Seumas MacManus: Donegal Fairy Tales

“Shamus, Shamus,” says a voice in his ears, “what are you cryin’ about now?”

Poor Shamus lifted his head and looked around, and there beside him stood the Wee Red Man.

“O!” says Shamus, says he, “don’t mind asking me,” he says, “for it’s no use in telling you what’s the matter with me now. You may build a castle for me,” says he, “and you may bring oceans and rivers to it, and trees and birds; but you couldn’t do anything to help me now.”

“How do you know that?” said the Wee Red Man.

“O, I know it well,” says Shamus, says he, “you couldn’t give me the thing that never was an’ never will be!”

“Well,” says the Wee Red Man, says he, “tell me what it is anyhow. If I can’t do you any good, sure I can’t do you any harm.”

So, to relieve his mind, Shamus ups and tells him that Prince Connal had ordered him, within twenty-four hours, to have at his castle door a plaisham. “But,” says Shamus, says he, “there never was such a thing as that.”

“Sure enough,” says the Wee Red Man, “there never was. But still, if Prince Connal wants it, we must try to get it for him. This night, Shamus,” says the Wee Red Man, says he, “go to the head of the Glen of the Fairies, to the sciog bush [Fairy thorn], where you’ll find a bone ring hanging on a branch of the thorn. Take it with you back home. When you get home, young Rory will be chatting with your wife in the kitchen. Don’t you go in there, but go into the byre [cowshed], and put the ring in the cow’s nose; then lie quiet, and you’ll soon have a plaisham to drive to Prince Connal’s castle door.”

Shamus thanked the Wee Red Man, and that night he went to the head of the Glen of the Fairies, and sure enough, he found the ring hanging from one of the branches of the sciog bush. He took it with him, and started for home. When he looked in through the kitchen window, there he saw Nancy and Rory sitting over the fire, chatting and confabbing about how they would get rid of him; but he said nothing, only went into the byre. He put the ring into the brannet cow’s nose, and as soon as the ring went into it, the cow began to kick and rear and create a great tendherary of a noise entirely. Then Shamus got in under some hay in the corner.

It was no time at all until Nancy was out to find what was wrong with the brannet cow. She struck the cow with her fist to quiet her, but when she hit her, her fist stuck to the cow, and she could not get away.

Rory had come running out after Nancy to help her, and Nancy called: “Rory, Rory, pull me away from the cow.”

Rory got hold of her to pull her away, but as he did so his hands stuck to Nancy, and he could not get away himself.

Up then jumped Shamus from under the hay in the corner. “Hup, Hup!” says Shamus, says he, “drive on the plaisham.”

And out of the byre starts the cow with Nancy stuck to her, and Rory stuck to that, and heads toward the castle, with the cow rearing and rowting, and Nancy and Rory yelling and bawling. They made a terrible din entirely, and roused the whole countryside, who flocked out to see what was the matter.

Down past Rory’s house the cow went, and Rory’s mother, seeing him sticking to Nancy, ran out to pull him away; but when she laid her hand on Rory, she stuck to him; and “Hup, Hup!” says Shamus, says he, “drive on the plaisham.”

So on they went. And Rory’s father ran after them to pull the mother away; but when he laid his hands on the mother, he stuck to her; and “Hup, Hup!” says Shamus, “drive on the plaisham.”

On again they went, and next they passed where a man was cleaning out his byre. When the man saw the ridiculous string of them, he flung a graip [fork] and a graipful of manure at them, and it stuck to Rory’s father; and “Hup, Hup!” says Shamus, says he, “drive on the plaisham.” But the man ran after to save his graip, and when he got hold of the graip, he stuck to it; and “Hup, Hup!” says Shamus, says he, “drive on the plaisham.”

On they went; and a tailor came flying out of his house with his lap-board in his hand. He struck the string of them with the lap-board, the lap-board stuck to the last man, and the tailor stuck to it; and “Hup, Hup!” says Shamus, says he, “drive on the plaisham.”

Then they passed a cobbler’s. He ran out with his heel-stick, and struck the tailor; but the heel-stick stuck to the tailor, and the cobbler stuck to the heel-stick; and “Hup, Hup!” says Shamus, says he, “drive on the plaisham.”

Then on they went, and they next passed a blacksmith’s forge. The blacksmith ran out, and struck the cobbler with his sledge. The sledge stuck to the cobbler, and the blacksmith stuck to the sledge; and “Hup, Hup!” says Shamus, says he, “drive on the plaisham.”

When they came near the castle, they passed a great gentleman’s house entirely, and the gentleman came running out, and got hold of the blacksmith to pull him away; but the gentleman stuck to the blacksmith, and could not get away himself; and “Hup, Hup!” says Shamus, says he, “drive on the plaisham.”

The gentleman’s wife, seeing him stuck, ran after her man to pull him away; but the wife stuck to the gentleman; and “Hup, Hup!” says Shamus, says he, “drive on the plaisham.”

Then their children ran after them to pull the mother away, and they stuck to the mother; and “Hup, Hup!” says Shamus, says he, “drive on the plaisham.”

Then the butler ran to get hold of the children, and he stuck to them; and the footman ran to get hold of the butler, and stuck to him; and the cook ran to get hold of the footman, and stuck to him; and the servants all ran to get hold of the cook, and they stuck to her; and “Hup, Hup!” says Shamus, says he, “drive on the plaisham.” And on they went; and when they came up to the castle, the plaisham was a mile long, and the yelling and bawling and noise that they made could be heard anywhere within the four seas of Ireland. The racket was so terrible that Prince Connal and all his guests and all his servants and all in his house came running to the windows to see what was the matter, at all, at all; and when Prince Connal saw what was coming to his house, and heard the racket they were raising, he yelled to his Prime Minister to go and drive them off with a whip.

The Prime Minister ran meeting them, and took the whip to them; but the whip stuck to them, and he stuck to the whip; and “Hup, Hup!” says Shamus, says he, “drive on the plaisham.”

Then Prince Connal ordered out all his other ministers and all of his servants to head it off and turn it away from his castle; but every one of the servants that got hold of it stuck to it; and “Hup, Hup!”says Shamus, says he, “drive on the plaisham.”

And the plaisham moved on still for the castle. Then Prince Connal himself, with all his guests, ran out to turn it away ; but when Prince Connal laid hands on the plaisham, he stuck to it; and when his guest laid hands on him, they stuck one by one to him; and “Hup, Hup!” says Shamus, says he, “drive on the plaisham.”

And with all the racket and all the noise of the ranting, roaring, rearing, and rawting, in through the castle hall-door drove the plaisham, through and through and out at the other side. The castle itself fell down and disappeared, the bone ring rolled away from the cow’s nose, and the plaisham all at once broke up, and when Prince Connal looked around, there was no castle at all, only the sod hut, and he went into it a sorry man.

And all the others slunk off home, right headily ashamed of themselves, for the whole world was laughing at them. Nancy, she went east; and Rory, he went west; and neither one of them was ever heard of more. As for Shamus, he went home to his own little cabin, and lived all alone, happy and contented, for the rest of his life, and may you and I do the same.