Anonymous: The Perfect Husband

One day I came home early and found my wife kissing his private parts on the back porch. She had her clothes on, but for some reason, her titties hung out. She loves sucking me, so I told grand pappy he was in for a treat. It was a great day for outdoors sex. This apparently wasn’t the first time cuz he seemed to know she would swallow. I felt like a cheerleader, urging her on. I got so excited I ripped off her bottoms and fucked her from behind. She loves it when I whip her bare ass with my penis — although not in public, for some reason. Again, sorry Walmart. She was as wet as a mop as I slid it in. My girl likes it rough, so I pounded her like a nail. It was fun to see her titties swaying as I thrust in and out. Sure, she whimpered a lot, but if I ever slowed down she’d reach back and scratch me deep.

I love her so much.

I know what she likes because she’s told me a thousand times: all the way in, almost all the way out, then build it up ever harder and faster. This is more fun than dancing. She likes to be spanked during doggy so I smacked her tan ass so hard she growled like the neighbor’s husky. Who came over to watch. The two of them barked like we had a full moon. I waved when I spied the neighbor’s kid with the binoculars. Pappy sure looked happy. Apparently, neither grandma or the local whores ever did this for him. If it weren’t for the husky, his dick would never get licked.

“If I knew I’d go fifty years without anyone swallowing my juice, I’d of had a stroke years ago,” he crowed. “Thanks to my stoke, I don’t have to stroke it anymore!”

The first time she came, I knew to continue or she’d scratch me. She’s usually good for three or four. If I don’t give her at least two, she yells at me in Spanish. I don’t understand English good, so I don’t know why she swears at me in Spanish. Pappy gave me a high-five every time she came. I don’t know why he keeps saying he’s so proud of me when everyone else says I’m an idiot. They call me Frankenstein with poor wiring, but I’m not even Jewish like this Frankenstein fellow. In any case, Pappy said we make a good team. I guess he was right cuz she shuddered five times before she let us cum.

When grandpa exploded in her mouth, oh man, I thought he had another stroke. He lay gasping for breath, almost fell out of his chair, and yelled at me to get him a beer. I got him one, but then he yelled again to specify he wanted a fucking cold beer (if he wanted a cold one, he should have said so the first time, right?).

“I can’t believe the two of you have such big cocks,” my wife said happily. “You have no idea how small they are in Mexico.”

“You shore look perty with grandpa’s dick in your mouth,” I told my little lady. She looked like she conquered Iwo Jima. “You got a drop on your eyelid.”

“Well,” grandpa boasted, “she’ll be doing this every day.”

“Can I watch every time?” I asked, excited.

My poppy just loved me something special cuz he laughed and laughed and said I was such a good boy.

That night my girl showed me what she called his Last Will and Testament. I didn’t understand it all, but apparently I was going to get his stuff.

“Even the TV?” Pappy had a really big television.

“The house, the bank, the stores, the restaurants…”

“But what about the plasma?” I had to know.

“Yes! You get all the televisions.”

“Can we eat free then?” I asked because I’m not so good counting money, and forget about me making change.

She told me where I could eat and shop for free using a special card she’d give me. That made me so happy that I hugged her good. The kids heard me shout and soon we all jumped up and down on grandpa’s big bed.

“You are the perfect husband for me,” my wife said.

“You could be a little taller,” I told her.

I couldn’t believe she hit me. When women say they want honesty in a relationship, they’re lying.

I met my wife when I stopped to take a piss in the parking lot before entering the bar. I couldn’t concentrate enough to pee with all that yelling going on, so I marched over to that car and tried to come up with the words to make them quiet down. The guy kept cursing me until he got out and tried to punch me.

I don’t understand why people think they can abuse me just because my brain don’t fire on all cylinders. He was in my face, so I just broke his nose with my forehead. I don’t feel pain too good, but it must have hurt or he wouldn’t have cried so much.

This tiny girl crawled out her window and kicked him like a soccer ball. I’m good at soccer, so I joined in. When I got him between the legs, he even rolled up like a ball, so clearly he liked playing as much as we did. She let him drive away once he apologized.

“Thank you for stopping that man from raping me. I’ve had blind dates, but never a deaf one before.”

“No man should ever hit a girl.”

Her eyes got big and she looked at me for the first time. Her clothes were all ripped and one of her tits hung out, so I couldn’t help but stare. She asked me questions that I couldn’t answer — hell, she was so pretty all I could do was smile at her. I showed her the bracelet which explains my condition. She read it twice, just to be sure. Most people slowly back away, but my affliction didn’t bother her at all.

“I’d rather have ’em dumb than domineering,” I’d later hear her tell her friends.

I was still smiling down at her. When she smiled back, I lit up like a Christmas tree. I felt like I won the lottery. Nothing in the world compares to learning that someone you really like, really likes you back.

I’m a pretty big guy. I like heavy labor because all that other stuff just confuses me. But I was no match for her. She jumped up and down when she saw the tent I pitched in my pants. She pulled down my sweats and my underwear looked like someone stuck a spear in them. Her face was all eyes and smiles — for a second I think she lost her nose.

She reached up to kiss me and my lips never felt anything so smooth. I got tired of stooping over, so I picked her up so we could continue making out. I don’t know for how long, but long enough for her to take the time to feel every muscle in my arms.

“Your arms are bigger than my legs,” she told me.

“You’re so tiny you could use my shoes to ski.”

I don’t know why, but she thought that funny. Except for grandpa, I’ve never made anyone laugh before. Not on purpose.

Back at my truck, she made me park away from the lamps, then had me lay back. The way she looked at me, I thought she was going to tickle me like grandma used to. But no, she fondled my private parts instead, laughing as my penis kept growing larger and larger.

“I didn’t know they made them this big,” she whispered excitedly before swallowing the head.

“That’s what the nurses keep saying.”

Other girls have tried that, but they all gave up in order to mount me. Not my pretty little Mexican. My prick challenged her, and she spent a really long time meeting that challenge. She put my hand between her legs and I tacked that bait while she squirmed like a fish on a rowboat. I pushed the middle finger in and out really fast cuz I like it when girls holler. That’s my second favorite part of being naked.

She must have been running before because her breathing became heavy and her skin flush. The way her lips rubbed the head of my penis head curled by toes.

“You keep doing that and I’m gonna blow,” I warned her. Unlike other girls, she kept going, only faster and deeper. I heard her grunting like this little piglet I used play with. “I ain’t kidding. You’re about to get a mouthful of juice!” Now she grunted louder than me! Something deep inside her grabbed my finger and pulled. It must have flipped a switch because I blew like a volcano. “Look out!” My new best friend didn’t even pause, though, except to swallow.