Дебора Хоу - Bunnicula

“Aw, that wasn’t a real bite, was it, Chester? That was a love bite. Isn’t that cute?”

Love bite, my foot. That hurt!

“Chester, what’s the matter with you?” I sputtered. “Do I look like a tomato?”

“Oh, it doesn’t matter anyway, Harold. They don’t understand. How can human beings read the same books I do and still be so thick?”

Our conversation was interrupted. Mrs. Monroe picked Chester up and cuddled him. I was praying she would not add insult to injury by kissing his nose, which he hates more than anything.

“Poor Chester, do you need a little love? Do you know what I’m going to do, you big ball of fuzz, you?” Oh, oh. I could tell what was coming. “I’m going to kiss you on your little nose.” Yep, I could tell that was coming, all right. Chester knew better than to resist. He went limp in Mrs. Monroe’s arms. Mr. Monroe took his towel off Chester.

“I still don’t know why he’s wearing my towel,” he said.

“I think he must be cold, dear. Here’s your towel. Why don’t you get his kitty sweater …” Chester looked ill. “… and he can wear that all day.”

As Chester was being buttoned into his bright yellow sweater (with little purple mice in cowboy hats all over it), Mr. Monroe said, “What about those vegetables? Shall I speak to Tom Cragin?”

“Yes, dear,” Mrs. Monroe said, “why don’t you? I’m sure there’s some explanation. In the meantime, I’ll change markets. To tell you the truth, I’m really much more worried about Chester. We’d better keep our eye on him.”

Chester and I did not speak until late afternoon. I was busy nursing my neck, and Chester was busy hiding under the sofa, too embarrassed to be seen. When we did speak at last, it was a brief exchange.

“Hey, Chester,” I called when he finally crawled out from under, “we don’t have to worry about any vampire bunnies anymore. All you have to do is stand outside his cage in that sweater, and he’ll laugh himself to death.”

Chester was not amused. “That’s right, make fun. All of you. No one understands. I tried to warn them, and they wouldn’t heed. Now, I’m going to take matters into my own hands.”

Whereupon, Chester and his sixteen purple mice went into the kitchen for dinner.

Chapter 6 - Harold Helps Out

That night, I had an uneasy sleep. Strange noises emanated from downstairs. It sounded like toenails were clicking back and forth on the floor. It must be Bunnicula making his midnight run, I thought, although I’d never known him to make a sound. And I smelled the funniest odor in the air—something familiar, though I couldn’t place it. As the night progressed, it grew stronger and stronger until finally it tickled my nose and I sneezed myself awake. I jumped off Toby’s bed, still sniffling, and headed down the stairs for the living room to find Chester, to see if he could smell it, too.

The odor grew even stronger as I approached the living room. Standing in the doorway was Chester, a strange pendant hanging from his neck.

“Phew, Chester,” I said, “what are you wearing that awful thing for? It smells!”

“Of course it smells,” he replied. “Here, I made one for you, too. Put it on.”

“Are you kidding? That thing smells like garlic.”

“It is garlic,” Chester stated matter-of-factly.

“Why are you wearing garlic?” I asked, thinking that by this time Chester was capable of anything. As we walked into the living room, I tripped on another piece of garlic lying in the doorway.

“Careful,” said Chester, “watch your step.”

I surveyed the room and saw that it was strewn with garlic. On the doorways … over the windows … and around Bunnicula’s cage. The poor little fellow had buried his nose as far as possible under his blanket.

I was about to follow his example and return to Toby’s bed to bury my nose under the blankets when Chester grabbed my tail with his teeth.

“You’re not leaving this room until you put this on,” he grumbled at me. I think that’s what he said. I wasn’t sure because he had my tail in his mouth.

“It’s not polite to talk with your mouth full, Chester. Drop that tail.” Meanwhile, my eyes were beginning to water.

“Listen,” Chester snapped at me (fortunately letting go of my tail first), “the book said to use garlic.”

“What book?” I asked. “ The Joy of Cooking? ”

Chester continued, “ The Mark of the Vampire says garlic renders vampires immobile.”

“What does that mean?”

“It means they can’t go anywhere if there’s garlic around.”

“Well, I’ve got news for you, Chester. I can’t go anywhere either. The smell is killing me—”

“But you’ve got to put it on; it says so in the book. If you don’t put it on, I’ll put it on for you.”

“Doe, Chester,” I said as my nose suddenly and involuntarily closed, “I’be leaving dis roob right dow.” And I did.

I was so sick to my stomach from the aroma that I decided to spend the early morning hours outdoors. As dawn approached, it seemed that it would be a peaceful day. The sky was clear, the birds were singing, and I felt contented after my difficult night just to be lying in the grass, feeling the ladybugs crawl up my ears. Suddenly, the calm was broken. Strange piercing screams came from the area of the kitchen. Not again, I thought. What’s turned white now?

As it happened, it was Chester. There in the sink, lathered with soap, was the feline detective, yelling his head off. Mrs. Monroe was scrubbing him vigorously and, from the sound of her voice, was in the middle of a long lecture.

“I don’t know what’s gotten into you, Chester. You never played with garlic before. I thought you hated the smell of it, and here you’ve gotten it all over yourself. Stop wriggling, you’ll get soap in your eyes. If you want to chew on something, I’ll get you some catnip. But stay out of my herbs!” Then she rinsed him off, rubbed him with a towel, and plunked him down in front of the stove to finish drying.

“Shut the door,” he hissed at me. “I’m freezing. That silly woman, doesn’t she know cats don’t get baths ?”

“What do you mean? I get baths all the time,” I said, closing the door with my back foot.

“That’s because you’re too dumb to bathe yourself. Cats always bathe themselves, it’s a rule. Everyone knows that.”

“Well, at least it smells nice in here again.” I sniffed as I settled down next to Chester by the stove. “And it’s all toasty warm here in the kitchen.”

“Sure it smells nice again,” he said, “but now the house isn’t safe anymore.”

“What do you mean?” I asked, getting closer.

“I mean, it worked last night. The garlic worked. No more vegetables turned white, did they?”

“No, but …”

“That means Bunnicula didn’t get out of his cage last night.”

“Maybe he was just tired,” I said, “or maybe he was full.”

“Don’t be ridiculous,” he replied. “It was the garlic. He couldn’t leave his cage. But tonight he’ll be free to roam again, and I’ve got to find a way to stop him that isn’t smelly.”

Mr. and Mrs. Monroe were hurrying in and out of the room, stepping over us, late for work. Mrs. Monroe yelled up to Toby, “Don’t forget to take the steak out of the freezer when you get home today, Toby, and leave it on the table to defrost. And this time, remember to put a plate under it.”

Chester’s ears perked up. “Of course!” he said. “That’s what I’ll do.” And he strolled past me with a knowing smile. Mrs. Monroe turned off the stove and left the room. It was too much for me to figure out, so I went to sleep on the nice, warm kitchen floor.