John Bunyan - Grace Abounding to the Chief of Sinners

86. And though I was much troubled, and tossed, and afflicted, with the sight and sense and terror of my own wickedness, yet I was afraid to let this sight and sense go quite off my mind: that unless guilt of conscience was taken off the right way, that is, by the blood of Christ a man grew rather worse for the loss of his trouble of mind, than better. Wherefore, if my guilt lay hard upon me, then I should cry that the blood of Christ might take it off: and if it was going off without it (for the sense of sin would be sometimes as if it would die, and go quite away), then I would also strive to fetch it upon my heart again, by bringing the punishment of sin in hell fire upon my spirit; and should cry, Lord , let it not go off my heart , but the right way , by the blood of Christ , and the application of Thy mercy , through Him , to my soul , for that scripture lay much upon me, without shedding of blood is no remission . Heb. ix. 22. And that which made me the more afraid of this, was, because I had seen some, who though when they were under wounds of conscience, would cry and pray; yet seeking rather present ease from their trouble, than pardon for their sin, cared not how they lost their guilt, so they got it out of their mind: now, having got it off the wrong way, it was not sanctified unto them; but they grew harder and blinder, and more wicked after their trouble. This made me afraid, and made me cry to God the more, that it might not be so with me.

87. And now I was sorry that God had made me man, for I feared I was a reprobate; I counted man as unconverted, the most doleful of all the creatures. Thus being afflicted and tossed about my sad condition, I counted myself alone, and above the most of men unblessed.

88. Yea, I thought it impossible that ever I should attain to so much goodness of heart, as to thank God that He had made me a man. Man indeed is the most noble by creation, of all creatures in the visible world; but by sin he has made himself the most ignoble. The beasts, birds, fishes, etc. I blessed their condition; for they had not a sinful nature; they were not obnoxious to the wrath of God; they were not to go to hell-fire after death; I could therefore have rejoiced, had my condition been as any of theirs.

89. In this condition I went a great while, but when comforting time was come, I heard one preach a sermon on these words in the song, Song iv. 1, Behold , thou art fair , my love , behold , thou art fair . But at that time he made these two words, my love , his chief and subject matter: from which, after he had a little opened the text, he observed these several conclusions: 1. That the church , and so every saved soul , is Christ’s love , when loveless . 2. Christ’s love without a cause . 3. Christ’s love , when hated of the world . 4. Christ’s love , when under temptation and under destruction . 5. Christ’s love , from first to last .

90. But I got nothing by what he said at present; only when he came to the application of the fourth particular, this was the word he said; If it be so , that the saved soul is Christ’s love , when under temptation and desertion ; then poor tempted soul , when thou art assaulted , and afflicted with temptations , and the hidings of God’s face , yet think on these two words , ‘My love,’ still .

91. So as I was going home, these words came again into my thoughts; and I well remember, as they came in, I said thus in my heart, What shall I get by thinking on these two words ? This thought had no sooner passed through my heart, but these words began thus to kindle in my spirit, Thou art My Love , thou art My Dove , twenty times together; and still as they ran in my mind, they waxed stronger and warmer, and began to make me look up; but being as yet, between hope and fear, I still replied in my heart, But is it true , but is it true ? At which that sentence fell upon me, He wist not that it was true , which was done by the Angel . Acts xii. 9.

92. Then I began to give place to the word which with power, did over and over make this joyful sound within my soul, ‘ Thou art my Love , thou art My Love , and nothing shall separate thee from My Love . And with that my heart was filled full of comfort and hope, and now I could believe that my sins should be forgiven me; yea, I was now so taken with the love and mercy of God, that I remember I could not tell how to contain till I got home: I thought I could have spoken of His love, and have told of His mercy to me, even to the very crows, that sat upon the ploughed lands before me, had they been capable to have understood me: wherefore I said in my soul, with much gladness, Well , I would I had a pen and ink here , I would write this down before I go any farther ; for surely I will not forget this forty years hence . But, alas! within less than forty days I began to question all again; which made me begin to question all still.

93. Yet still at times I was helped to believe, that it was a true manifestation of grace unto my soul, though I had lost much of the life and favour of it. Now about a week or a fortnight after this I was much followed by this scripture, Simon , Simon ; behold , Satan hath desired to have you , Luke xxii. 31, and sometimes it would sound so loud within me, yea, and as it was, call so strongly after me, that once, above all the rest, I turned my head over my shoulder, thinking verily that some man had behind me, called me; being at a great distance, methought he called so loud: it came, as I have thought since, to have stirred me up to prayer, and to watchfulness: it came to acquaint me, that a cloud and a storm was coming down upon me: but I understood it not.

94. Also, as I remember, that time that it called to me so loud, was the last time that it sounded in mine ears; but me thinks I hear still with what a loud voice these words, Simon , Simon , sounded in mine ears. I thought verily, as I have told you, that somebody had called after me, that was half a mile behind me: and although that was not my name, yet it made me suddenly look behind me, believing that he that called so loud, meant me.

95. But so foolish was I, and ignorant, that I knew not the reason of this sound; (which as I did both see and feel soon after, was sent from heaven as an alarm, to awaken me to provide for what was coming,) only I should muse and wonder in my mind, to think what should be the reason of this scripture, and that at this rate, so often and so loud, should still be sounding and rattling in mine ears: but, as I said before, I soon after perceived the end of God therein.

96. For, about the space of a month after, a very great storm came down upon me, which handled me twenty times worse than all I had met with before; it came stealing upon me, now by one piece, then by another: First, all my comfort was taken from me; then darkness seized upon me; after which, whole floods of blasphemies, both against God, Christ, and the scriptures, were poured upon my spirit, to my great confusion and astonishment. These blasphemous thoughts were such as stirred up questions in me against the very being of God, and of His only beloved Son: As, whether there were in truth, a God or Christ? And whether the holy scriptures were not rather a fable, and cunning story, than the holy and pure word of God?

97. The tempter would also much assault me with this, How can you tell but that the Turks had as good scriptures to prove their Mahomet the Saviour , as we have to prove our Jesus is ? And , could I think , that so many ten thousands , in so many countries and kingdoms , should be without the knowledge of the right way to heaven , ( if there were indeed a heaven ); and that we only , who live in a corner of the earth , should alone be blessed therewith ? Every one doth think his own religion rightest , both Jews and Moors, and Pagans; and how if all our faith , and Christ , and scriptures , should be but a think so too ?