Anonymous - The Oyster Volume VI

'There just wasn't time, old boy, because I had to attend an important auction of eighteenth century silver at Reis et Cie at five o'clock,' he answered gloomily. 'Valerie was clearly very disappointed but she shrugged her shoulders and said: “Oh well, then we'll just have to call it a day. Thank you for the fuck, Teddy, I really enjoyed myself-and so will Gordon when he comes home because he loves listening to me telling him all the exciting details about how my latest lover poked me.

'Captain Dashwood likes to hear his wife talk about her affairs with other men?' I said incredulously. Teddy spread out his hands and shrugged: 'Oh yes, Valerie swore to me that he actually encouraged her to get shagged by whoever she fancied so long as she told him all about it afterwards. Interestingly enough, without divulging the names of the couple involved, I mentioned the incident to a French friend that evening, but to my surprise he wasn't particularly shocked. He said to me that such behaviour is not that uncommon amongst men who are not confident of satisfying their wives and have an overwhelming need to be humiliated.'

'De gustibus non est disputandum,' I commented and he nodded: 'Absolutely so, old boy-though I find it difficult to imagine myself wanting to share my wife's favours even with you! 'Nevertheless, as you rightly say, there is certainly no accounting for tastes!'

Teddy went into the study to write a letter of thanks to his cousin in whose home he had been staying in Paris. Whilst I mulled over his extraordinary story, I heard the sound of a letter sliding thought the flap of our front door so I hauled myself out of my chair and walked to the front door.

The solitary envelope was addressed to me. I raised my eyebrows when I opened it and pulled out the letter which was from Katie Judson, an engaging girl with whom I had enjoyed a platonic friendship during a country house weekend some two months before at her parents' beautiful home in the charming Cotswolds hamlet of Upper Chagford situated in Oxfordshire about seven miles from the border with Gloucestershire.

I hasten to add that the platonic nature of our friendship was not from any lack of ardour on my part. But Katie had been in no state to begin any fresh relationships. The reason for this was that she had only recently broken off her engagement to Anthony G-, a gentleman who soon afterwards was packed off to New Zealand by his family after narrowly escaping criminal prosecution for the foul crime of blackmail. However, since copies of The Oyster now reach Antipodean shores, I will not reveal his full name in the hope that he has changed his ways for the better. Be that as it may, I was delighted to receive this letter from Katie Judson which read:

Judson Manor, Upper Chagford, Oxfordshire

Dear Andrew,

I am counting on you to help a damsel (well, several damsels) in distress! Forgive the short notice, but are you able to accept an invitation to come up to Judson Manor on Friday for a long weekend? The reason why I would be hugely grateful is not just that it would be lovely to see you again but because I have my cousin Susie and two of my closest friends, Alexa and Erika Hansen from Denmark, staying here. Alexa and Erika are twins and their mother is distantly related to Queen Alexandra.

Anyhow, we are all alone here because my father received a telegram yesterday about his Aunt Maude who had reached the great age of ninety-seven but whose health is now giving great cause for concern. Do not think me over-cynical, but as my Great Aunt Maude is thought to have a fortune of more than a quarter of a million pounds, my parents have rushed up to Warwick to be at the old lady's bedside for what are probably her last hours. Of course, this act of kindness has nothing to do with any worry they might have that other unscrupulous relatives might also make a similar journey in order to persuade her to change her will or even — as my father has more than once hinted with regard to his brother Osborn, the black sheep of the family-attempt to forge a codicil or gain a power of attorney over her affairs.

Be that as it may, we four girls have the house to ourselves for at least a week and Susie suggested to me that we should invite some young gentlemen to make up a jolly party whilst my parents are away. Do you recall Ian Pethick, the young Leicestershire landowner, from your last visit here? He is sweet on Susie and as soon as he received an invitation from her, he wired back his acceptance. Our neighbour Colonel Dennison's son, Jack, will also make himself available so we need two more boys to make up the numbers-perhaps your friend Teddy Carmichael would be interested? I would be so pleased if you could both accept this admittedly last-minute invitation.

Perhaps you would send me a telegram saying yea or nay as soon as you receive this letter.

With all my love

Katie

Naturally, I was thrilled to receive this letter-my only arrangements for the weekend consisted of a half-promise to some chaps to take part in a charity bridge evening at the Jim Jam Club in aid of Princess Louise Is East End Milk Funds and a duty visit to my Uncle Hubert and Aunt Gertrude in Ecclestone Square. Well, a cheque to the Funds and a letter of apology to my aunt and uncle would suffice and I hurried into the study to ask Teddy if he were free to accompany me to Upper Chagford on the coming weekend.

'Excellent,' I said when Teddy informed me that he was indeed free and would be very happy to make the journey up to the Cotswolds. 'I'll send a telegram to Katie right now.'

I performed my chores and took a shower before changing into an evening suit for my dinner at Bickler's with Antonio Rubira. I arrived at the restaurant at eight o'clock precisely but it was almost a quarter past eight before Antonio appeared. I was startled to see that he was sporting a large sticking plaster over his left eyebrow and looked far from his usual ebullient self. Therefore I interrupted his fulsome apologies for his late arrival and asked if he had been involved in a traffic accident.

He gave me a rueful look and replied: 'Well, that's exactly what I said to the constable who found me lying on the pavement in a side alley off Dover Street this afternoon. But in fact I had been assaulted and robbed.'

'Good heavens, how terrible!' I gasped. 'But why didn't you tell that to the policeman? Were you in shock? It's not too late to make a statement at the nearest station, you know. I'll go with you if you like.'

'No, no, no, that's that last thing I want to do, my dear friend,' he said quickly. 'After all, the news of what happened might leak out to the newspapers and it would embarrass my father. Besides, I don't want the whole world to know how damned stupid I have been.'

He called over the waiter and went on: 'Let's choose what we want to eat and then after our meal I'll tell you what really happened to me.'

Naturally I dropped the subject although, of course, I was dying to hear what had befallen poor Antonio! Anyhow, we enjoyed a splendid dinner and I followed him upstairs to one of the small private sitting-rooms where we took our coffee and brandy. I settled down in a comfortable armchair but Antonio preferred to stand at the window looking down at the bustle of Piccadilly whilst he sipped his Courvoisier. Then he turned away from the window and said: 'Andrew, I'm so ashamed! I've been a perfect bloody fool!'

He plumped himself down on a small sofa opposite me and sighed: 'Do you remember that when I left you this afternoon I had to rush to meet a second cousin of my mother's at the Ritz? Well, I arrived in good time but a note was waiting there for me to say that he was unable to meet me as he was suffering from a bad cold.

'I won't pretend that I was dreadfully upset and I went back out into Piccadilly and strolled through Green Park. I was about to sit down in a deckchair for a snooze when an attractive girl in a grey coat handed me an advertisement leaflet. Normally, I would have thrown the cheaply printed paper away, but I had nothing to read so I eased myself into my deckchair and saw that the leaflet offered a twenty-five per cent discount off the price of an entrance ticket to anyone who brought it with them to the private poses plastiques entertainment being staged daily on the hour every hour only five minutes' walk away at 3, Albermarle Street.