Andrea Dworkin: The New Womans Broken Heart

rescued just in the nick of time, they werent much as heroes go but

they were all I had.

sometime about the 6th grade I got into the heavy stuff. Scarlett

O’Hara and Marjorie Momingstar. I read Gone with the Wind at

least 22 times. I had total visual recall of every page. I could open it

up at will to any episode and begin crying immediately. I would sit in

my room, door locked, and cry—tears streaming down my cheeks,

body racked in agony, but quietly so my mother wouldnt hear and

take the book away, when Rhett carried her up those stairs. “My

dear, I don’t give a dam n, ” he said when finally, at last, she begged,

when Ashley died, when Tara was burned to the ground, how

Scarlett suffered and how I suffered, we were the same really, both

women of greatness. I saw my grand white house in rubble, myself in

ashes and sackcloth, destitute, humiliated, my slaves loved me (here

I quivered, knowing even then I was a jerk) and were forced to leave.

Rhett. Rhett. I was her, and I was him, and I was her being cruel to

him, and him being cruel to her, and all of us, suffering, heroic,

driven, by History no less. Melanie, or Melody, or whatever her name

was, pale, dull, and well behaved under every circumstance, appalled me. I skipped all the parts she was in.

Marjorie, the thrill of eating bacon for the 1st time, of course I had

eaten bacon all my life. I just hadnt ever before known how

dangerous it really was. Noel Airman. An Actor, soon he would be

balding, thats how old and evil he was. danger, sex. I could feel his

creepy decadence. I looked for it everywhere. I couldnt find it in the

grammar school I went to. he would corrupt her. he would corrupt

me. somewhere in the world there was a Noel Airman waiting to do

some dirty thing to me—IT they called it—that would degrade me. I

would never be able to be with decent people again. I might even go

to Hell. I would be an artist. I would be able to feel. I would know

everything. I ignored the 2nd part of the book where she married

that jerk, none of that for me. keeping kosher indeed.

also that same year. A. F. fell in love with me. he gave me a wooden

snake. I was supposed to scream in horror so I did even though I

quite liked it and later named it Herman, he wouldnt let me play

with the other boys, he grabbed my arms and pulled me out of all the

games, also Joel Christian and Agnes, he was at least 19. they necked

all the time, everywhere, during recess, they expelled him but she got

pregnant anyway.

the next year I went to camp.

with my best friend S.

we were one year too young to be counselors-in-training. it was humiliating. we were above going on hikes and making beaded purses.

Barry Greenberg was a counselor-in-training. he was tall and thin

and had a crew cut that stood up. he wore a bright red shirt that said

SAM’S MEAT MARKET, he worked there after school in the

winter.

we tried to follow him everywhere.

finally we even went bowling to see him. he always hit the pins but

we didnt dare, we always missed and giggled, we wore tight sweaters,

he was pretty bored and above it all.

then we went back to school, desperate for Barry Greenberg, in

love, suffering. Rhett. Noel. Barry Greenberg.

a few months later I slept at her house or she slept at mine, we put

on our pajamas and giggled for hours, we talked about Barry

Greenberg.

then I said, 111 be Barry Greenberg and I climbed on top of her and

I was Barry Greenberg, then she said, 111 be Barry Greenberg and

she climbed on top of me and she was Barry Greenberg, then I was

Barry Greenberg, then she was Barry Greenberg, then I was Barry

Greenberg, then she was Barry Greenberg. I might have been twice

in a row when she got tired, then the light broke and we lay together

drenched in sweat and love of Barry Greenberg, then we went to

school and danced together during recess to “Chantilly Lace” and

invented a new step where I swung her over me and she swung me

over her and we both turned around,

then we met Mary and everything changed.

Mary wasnt like us. we were both brilliant. Mary wasnt. we were

both in fact, according to ourselves, prodigies. Mary wasnt. we were

both Jewish. Mary wasnt. we were both too smart to be popular.

Mary wasnt.

we loved Mary immediately.

Mary was a conservative, that meant that she wore only beige and

blue and certain shades of green and peter pan collars and a circle

pin on the correct side (one side meant virgin, the other meant

whore, typically I never could remember which was which). S. and I

both wore sweaters and dark red neither of which was conservative,

we each wanted Mary to be our best friend,

so S. told Mary lies about me and Mary stopped speaking to me. I

suffered. Rhett. Noel. Mary, then I told Mary lies about S. and Mary

stopped speaking to her.

there was a confrontation. I won. I won Mary, it was strictly

platonic and ethereal. S. had a nervous breakdown and her mother

sent her to school in another city, when she was 15 she had an affair

with a painter, he fucked her and she became a woman, then she

became a Bunny in a Playboy Club, then she disappeared. Once S.

left, Mary seemed kind of dull.

then my best friend was Rona. she was afraid of me because by

then I was angry as well as smart. I wore only black by then, she had

read in Dear Abby that if you had a close friend and she didnt pluck

her eyebrows and they were hairy you should take her aside and tell

her to pluck her eyebrows. Rona and I had never spoken but since

she wanted me to be her friend she took me aside anyway and told

me to pluck my eyebrows. I did. then she was my best friend.

because I wore black and we both emulated Holden Caulfield as

much as possible we went to Ronas house every Wednesday night to

drink her parents booze, they went bowling. Rona had a boyfriend

who had a boyfriend, her boyfriend was tall, handsome, blond,

broad shouldered, and had been in the Navy, she wasnt allowed to

see him because her parents thought he was a creep and too mature

for her. her boyfriends boyfriend was (as we said then) a fag. he said

mean malicious things about everyone we knew and we thought he

was very clever. Ronas boyfriend of course was not a fag since he was

Ronas boyfriend, had been in the Navy, and was tall, handsome,

blond, and broad shouldered, he had even, Rona whispered, made

some girl pregnant and fucked a real whore.