Claire Thompson - Tracy in chains

Tracy realized, as she sat demurely, looking out the window, that she had just betrayed her husband. She hadn't done it in words or deeds, but in some secret essence of herself. She was about to embark on a journey from which there would be no return, and on some level, in some part of her that she didn't have the courage to confront yet, she knew it.

It was five o'clock the next evening, and Kyle hadn't come home yet. The first thing Tracy did when she got home was log on to her computer and go to the BDSM Palace. Looking around, she didn't see any evidence that Sir Stephen was logged on. Darn! Her disappointment was keen, but she at least could check out his profile. "Sir Stephen," she typed, in the profile library, and it took her to:

Nickname: Sir Stephen

Desire: To find a submissive female with whom to explore the romantic world of complete submission and control. When I find her, I want to own her completely – mind, body and soul. I want a real life lover who is willing and eager to give herself completely to me. And I in turn would give myself completely to her.

Experience: I have read widely on the subject, and explored my own deep-seated dominant impulses and desires. I have had many discussions and shared hopes and dreams online and through email. In 'real life' I have had a few mostly unsatisfactory liaisons with submissive women, but the romantic connection I deem essential wasn't there.

Availability: I have just ended a seven-year relationship with a lovely woman who, sadly, isn't the woman of my dreams. I am, as they say, as free as a bird. I'm happy to just explore with you online, through email and telephone and perhaps, eventually, in person. I am most emphatically NOT looking for one night stands, so please don't bother if that's your intention.

Stats: Male, age 35, single, 6'1", 190 lbs.

Tracy read the profile several times, liking him more each time she read it. "The romantic world of complete submission and control."What a lovely way to describe it. What had always been secretly 'dirty' to Tracy, was being described as romantic by this man. And, "…I in turn would give myself completely to her."Another novel, but very appealing idea to Tracy.

Much of what she read in the these past few weeks on the site, talked extensively about the submissive's 'duty' to submit, and what her role and place were, and how she was to fulfill that role. There was much talk about the role of the Dom, and his responsibility to care for and control his sub. Tracy found it all very exciting on a primordial level.

There was very little discussion about the reciprocal nature of it all, about trust and the Dom giving of himself in return. After all, wasn't Sir Stephen talking about a love affair? That's what seemed to be missing in much of the writing – the aspect of love.

Maybe that was appropriate for what many of these people were seeking. They weren't necessarily seeking love at all, but variety of experience, and the excitement of 'taking' what you wanted, or of having it 'forced' from you.

And what did Tracy want? Surely she wasn't seeking love! She had love here at home, with Kyle. Didn't she? An aching loneliness welled up within her, as she admitted without words, that something was terribly wrong. From the beginning, she had craved the mutual 'giving of self' with Kyle, that Sir Stephen referred to. She wanted it so badly, that perhaps some part of her allowed herself to think she had it, just because she wanted it.

Are our powers of denial and invention really so strong as to carry us, convinced for years, that we were deeply in love, when in fact we were not, and never had been? No! Tracy chided herself, at her disloyalty to her husband and her marriage.

She couldn't help thinking, if we are so in love, why do we spend so much time apart, and when we are together, we sit at separate computers and type our secrets and our dreams to other people? And if I feel so lonely, does Kyle feel that way too?

Tracy was just promising herself to try and connect with Kyle tonight, to reallytalk to him, when Sir Stephen whispered, "Hi there!" All thoughts of her own troubled marriage vanished in the cyber-ether.

"Hi!" she typed eagerly.

"I'm so glad I found you again! You just sort of disappeared the other day."

"Oh, yes. I'm sorry, I had to go suddenly." She didn't say, 'My husband was looking over my shoulder.' She hadn't told him she was married. What a serious omission, she thought, and yet, not one she was ready to correct.

"I was just reading your profile."

"And?"

"I liked it." Tracy flushed slightly, glad he couldn't see her.

"What did you like?"

Tracy thought a moment. He was testing her, right? He was 'interviewing' her to see if she was a good candidate. She felt suddenly uncomfortable, challenged.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, did you think I was a total moron, or would you, maybe, like to get to know me a little?" Tracy laughed out loud, relieved, and mentally chided herself for judging him so quickly.

"Oh no! It was great. I mean, I thought it was really insightful. I liked your ideas about romance. About it being romantic and all."

"Yes, to me that's a given. I know that isn't always the case, especially on this board. But you have to remember, this is mostly kids out to get their rocks off. Don't imagine most of the people here are over 20, or that they want to find anything meaningful. They're here to flirt with each other, and with the idea of whips and chains, and Great Danes. Of 'perversion' as they perceive it, and how exciting and cool they are to be dabbling in it. A game. Which isn't a bad thing, but it isn't what I'm about."

If any tests were being given, Tracy was giving them, and Sir Stephen was passing with flying colors, oh my, yes. She loved the way he wrote, and what he was saying. He sounded so grown up and sexy. His quiet sureness of his convictions made him very sexy indeed. After several days online of her own silly flirtations, the very thing he was describing, it was so refreshing to 'talk' to someone who seemed to be thoughtful and have a brain in his head.

She said as much to Sir Stephen, who seemed delighted with her. He kept asking her for her opinion, and how she felt about things. Was this only pretense, or did he really care? She realized with some sadness that Kyle rarely asked her opinion about anything. They did it his way, period. It bothered Tracy sometimes, but for the most part, she was content to go along, since from their early relationship, the two of them had somehow tacitly agreed that Kyle was 'the smart one' and the dominant force in their relationship.

Tracy thought back to one of her favorite stories by Carson McCullers -The Ballad of the Sad Cafe, where the author talked about most relationships being made up of 'the lover' and 'the beloved'. The lover was the one who leaned forward when the beloved pulled back. The lover was the one who kept it going, who adored and yearned for the beloved. The beloved sat back and soaked it up, but wasn't the needy one, the one who waited up, wondering when the other was late.

Tracy had chosenBeloved as her nickname on that bulletin board. At the time it seemed like a nice name, something sweet, and not so overtly sexual and obvious as most of the nicknames were -Sex Slut, Sissy Boytoy, Torture Master… Was her subconscious trying to tell her something? Was the lover yearning to be beloved?

That's how it had always been for Tracy, in any relationship. She was the lover, who sought out someone difficult, then spent all her time trying to keep them happy and 'in love' with her. On some level she required this; it kept things alive for her. On the occasions when she found herself as 'the beloved' she invariably ended the relationship. On another, deeper, level, she played out her childhood pattern of seeking the love and approval of withholding parents.