Paula Brukmüller - Flowers from Greece - The Autobiography of the Journalist Who Turned a Personal Tragedy into an Inspiring World Tour

- Of course not. I would never do that. I took you to the door of the hostel and we said goodbye – Mike answered causing me relief and admiration at the same time.

- You are so sweet. Thank you – I sent a kiss with a heart – I can’t find my wallet. Did you see if I had anything in my hands when you left me in the room?

- No, gorgeous. You had nothing in your hands.

By then, I was so desperate that I didn’t know if the dizziness I felt was from hangover, hunger or nervousness. My two credit cards and all my money were in my wallet, and I couldn’t think of a reasonable solution. Only my passport, which was in a special pocket of the backpack, had been saved. I texted the staff group, and everyone made sure they had seen the wallet under the bar counter.

After 2 hours of searching, I accepted that I had lost it.

The worst was reliving the night before and not understanding how I could lose consciousness with a single bucket of vodka and energy drink. It was then that Deedee appeared smiling in my mind. Except this wasn’t a memory of last night, it was the smile he gave me two nights ago when he tried to force me to accept a handful of weed. And, also on the night of the Jungle Party, when he insisted that I took a pill of Ecstasy. I turned down both offers, but I couldn’t help thinking that he might have put something in the bucket he offered me so kindly while I painted the guests for Full Moon.

All the Thais I’ve met so far had been very kind and honest, I didn’t want to believe that Deedee could do something like that. And, with what intention? I was afraid to comment on my distrust to Steve, but it was really weird that I lost control with just one little bucket. I could only thank Flavia for being by my side and Mike for being so considerate.

I sat on the pink armchair of the bar and leaned my head, which by this time weighed a ton, on my two hands, feeling tears of guilt, doubt and fear beginning to well up. But, before surrendering to the whirlwind of emotions, a voice inside me urged me to keep calm.

There was no use in despairing now. Let’s start thinking of a solution. Let’s go in stages. What’s the most urgent action? – I was overwhelmed by a sense of capability. That was the first major problem to be faced during my trip. There should be a way out and I’d find it. After all, that would be just a good story to tell later.

When I had just blocked my German credit card and managed to convince the clerk to send me a new one to an island in the middle of Thailand, Kate appeared at the bar with her face scrunched from sleep and holding a green leather object in her hands.

- God damn it !!!!! I shouted as I got my wallet. “I spent the whole afternoon in despair, Kate!” Where was it?

- The bar was very crowded yesterday, so I got worried and took it to my room – she replied in the deep voice of someone who seemed to have smoked ten cigarette packs the night before.

It didn’t feel right to complain. She took better care of my wallet than myself. I thanked and moaned at the same time. I tried to reverse the cancellation of the card, but there was no other way out. Now, I have to stay in Koh Phangan for another two weeks until I receive the new card.

“What can’t be cured must be endured”, I thought. At least I had money and my Brazilian card was safe. Also, Steve let me stay at the hostel as a volunteer, and since the island would be empty in less than two days, I’d have a private air-conditioned room while I waited. Everything was fine.

Steve was already in Koh Samui, where he had another hostel, with his Thai wife.

Sofia, Rapha Henry and I were in charge of the hostel and we led a lazy life, catching up with the laundry gradually after the insane Full Moon week. Sofia and I decided to clean up the kitchen and spent three days dodging hundreds of cockroaches and several mice while we washed up everything in the little room cluttered by drinks. The place was unrecognizable and I was proud of the work we’ve done.

After receiving the photos on the staff group, Steve was surprised.

- Are you serious cleaning up while I’m in Koh Samui? If I was a volunteer, I’d be completely wasted on this empty island.

We accepted the message as compliment and permission. So, we spent the rest of the days drinking and watching the sunset from the nearest beaches. We rented two motorcycles to explore faraway places and the regions with waterfalls, we got to know our neighbors from the Italian boutique and the tattoo parlor better, and we attended some smaller parties.

In the mornings, I’d wake up without an alarm clock to meditate in my room before going to the beach. Henry, who was by now my inseparable companion, would help me with the laundry, while Sofia and Rapha kept the bathrooms clean.

During that quiet time, I took advantage to fulfill Steve’s request to draw a large image of Yemanja [19] Imenjá is the goddess of the sea. She’s a central deity in the Candomblé religion. She is concerned with every aspect of womanhood, fertility and family. She’s very powerful and she watches over sailors and fishermen and she protects the children. She’s often depicted as a mermaid and usually dresses white or blue. in one of the bathrooms. He wanted to fill up the new art area, and he had asked me to do something.

I was surprised by my own talent. I copied the internet design by looking at it and created a style of my own in the hair and the ocean waves, which I made up under her feet by transferring my idea to the wall. I spent hours feeling neither hungry nor tired, free hand drawing with a black pen. When I decided it was done, I covered everything with varnish and posted a photo on the internet. I was proud of myself.

Henry and I had fun looking for new beaches and finding all the restaurants that sold pad thai for less than 50 baht on the island. It was amazing how a boy of only 19 had become so important. We smoked weed on the night of his farewell and, amidst laughter, we agreed to meet in the Atacama Desert.

I don’t know if either of us really took it too seriously, but we spoke with great excitement under the light effect of the joint. I still don’t like weed, but I felt safe to take a puff or two with my new, practically teenage friend.

Two days after Henry left, I had no idea how long it had been since my credit card order. For some reason, after meditating that morning, I didn’t go to the beach. I took a shower, bought a cup of coffee and a sandwich at the convenience store, and opened the bar before 10am.

Less than 20 minutes later, a motorcycle stopped near the curb.

- Paura Bruquimuri? – asked the skinny biker with a large envelope in his hands.

I couldn’t believe it. My credit card had arrived at the very same day I decided to open the bar in the morning to wait for the mail. I remembered what I read about meditation strengthening intuition and thanked it. Hours later, I had already bought my ticket to Krabi, which was on the other side of the continent.

Ispent four days changing hostels in Krabi. I didn’t know where to go. I was thinking of Vietnam, but it made me feel uneasy. I missed home, but I had nowhere to return after such a long time. My mother’s house was not where I’d like to live, although I loved my mom unconditionally. The house I built with Felipe was no longer home. I wanted to go back to a place where I felt at home, but there wasn’t such a place for me.

One afternoon, not knowing which day of the month or week I was, I saw a mindblowing sunset at Railay Beach, and I finally decided that I should go farther to the south of Thailand. The next morning I felt that the events taking place seemed like a warning from the universe: it’s time to go.