Jen Kirkman - I Can Barely Take Care of Myself

Me:“Hi. I’m looking for a DVD boxed set. Do you have The Golden Girls ?”

Bren:“You mean Gilmore Girls ?”

Me:“No. I don’t mean Gilmore Girls. I mean The Golden Girls. ”

Bren:“Um, wait, do you mean the Golden Globes?”

(Is there even such a thing? Yeah, I want the Golden Globes DVD boxed set. All of them —starting with the first Golden Globes ceremony back in 1944. Don’t skimp on one part! I want all of it—including every best short black-and-white cartoon that has a hint of racism. I have a U-Haul outside and a storage space that I’m dying to fill up with over sixty years of awards shows.)

Me:“No. Not the Golden Globes. Not Gilmore Girls. The Golden Girls. ”

Bren:“Uhhh, what’s that?”

Me:“What’s The Golden Girls ?”

Bren:“Yeah. I don’t know what that is.”

“Bren,” I said, “ The Golden Girls. Starring Bea Arthur, Rue McClanahan, Betty White, and Estelle Getty. Four middle-age/elderly women living together. Some were divorced, some widowed—but it didn’t matter, they didn’t need men. They had one another. Not to say that they weren’t still sexual—they were. Especially Blanche. The Golden Girls! The original Sex and the City , if you will. Saturday nights on NBC!”

Bren dismissed the entire run of the show with a simple, “Pshhhht. Oh. I never heard of it.”

“But it was one of the most popular sitcoms from the 1980s!”

Bren shook his head. “Well, I don’t need to know that. I was born in the nineties.”

Born in the nineties? I can’t even imagine such a thing. How can anyone not have been a teenager in 1991 when Nirvana’s teen anthem album Nevermind came out? How does being a teenager not involve driving around in a flannel shirt in your parents’ Oldsmobile, listening to the local college station, just waiting for “Smells Like Teen Spirit” to come on the radio? The nineties were meant for being a teenager—if they weren’t, Nirvana would have named their hit anthem “Smells Like Just Being Born,” and that conjures up the smell of regurgitated stale oatmeal and sour milk. If Kurt Cobain were still alive, he’d kill himself all over again because teenagers these days are so stupid.

I hate the arrogance of “I don’t need to know that.” I’m sure he knows the name of every character in Star Wars —does he need to know that? It’s certainly not helping him get laid. By the time I was a toddler in the late 1970s I knew that although James Dean was a teen idol for girls in the 1950s, in his real life he took ballet class and was rumored to be bisexual, or, as my mother would say, “a little bit AC/DC.” I knew that Marilyn Monroe had “committed suicide,” but lots of people believed her death was a swift assassination by the Kennedys, because after sleeping with Bobby and Jack she simply “knew too much” about their mob ties.

If Bren had no idea about things that happened before the nineties, he must watch American Idol and think, This old guy Steven Tyler seems to know what he’s talking about. I agree with everything he says even though I have no idea what qualifies this nail polish–wearing man whom I’ve never heard of to judge a singing competition! Bren must get blown away walking into an Urban Outfitters and seeing a Rubik’s Cube being ironically sold at the counter and thinking, Hey, look! It’s a three-dimensional app! Whoa! How do I get that into my iPhone?

When people breathlessly and worriedly ask me, “But… but if you don’t have kids, who will take care of you when you’re old?” I think, Not these dummies! If I’m in a nursing home, I want someone my own age or close to it administering my meds. I don’t want some young Bren type to have my life in his hands as he says, “Uh, you want me to give that old lady some penicillin? What is that—some drug that was discovered in 1928? Shit. I don’t need to know about this. I was born in the nineties.”

I disagree somewhat with Eckhart Tolle. I’m not sure I like the concept of “the power of now.” I want to write a new-age book called The Power of Nostalgia geared at teenagers like Bren who think that they don’t need to know about anything that came before them. Would he say, “I don’t need to know that,” in history class when his teacher says that it’s time to learn about evil dictators? Let us not forget that those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it. I’m not saying that knowing about the episode of The Golden Girls where Blanche’s much younger fitness instructor asks her out will inspire genius in today’s youth, but maybe Mussolini wouldn’t have been such a power-hungry asshole if he’d had more laughs as a young boy.

MY NANA REFUSED to leave her modest five-room ranch-style home in Methuen, Massachusetts, even well into her nineties. She was mowing her own lawn in her eighties and precariously kneeling on her kitchen counter to paint her cabinets to relieve boredom. She walked down flights of stairs while she was dizzy from her high blood pressure medication so that she could get to the laundry room in the basement. My mom and my uncle tried to get her to stop—but short of moving in with Nana and sitting on her, they couldn’t wrangle her. It’s easier to get a feral cat into a carrier than it was to get my nana to move into an assisted-living facility or stop keeping her cash hidden in tinfoil in the bottom drawer of her stove.

After she suffered a rather touch-and-go bout with pneumonia in her midnineties, I really thought Nana would finally acquiesce to a nice assisted-living facility. But she balked at the idea of even going to physical therapy to get her knees working again. “Rehab?” she said. “No. I’m not going to rehab and sit around with a bunch of druggies.”

Nana eventually allowed a visiting nurse to come check in on her once a day but it ended up exhausting her more than helping, because she spent so much time cleaning her house in preparation for the visit—or, as she referred to it, “this rude woman who barges into my house and wakes me up when I’m sleeping and asks me about my poop.”

Maybe it’s a generational thing. Nana, after living as a widow for over thirty years, took great pride in running her own household. No man was there to tell her what to cook for dinner—or even to cook dinner. She’d given her life to her husband and her children and she wasn’t about to relinquish authority over her own remote control to some caretakers in an assisted-living facility. She was free to have a dinner of black tea and saltines while listening to her favorite radio show about aliens and conspiracy theories. Unlike my nana, I would live in an assisted-living facility now if my health insurance would cover it.

I used to tap-dance in nursing homes when I was in middle school—because I was both a humanitarian and a giant loser. Sure, people were drooling and struggling to hold their own heads up, but they seemed so happy in their oblivion, their only responsibility to clap and make the buck-toothed girl with the too far apart eyes feel good about herself. Or maybe they actually enjoyed my tap interpretation of Elvis Presley’s “Blue Suede Shoes.” I think it must have been the drugs.

I have a nice apartment. It’s spacious and I love my furniture and my framed magazine covers from the 1960s that adorn my walls, but if someone offered me the opportunity to live in a luxury hotel with an on-call nurse to sponge-bathe me and open my mail, I’d say, “See ya later, dust den.” The thought of living somewhere where I’m brought pills that make me sleepy and I’m seated in front of live entertainment every afternoon at four o’clock makes me all misty because, unless I fake a nervous breakdown, I’m very far from the age where such accommodations are appropriate. I definitely want to be taken care of when I’m old—by a team of people who hand out heating pads and pudding for a living. If I have a kid just for the sake of having a late-life nursemaid and he grows up to be a web designer, what good is he? He doesn’t have a prescription pad or a stable of teenage-but-legal boys who are willing to “dance” for an old lady.