Sam Paul - Why I Committed Suicide

Surprise, surprise. She grew up and he grew up and 6 years later on they’re both on vacation in Oregon and end up sitting less than ten feet from each other at a Grateful Dead concert. Both Kristoff and I could tell something was wrong before she told us, but instead of beating the piss out of the bastard like I always imagined I would, I got scared. Physically hurting him would not have been a problem. I had the size on him and the anger was definitely there for a beat-down, but I got scared, interestingly enough, for her. I knew she was tripping really hard and I was afraid that being confronted by this old trauma would cause her to have a mental breakdown and flip out like some bad sixties horror story. It was such a strange situation going from a peaceful and loving drugged-out state to being thrust into a situation where I didn’t know how to react. It all happened so quickly. When I looked at Kristoff he looked really scared for her too. Fortunately Jenifer has one of the strangest personalities I know. She’s got a measure of control not many people could ever attain, though I could tell the discipline this time was fragile at best, so we shuffled her off towards the porta potties.

Later she told me that being at the “Grateful Dead” show surrounded by so much happiness and good vibes was the only place it seemed okay for a fucke—up confrontation like that to occur. I asked her if she wanted me to find him and beat his ass but she said “no” and fortunately for him (or me) the malicious looks shot in his direction made him back off during the show. His reacting like a wounded dog told me that he knew he was guilty in his soul and the darting of his eyes confirmed it. I can’t really comprehend why he would try and play it off, the fucking nerve of introducing himself as if nothing ever happened. Maybe that’s what the fucker has been trying to tell himself all these years. Maybe coming face-to-face with hostility will force him to finally confront his actions without the benefit of rationalization and he’ll blow his brains out in a bus station bathroom. In retrospect I’ll probably always regret that I didn’t react more violently, but like I said, I was more concerned about Jenifer’s well being.

The show didn’t seem so bright to me after that. Instead of losing myself in the music and sunshine, my protective parental instinct kicked in. The way a parent loses the ability to be free when he or she has their first child. Gone was my piece of a piece of subconscious that naturally keeps a person from being in a situation that renders them unable to protect their loved one.

We made it through the rest of the show. The music was great. Jerry was really on today. I don’t know how to describe a Grateful Dead concert on paper. Unless someone’s experienced a show personally it’s really an indescribable experience, so I will have to hold these memories close to my heart. It’s too bad one asshole had to fuck some of it up.

Afterwards, I walked down Shakedown Street and just took in the sights, knowing most of these people would soon be moving with us south to California. I tried to find some opium but the one guy who said he was selling it didn’t look quite right, so I passed him by. I’m running low on money anyway, have enough to make it to San Fran but not much else. I’ve already bought a lot of souvenirs including a cool “Steal Your Face” patch for $1 and a tie-dyed tour shirt for $5.

Now to the good part. Right around sunset I was walking around the parking lot by myself just processing the days events, contemplating prematurely moving to the wonderful state of Oregon and maybe even feeling a little melancholy for no particular reason. Watching everyone pack up their wares in preparation for next week’s shows reminded me that we have to leave this place soon. I bought 10 sticks of incense for $1—there are some incredible vendors of handmade incense on tour. The guy who sold it to me was packing up his stuff and since I was his last sale of the day he gave me a rambling lecture, one for which I wasn’t really in the mood…about why his fresh incense is infinitely better than store bought incense…but I didn’t pay much attention. I walked back to the tent area in hopes of finding Jenifer, who I had tried to leave alone for a while so she could get her head together. I handed everybody a burning stick of incense, stuck several in the ground around us and sat down to watch the sunset with Jen. Both of us were feeling sad because we would be going in separate directions come tomorrow. I was sitting on the green moist grass, my legs forming a “V” in front of me, my arms around Jenifer who was sitting between my legs. We sat facing West and watched the most incredible sunset I’ve ever seen in my life.

I don’t know how to describe what happened then, but somehow with the sun melting into the horizon reflecting liquid gold off the high cumulous clouds in the sky, somehow with the first chill of the nighttime breeze nipping the air, the smell of various incense around us, somehow with my arms around her belly and my head on her shoulder, my lips breathing warm air on her neck and her hair tickling my nose, I pulled a piece of her soul into me and intertwined our lives forever. Oblivious to whichever people might have been around us at that time, during those moments it was just Sam and Jenifer and the bounty of the world smiling down on us with approval.

Although technically it was not love at first sight, happiness filled a space in my heart that I didn’t know existed, and I didn’t know it existed until I knew that she loved me. I knew at that moment, despite whatever reservations may have existed previously, she loved me more intensely than anybody she had claimed to love before. I wanted the moment to go on forever. I felt that we were as close to perfect harmony as two people can ever be. Spirals of light pure air and DNA were swirling around us with a host of angles fusing our souls.

Now I know that instead of being sad at having to separate tomorrow I’ll be excited at the prospect of seeing her again. Properly this time, with no more fear, because this time I know Jenifer will be waiting for me with equal anticipation.

There are 100,000 total marijuana smokers in the US, and most are Negroes, Hispanics, Filipinos and entertainers. Their Satanic music, jazz and swing, result from marijuana usage. This marijuana causes white women to seek sexual relations with Negroes, entertainers and any others.

Unfortunately the shows are officially over here. We pulled out this morning but most of the people had already moved on to the next pasture by the time we got going. Jenifer and I said our temporary goodbyes earlier (God she tastes just like a peach) and the powerful force that changed us into lovers last night hasn’t diminished with time. Several horny Sports Illustrated swimsuit models could parade by and I would have to politely refuse them all.

My crazy road mates got heavily tanked up on whippet juice aka hippy crank, from some guy walking around with a scuba tank of NO2 strapped to his back and some girl, who could barely stand, snorted some X in the back of our van before we left, but we finally made it out and onto the road incident free.

I mailed Jim & Kirk about 40 hits of acid, pressed between two football cards that came out of a McDonald’s happy meal to throw off the Nazi U.S. Postal Service dogs. I’m sure they will be very happy to get the tabs in the mail; it’s sort of a “thinking of you” postcard with a kick.

I’m no longer in love with just Oregon. Northern California is equally incredible, if not more so. I guess maybe I thought that the beauty would stop at the state line? The redwood forests here are incredible. Actually I think they are some other kind of tree besides redwoods, but they are equally gigantic and I don’t know the difference, so the redwoods here are phenomenal. Seeing them in pictures and hearing descriptions about how large they actually are did not prepare me for the reality of their immensity. I felt like an Ewok from “Return of the Jedi” but since it was filmed out here that’s sort of silly to say. I guess I should let it suffice to say that being dwarfed by these monsters gave me yet another conceptual realization of how mortal and insignificant humans really are. It’s no wonder Northern Cali has so many kooky nature cults.