Дебора Кертис - Touching From a Distance

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«Touching From A Distance» — это первое погружение в жизнь вокалиста Joy Division Йена Кертиса, задокументированное его вдовой Деборой. Эта книга — взгляд от первого лица, рассказ о юности манчестерского музыканта с момента А первой встречи до последних суток. Отношения Деборы и Йена — холодная война длиной в десять лет, кончившаяся суицидом и посмертной славой. На русском языке публикуется впервые.

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I put my trust in you.

I put my trust in you.

I put my trust in you.

In you. In you. In you.

Put my trust in you, in you.

Heart and Soul (1980)

Instincts that can still betray us,

A journey that leads to the sun,

Soulless and bent on destruction,

A struggle between right and wrong.

You take my place in the showdown,

I’ll observe with a pitiful eye,

I’d humbly ask for forgiveness,

A request well beyond you and I.

Heart and soul, one will burn.

Heart and soul, one will burn.

An abyss that laughs at creation,

A circus complete with all fools,

Foundations that lasted the ages,

Then ripped apart at their roots.

Beyond all this good is the terror,

The grip of a mercenary hand,

When savagery turns all good reason,

There’s no turning back, no last stand.

Heart and soul, one will burn.

Heart and soul, one will burn.

Existence well what does it matter?

I exist on the best terms I can.

The past is now part of my future,

The present is well out of hand.

The present is well out of hand.

Heart and soul, one will burn.

Heart and soul, one will burn.

One will burn, one will burn.

Heart and soul, one will burn.

Twenty-four Hours (1980)

So this is permanence, love’s shattered pride.

What once was innocence, turned on its side.

A cloud hangs over me, marks every move,

Deep in the memory, of what once was love.

Oh how I realised how I wanted time,

Put into perspective, tried so hard to find,

Just for one moment, thought I’d found my way.

Destiny unfolded, I watched it slip away.

Excessive flashpoints, beyond all reach,

Solitary demands for all I’d like to keep.

Let’s take a ride out, see what we can find,

A valueless collection of hopes and past desires.

I never realised the lengths I’d have to go,

All the darkest corners of a sense I didn’t know.

lust for one moment, I heard somebody call,

Looked beyond the day in hand, there’s nothing there at all.

Now that I’ve realised how it’s all gone wrong,

Gotta find some therapy, this treatment takes too long.

Deep in the heart of where sympathy held sway,

Gotta find my destiny, before it gets too late.

The Eternal (1980)

Procession moves on, the shouting is over,

Praise to the glory of loved ones now gone.

Talking aloud as they sit round their tables,

Scattering flowers washed down by the rain.

Stood by the gate at the foot of the garden,

Watching them pass like clouds in the sky,

Try to cry out in the heat of the moment,

Possessed by a fury that burns from inside.

Cry like a child, though these years make me older,

With children my time is so wastefully spent,

A burden to keep, though their inner communion,

Accept like a curse an unlucky deal.

Played by the gate at the foot of the garden,

My view stretches out from the fence to the wall,

No words could explain, no actions determine,

Just watching the trees and the leaves as they fall.

Decades (1980)

Here are the young men, the weight on their shoulders,

Here are the young men, well where have they been?

We knocked on the doors of Hell’s darker chamber,

Pushed to the limit, we dragged ourselves in,

Watched from the wings as the scenes were replaying,

We saw ourselves now as we never had seen.

Portrayal of the trauma and degeneration,

The sorrows we suffered and never were free.

Where have they been?

Where have they been?

Where have they been?

Where have they been?

Weary inside, now our heart’s lost forever,

Can’t replace the fear, or the thrill of the chase,

Each ritual showed up the door for our wanderings,

Open then shut, then slammed in our face.

Where have they been?

Where have they been?

Where have they been?

Where have they been?

Komakino (1980)

This is the hour when the mysteries emerge.

A strangeness so hard to reflect.

A moment so moving, goes straight to your heart,

The vision has never been met.

The attraction is held like a weight deep inside,

Something I’ll never forget.

The pattern is set, her reaction will start,

Complete but rejected too soon.

Looking ahead in the grip of each fear,

Recalls the life that we knew.

The shadow that stood by the side of the road,

Always reminds me of you.

How can I find the right way to control,

All the conflict inside, all the problems beside,

As the questions arise, and the answers don’t fit,

Into my way of things,

Into my way of things.

She’s Lost Control (extended version)

Confusion in her eyes that said it all.

She’s lost control.

And she’s clinging to the nearest passer by,

She’s lost control.

And she gave away the secrets of her past,

And said I’ve lost control again,

And of a voice that told her when and where to act,

She said I’ve lost control again.

And she turned to me and took me by the hand and said,

I’ve lost control again.

And how I’ll never know just why or understand,

She said I’ve lost control again.

And she screamed out kicking on her side and said,

I’ve lost control again.

And seized up on the floor, I thought she’d die.

She said I’ve lost control again.

She’s lost control again.

She’s lost control.

She’s lost control again.

She’s lost control.

Well I had to ’phone her friend to state her case,

And say she’s lost control again.

And she showed up all the errors and mistakes.

And said I’ve lost control again.

But she expressed herself in many different ways,

Until she lost control again.

And walked upon the edge of no escape,

And laughed I’ve lost control again.

She’s lost control again.

She’s lost control.

She’s lost control again.

She’s lost control.

I could live a little better with the myths and the lies,

When the darkness broke in, I just broke down and cried.

I could live a little in a wider line,

When the change is gone, when the urge is gone,

To lose control. When here we come.

Something Must Break (1980)

Two ways to choose,

On a razors edge,

Remain behind,

Go straight ahead.

Room full of people, room for just one,

If I can’t break out now, the time just won’t come.

Two ways to choose,

Which way to go,

Decide for me,

Please let me know.

Looked in the mirror, saw I was wrong,

If I could get back to where I belong, where I belong.

Two ways to choose,

Which way to go,

Had thoughts for one

Designs for both.

But we were immortal, we were not there,

Washed up on the beaches, struggling for air.

I see your face still in my window,

Torments yet calms, won’t set me free,

Something must break now,

This life isn’t mine,

Something must break now,

Wait for the time,

Something must break.

Ceremony (1980)

This is why events unnerve me,

They find it all, a different story,

Notice whom for wheels are turning,

Turn again and turn towards this time,

All she ask’s the strength to hold me,

Then again the same old story,

Word will travel, oh so quickly,

Travel first and lean towards this time.

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