suspected the old boy could do with a bit of guidance himself. While watching his goatish employer slap the rumps of both office-boys and secretaries, David wondered if there mightn't have been a Valerie Hudson in his life at one time. Or at least half a Hazel-Harry?

At home, too, the pattern snapped back to its treadmill of rigid sobriety, with their Sunday evening sex-skirmish as comfortably premeditated as ever. Having been over-rehearsed for years, Linda and David each did their "let's get convivial" bit, both afraid to let loose and show the other how many exotic new twists and tricks had been added to their repertoire. This sort of "opening-up" process was reserved strictly for strangers; for after all, as husband and wife their most important obligation was to remain good friends, and everybody knows that in passion lie all the seeds of hate. Neither of them had managed to retain any respect for the lovers they'd unearthed during their bacchanals, and such a flagrant lack of mutual esteem could never work in the home. Consequently, in bed this beautiful young couple continued to cool it, for the roles they'd sworn to enact were far too solemn for them to start enjoying their intercourse like a couple of loose-limbed pagans.

There was David's conscience, of course, which was still lodged thickly in his libido, although, for a while he tried desperately not to recognize this truth. However, even if he hadn't failed so miserably at the Prince of Vice, he would surely have taken the pledge anyway, after discovering that Linda was pregnant. If a philandering husband needed an Act of God to make him see the light, that was the act to do it. How shoddy and contrite David felt, to think that a part of him had been growing within her while he'd been out subverting his morals among strangers. To atone for this betrayal he would now devote his whole life to making her placid.