Sam Paul - Why I Committed Suicide

The cops found half of a joint behind my TV and now I’m in fucking jail again with another marijuana misdemeanor and while I was in handcuffs I bitched those cock sucking bastards up and down as they stood and collaborated on their story to say they could see I had marijuana in the house before they entered the front door. This was because the half-joint they found was behind the damn TV and my TV was off to the side behind the door, which would make it impossible for them to see without entering the premises. So it looks like I’m going to get screwed over again because the cops always support each others’ “plain view” story and I have a prior criminal record. So what if it goes against the FOURTH AMMEDMENT TO THE CONSTITUTION OF THE UNITED STATES! Denton County is so corrupt and this is just another reason why their 99% conviction rate is currently under investigation by the federal government. It’s a fucked up system. You can wait six months in jail to go to trial and be proven innocent or plead Nolo Contendre, do thirty days and go home. It’s pathetic how easily they’ve psychologically worn me down and I HATE THEM for it! I’ve learned so much in the past year. All I had was a one-fucking-percent chance, baby! 1%!

Jenifer is taking it personally that I’m in here again, she feels abandoned and that’s the hardest part. With the money she got from the insurance in the accident she now has a brand new Saturn equipped with a special handle that let’s her drive it around town using just her hands. She got about $100,000 from the wreck and that was only because of the extra insurance my parents had bought protecting against paralysis due to an auto accident. If it hadn’t been me driving she wouldn’t have gotten anything extra, but that’s small consolation given the big picture. I think she got scammed and could have sued them for more but that’s another thing I was left out of the loop on. I’ve pretty much been removed from her life by everyone else that’s close to her now. Even the dopeman won’t see me anymore without her there.

I was so happy to hear she got a car, it means some sort of freedom for her and things at her house are bad with her Dad. He’s actually using her injury to try and control her when he should be trying to encourage her to use her freedom. It is more bad news and now she doesn’t have the same confidence in herself that she always used to say “fuck it” and move away from him. Even her mom who should have left him by now is staying to be with Jen. Jen is Jen. Still feisty and I want her so much. Her habit’s gotten so bad that when I get out this time I reallywant to stop, I have to stop for her sake.

Intake into jail is the worst part of getting arrested. There is so much uncer-tainty—so much unpredictability. Anything can happen. Drunk men wake up next to stainless steel toilets with a black man’s dangling penis pissing inches from their face. Drugs, fights, broken bones and just the waiting. The hurry up and waiting.

I wrote this down on a scrap of paper while I was going starting to go through withdrawals in the 72 hour tank. Sorry if it’s not very coherent:

I saw a kid come in while I was in still the holding tank. He was still trying to find someone to bail his ass out, but finally coming to accept he might be staying awhile. Like I mentioned, the holding tank is a very smelly overcrowded place. Young kids in for piddly shit are mixed in with all the big boys who violated theirparole and are going back down south to Hutchins, Tennessee Colony or any one of the other farms. I guess if you know you’ll be out relatively soon and you are young, jail seems alright at first. You can complain about how much it sucks and then go home after a short stint, but the other long-term guys are quiet. Staring and keeping to themselves. Wondering if maybe this is the time they go down for good and don’t ever come out.

So while I was in there, one of the old timers is on the floor (overcrowding) on his mat, sleeping and snoring his ass off. Well I guess all the snoring is bothering this one young kid or he’s still on drugs or something because he walks around waking people up to tell them they are snoring and asking them to stop or rollover on their side or whatever, who knows? I’m watching as he does this a few times and a couple of people do wake up, mumble an apology, roll over and go back to sleep.

Note: a lot of black people sleep on their back and snore like crazy.

Note: a lot of people snore.

Anyway, the kid finally gets around to this grizzled old white guy snoring on his mat in the corner and he’s reaching down to shake him awake (the guy is still sawing logs, dead asleep) when the guy suddenly grabs the kid around the neck in his sleep and shoots a fist right at him. The guy was instantly awake and didn’t hit him, but the kid nearly crapped his pants right there. I could actually see the look in the kids eyes go from good natured, to this is serious, in a fraction of a millisecond. It was kind of funny but I knew enough to stay out of it. The old guy talked some pretty serious shit to the kid and then went back to bed, snoring just as loud as ever and the kid found someone to post his bail first thing in the morning.

Jen went ahead and bonded me out for the marijuana arrest even though I asked her not to. I mean I secretly wanted her to get me the hell out of there of course, but after about a month in general population, having already kicked the worst of the withdrawals from heroin, I didn’t see much point. I figured I would be going to court soon and that I would just get time served or a few more days. Jenifer went through so much to get the bit of money that she has, it just isn’t worth wasting it by bonding out a bum like me.

I can see in her eyes now that she doesn’t trust me, but that might be for the best since apparently I can’t even trust myself to do the right thing anymore. I just wish she would stop doing dope, we’re another Orpheus and Eurydice and I can’t help but look behind me to check on her. I mailed her a lot of letters from jail, just like before, but I can still tell I’m losing my “Azami flower.” For some reason most people have to have direct contact with me to be reminded of why they love me, but I don’t want my personality to be defined by my presence any longer. Whatever empathic “ability” I have to charm, talk, or get through to people isn’t worth shit if the substance of my essence doesn’t last. Every girlfriend I’ve ever had has been surprised that I can actually think coherently once they get to know me, but now I feel that the same abandonment issues and the “being the butt of all rumors” thing that happened with all my friends is now happening in Jen’s mind too.

Her car is cool, it has a sunroof and everything. The special hand control that allows her to use it like a regular car—Saturn installs it for free if you need them and the contraption still lets a non-handicapped person get in and drive it like a regular car without having to adjust anything. Very cool.

Jen has made friends with this girl named Lori who I don’t particularly care for. Lori’s a stocky Mexican girl who kind of slowly became Jenifer’s new partner in any shoplifting endeavors and anything else that makes quick cash. Lori sees me as an intrusive asshole ruining the good thing they have going together and I just see her as another innocent getting lured into the perils of the H lifestyle without knowing it. While I’ve been away, Lori and Jen have developed their own pattern of going to score and now that I’m out of jail I’m not really included. It’s a blessing for me in a way but very bad juju for Jen in the long run. While I was in jail, Jenifer wrecked her white Saturn while she was fucked up with Lori and by the next week her insurance company already got her a brand new red replacement. She thought it was funny trying to explain to the ambulance drivers that she couldn’t move her legs but that it was okay because they already didn’t move. It was a funny story, but it is also was a sad reminder to me that nobody’s really there watching out for her anymore. Oh Jenifer, don’t do what I’m doing, please stay alive for me, even if I’m being hypocritical.