Sam Paul - Why I Committed Suicide

That’s where we disagree. The ending to that story would be disastrous. The sting of shallow relationships and harmless hormonal partners fueling your propensity to self destruction. The first instinct when inevitable attachment ensued between us was to push me away. So now that you ’ve been hooked and escape is nearly impossible, despite your rogue desire, are the childhood barriers again in place? You feel weak yet I see strength. I say strength and you believe I wouldn’t know about it. It doesn’t matter what I see or think though, it’s the feelings you are feeling that are primal and dancing around now, demanding compliance. It isn’t getting any easier to be empathic. I might need to seriously look into taking the mind-menders again.

Scaredy cat, scaredy cat. ASK ME WHO/WHAT I SEE. SAW, SEE, SAW SEESAW SEESAWSEESAW.

I’ve concluded that losing weight is all about learning to use the body as an instrument instead of the other way around. My body constantly tries to be in control. My body will try to be the boss because it has the ability to tell my brain, even lie to my brain, that it’s in pain. Whether it’s pain that comes from hunger, exercise, lack of sleep, or the need to get more drugs, my fucking body is getting better at telling MY brain about its problems, like a whiny bitch whore girlfriend. I think there are only two true ways for people to lose weight (other than cancer or other terminal factors of course), and the body rebels with its pain stimulation no matter which method a person tries. You can either increase activity cycles and maintain current calorie consumption, or you can decrease your calorie intake. Yes, simplistic. The best way of course is to exercise and maintain your current calorie usage, that way your body remains relatively comfortable because it’s technically receiving its usual amount of nourishment and you don’t run the risk of becoming food obsessive. The body will try and counter your efforts by demanding to eat more at first, but you have to realize you are in charge and you have to be aware that your body will try to trick you into eating more favorites (cravings) or more high-octane foodstuffs. It is not uncommon to casually pick up 3-4 candy bars and eat them on the way home from the grocery store without giving it a second thought. In the dull haze of everyday life where high calorie food is readily available it is easy to tune out what and when we are eating. Our bodies manipulate us. We are used to it. When we feel sleepy we rest. When we feel hungry we eat. Some people are blessed with a skinny metabolism but most of us will pack it on during times of plenty, and if you live in the U.S. you have always lived in times of plenty.

Drugs are the same way. The U.S. is in times of plenty but I can’t seem to mentally convince my body to cut down on consumption anymore. I guess since I’ve finally found the one drug that I’m not disappointed with and I’m in way the fuck over my head.

I’ve heard it said that doing heroin is the closest a person will ever truly get to Heaven while on our feeble, frightened little Earth. The sad part is that now I know first-hand that it is true. If heroin hits you just the right way the first time you ever do “just a little too much”, then you’ve tasted the slightest drop of juice from the fruit of the Almighty. To get to the point where a person is a heroin user and gets a “habit,” there’s a lot of initial experimenting and wasting and puking and hurt to go through, which is followed by some self-loathing, confusion and so on. Those aspects of the drug should be sufficient warning; but who would have known that once you hit the fucking zone with the shit, you will always want to feel that warmth and love? It’s seeing something that you can never ignore or un-see again. That’s gotta be why H is the called the devil’s drug. It’s Mr. Beelzebub’s synthetic simulation for mankind that says, “Hey, this is all you need.” Maybe that’s why I’m losing my soul trying to get it?

Imagine the emptiness that the devil feels every day, pining for God’s adoration and maybe you can understand why he loves to see us ache with the same desire for a mere fraction of the awesome power and love he once felt before inciting the war in heaven and being cast out.

I’m seething inside today, filled again with anger I’ve slowly been dissipating by relaxing and settling down with Jenifer. There’s this flare of evil temper I have in me that is rarely used anymore, except for the occasional bout of road rage and that’s mostly just to hear myself rant. My mood swings have become bothersome to me.

Life is entropy, or should I say entropic? The rut that Jenifer and I have fallen into is not a good place to be in. Our love for each other has enabled us to merge into a single package that sustains us now between the shallow peak moments of excitement. I suppose our dissatisfaction with life is just realizing the pointless-ness of everything and being weighed down makes it hard to envision a brighter future. Neither one of us wants to raise a family, which I think is really the only non-material excuse to join the rest of the worker ants scuttling around in society. Up here at college, surrounded by like-minded slackers, it’s easy to believe we might just slip through the cracks and be able to follow our dream of being rich so that we can be left alone and free. I guess being beautiful and used to having things come to us so easily is finally causing the fates to slowly put us in our proper place of disgrace. I see nothing but hard lessons ahead and I don’t want the pain that teaches wisdom. Did I ask for wisdom, because I think I specifically asked to be happily dumb?

Things are slowing down. The onset of finals and summer leave me full of questions about our future. The drugs are slowing us down. The seemingly harmless prowling nature required to hunt down smack is about to pounce on us unawares. I suppose Jen and I technically have small little “manageable” habits now and it feels as if a smiling vampire is slowly draining us of life. We’re still close to each other, perhaps closer than ever, but sleeping in her big bed creates gaps.

A few pleasures still manage to creep in, the vitality of sleeping late on cold mornings under thick blankets and the orange glow that comes in through the passenger window in Jenifer’s car going South on I-35 at sunset. Of course there’s only one reason to travel south down 35 now, so even my smallest pleasures are tinged with a black shadow. More and more it seems our usual sex and intimacy that kept us connected is foregone for the sanitized hollow pleasure heroin brings. For the first time I am actually wondering what it would be like to separate from each other, and even considering that thought, however briefly, hurts me to the core. Am I being clingy? Am I nervous? Yeah. What is it like to lose a wife when there has never been another? I love her eyes, smile, hair, stomach and goofy walk. I’ve made her my friend of friends, excluding most others, but dope is now a part of what we do and it’s only good because we do it together.

Bad News: I finally got caught doing one of the scams I’ve been running in order to pick up a little extra cash on the side to maintain my habit. For months now I’ve been lifting video games for fun and also stealing overpriced CD’s to return for cash from this store called Hastings Records & Tapes. They have a super high-tech security system installed, but the employees there are on sleepwalk mode, so all I have to do is go around the store and pick out a bunch of new shit, then I set them by the door and on my way out I reach around the metal detector and walk out. No alarms or fuss is involved and the employees are all underpaid college stiffs who wouldn’t give a fuck about the company getting ripped off anyway. After getting a handful of merchandise Jenifer and I usually drive off as soon as we can. She parks around the corner and keeps the car running in case something happens and I have to bolt out the door. Sometimes we’ll just do a circle around the parking lot and Jenifer will go in and return the shit I’ve just stolen, saying the discs were a gift from a parent and she doesn’t have the receipt. It happens everyday in that store since we’re in a college town and getting the cash back from 4 CD’s is an easy eighty bucks these days. Sometimes I’ll go back in and get the cash myself and just say it’s was a present from an aunt who doesn’t have good taste in CD’s and ask “can I return or exchange this.” If the clerk is a prick and makes me exchange anything they’ll just give me a receipt for the new merchandise I pick out and then I can take it another store and return it there legitimately. It’s always easy fucking money. Too easy of course.