Рейчел Уэллс - A Cat Called Alfie

‘So how’s work?’ Jonathan asked Matt.

‘Pretty good, busy but I’m working from home a bit more so I can help Pol out. What about you?’

‘You know I was so sceptical when I got my job. I thought the company was a bit rubbish, I thought it was beneath me. But it turns out to be the best move I ever made. Once I got over myself and threw myself into it, it’s all started going really well.’

‘Finally, it seems that life is good. So let’s drink to that.’ They clinked beer bottles. ‘Oh and by the way, mate, can you and Claire babysit for us on Saturday? I want to surprise Pol with a nice meal out.’

‘Sure, I don’t think we’ve got plans and anyway, it’s good practice.’

‘She’s not is she?’

‘No, well I don’t think so, not yet, but hopefully soon.’ Jonathan sounded unperturbed, unlike Claire, as he discussed the wanted pregnancy.

Our cosy boys’ night was soon interrupted by the doorbell again. Jonathan groaned as he got up, and I followed him to the front door. He opened the door, coming face-to-face with Heather and Vic Goodwin, who stood smiling — or rather, grimacing — at him from the doorstep.

‘Jonathan, is Claire here?’ Vic asked. I looked behind Vic and Heather and saw that Salmon was with them, standing at my front gate. He aggressively flicked his tail up, I narrowed my eyes but decided to ignore him. Irritating cat. Mind you, irritating owners. They were older than my owners, both with grey hair. They lived in a smaller house, a bit like Matt and Polly’s, on the opposite side of the road to us. They always dressed in a similar way, and today they were both wearing navy blue jumpers with white shirt collars poking out from underneath. Vic was wearing corduroy trousers, Heather a corduroy skirt. I wondered if they were a certain species of humans — none of the couples I knew wore matching clothes.

‘Um no, she’s at her book club,’ Jonathan mumbled nervously, as I saw him move forward to block the door. I knew he didn’t want to let them in but I also knew he shouldn’t underestimate Vic and Heather.

‘Not to worry, we’ve got you.’ Heather grinned and before I knew it, they had managed to get themselves inside the house. My fur stood on end. As they walked into the living room, Jonathan shut the door, looking confused. I stayed at Jonathan’s feet as we followed them in.

‘Ah, Matt, you’re here,’ Vic said. ‘Good, good. Saves us visiting your house.’

‘Hello.’ Matt looked at Jonathan with panic in his eyes.

‘We are—’ Heather paused, sitting down on the sofa. I cowered under a chair and put my paws over my eyes. This wasn’t good. She continued, ‘Here on Neighbourhood Watch business, of course.’

‘Of course.’ Jonathan and Matt exchanged another glance. Jonathan was standing up, Matt was on the chair in the corner and Vic and Heather sat together on the sofa.

‘So what can we do for you?’ Jonathan asked, politely.

‘Well, as you know there’s been a few changes in the street lately. And now number forty-eight has been let we thought it would be a good time to strategize,’ Vic started. I pricked my ears up at the mention of the new house.

‘Right, strategize how?’ Matt asked.

‘Well, as you know, dear, Edgar Road has become quite a community and we want to keep it that way. So we thought that when the new people come into number forty-eight we should hold a meeting, explain to them that it’s a community here and how we all look out for each other,’ Heather explained.

‘Sort of a welcome party?’ Matt asked, eyebrow raised.

‘Exactly, Matt, exactly,’ Vic concurred. ‘Start as we mean to go on.’

‘I didn’t get a welcome party,’ Jonathan said grumpily.

‘Well you didn’t act suspiciously when you moved in, did you?’ Vic pointed out.

‘What are you talking about?’ Matt asked.

‘Moving boxes in at night, unpacking at night, it’s not exactly normal behaviour is it?’ Heather smiled, almost in the same way that Salmon does, baring her teeth. I promptly re-covered my eyes.

‘And, I have a friend who lives in a nearby neighbourhood, and a house in their street was let recently,’ Vic continued. ‘Well about twenty of those foreign people moved into the house, and well, we can’t have that here.’

Jonathan looked shocked, his brows knotted in confusion.

‘What on earth are you talking about? What does that have to do with number forty-eight?’ Jonathan asked, sounding horrified.

‘The letting agent wouldn’t disclose to us who would be moving in, but so far the new occupants have acted suspiciously so we’ve put two and two together. And this is happening all over London, so we need to be on top of it. You know, as Neighbourhood Watch coordinators and concerned residents.’

‘So hang on, we don’t even know who’s moving in, and yet you’re already planning to interrogate them?’ Matt sounded annoyed.

‘No, that’s not what we said. But whoever it is, we thought if we invited them to a meeting immediately they would know how our street works. And, we would like them to explain their nocturnal activities. We have a duty to the residents here to ensure our street stays safe,’ Heather explained.

‘God, you make it sound like a lynch mob.’ Jonathan looked aghast.

‘No, absolutely not, of course we don’t mean that. But anyway, we wanted to inform you and of course we know that you and your good lady wives will attend and offer the neighbourhood your support.’ Vic smiled, but his smile was as sinister as his wife’s and his cat’s.

‘It’s just that if there are going to be lots of immigrants moving onto the street we need to show them we won’t be messed with. And if it’s a normal middle-class family we will welcome them,’ Heather explained. ‘So we can count on you?’

Jonathan and Matt were speechless as I came out from under the chair, and went and sat on the windowsill. Salmon still sat at the gate, and I flicked my tail up at him through the safety of the window. I saw him hiss at me; I smirked, he couldn’t come near me, as I continued to taunt him.

‘When is this meeting?’ Matt asked.

‘We are going to schedule it when the residents of number forty-eight move in. So you’ll attend I take it?’ Vic said.

‘I don’t know—’ Matt began.

‘The thing is—’ Jonathan said at the same time.

‘Dear boys,’ Heather started, sounding even scarier than normal. ‘I hope that you care enough about this street to come. I would hate to think that you have no interest in where you live, as would the other residents, I’m sure.’

‘Absolutely, dear.’ Vic put his arm around Heather. ‘Until now we have thought of you as being very good members of our community. We wouldn’t want to have to revise that opinion.’

Matt looked terrified as he seemed to shrink back into the chair.

‘Of course we’ll be there,’ Jonathan said. Matt shot him a surprised look. ‘To welcome our new neighbours, which is, what I hope that this meeting will be about.’ Jonathan sounded firm and I was proud of him.

‘Absolutely,’ Vic said. ‘Right, we have lots of people to visit so we’d best get on. Glad we can count on you.’ In the whole scheme of Heather and Vic, they’d got off lightly.

‘Well good, I’ll show you out.’ As Jonathan herded them to the door, he spoke again. ‘You know our good friends, Franceska and Tomasz are from Poland and they lived here for a while. They weren’t trouble makers,’ he said. We all stood at the front door; I took the opportunity to give Salmon one last dirty look.

‘Absolutely not. We got lucky with them, but not all foreigners are like that,’ Heather said, seriously. I could hear Matt in the living room choking on his beer.