Roald Dahl - James and the Giant Peach

"What absolute nonsense!" cried the Earthworm. "Nothing is ever all right in the end, and well you know it!"

"Poor Earthworm," the Ladybug said, whispering in James's ear. "He loves to make everything into a disaster. He hates to be happy. He is only happy when he is gloomy. Now isn't that odd? But then, I suppose just being an Earthworm is enough to make a person pretty gloomy, don't you agree?"

"If this peach is not going to sink," the Earthworm was saying, "and if we are not going to be drowned, then every one of us is going to starve to death instead. Do you realize that we haven't had a thing to eat since yesterday morning?"

"By golly, he's right!" cried the Centipede. "For once, Earthworm is right!"

"Of course I'm right," the Earthworm said. "And we're not likely to find anything around here either. We shall get thinner and thinner and thirstier and thirstier, and we shall all die a slow and grisly death from starvation. I am dying already. I am slowly shriveling up for want of food. Personally, I would rather drown."

"But good heavens, you must be blind !" said James.

"You know very well I'm blind," snapped the Earthworm. "There's no need to rub it in."

"I didn't mean that," said James quickly. "I'm sorry. But can't you see that -"

"See?" shouted the poor Earthworm. "How can I see if I am blind?"

James took a deep, slow breath. "Can't you realize," he said patiently, "that we have enough food here to last us for weeks and weeks?"

"Where?" they said. "Where?"

"Why, the peach, of course! Our whole ship is made of food!"

"Jumping Jehoshophat!" they cried. "We never thought of that!"

"My dear James," said the Old-Green-Grasshopper, laying a front leg affectionately on James's shoulder, "I don't know what we'd do without you. You are so clever. Ladies and gentlemen - we are saved again!"

"We are most certainly not!" said the Earthworm. "You must be crazy! You can't eat the ship! It's the only thing that is keeping us up!"

"We shall starve if we don't!" said the Centipede.

"And we shall drown if we do!" cried the Earthworm.

"Oh dear, oh dear," said the Old-Green-Grasshopper. "Now we're worse off than before!"

"Couldn't we just eat a little bit of it?" asked Miss Spider. "I am so dreadfully hungry."

"You can eat all you want," James answered. "It would take us weeks and weeks to make any sort of a dent in this enormous peach. Surely you can see that?"

"Good heavens, he's right again!" cried the Old-Green-Grasshopper, clapping his hands. "It would take weeks and weeks! Of course it would! But let's not go making a lot of holes all over the deck. I think we'd better simply scoop it out of that tunnel over there - the one that we've just come up by."

"An excellent idea," said the Ladybug.

"What are you looking so worried about, Earthworm?" the Centipede asked. "What's the problem?"

"The problem is…" the Earthworm said, "the problem is… well, the problem is that there is no problem!"

Everyone burst out laughing. "Cheer up, Earthworm! they said. "Come and eat!" And they all went over to the tunnel entrance and began scooping out great chunks of juicy, golden-colored peach flesh.

"Oh, marvelous!" said the Centipede, stuffing it into his mouth.

" Dee -licious!" said the Old-Green-Grasshopper.

"Just fabulous!" said the Glow-worm.

"Oh my!" said the Ladybug primly. "What a heavenly taste!" She looked up at James, and she smiled, and James smiled back at her. They sat down on the deck together, both of them chewing away happily. "You know, James," the Ladybug said, "up until this moment, I have never in my life tasted anything except those tiny little green flies that live on rosebushes. They have a perfectly delightful flavor. But this peach is even better."

"Isn't it glorious!" Miss Spider said, coming over to join them. "Personally, I had always thought that a big, juicy, caught-in-the-web bluebottle was the finest dinner in the world - until I tasted this."

"What a flavor!" the Centipede cried. "It's terrific! There's nothing like it! There never has been! And I should know because I personally have tasted all the finest foods in the world!" Whereupon, the Centipede, with his mouth full of peach and with juice running down all over his chin, suddenly burst into song:

"I've eaten many strange and scrumptious dishes in my time,

Like jellied gnats and dandyprats and earwigs cooked in slime,

And mice with rice - - they're really nice

When roasted in their prime.

(But don't forget to sprinkle them with just a pinch of grime.)

"I've eaten fresh mudburgers by the greatest cooks there are,

And scrambled dregs and stinkbugs' eggs and hornets stewed in tar,

And pails of snails and lizards' tails,

And beetles by the jar.

(A beetle is improved by just a splash of vinegar.)

"I often eat boiled slobbages. They're grand when served beside

Minced doodlebugs and curried slugs. And have you ever tried

Mosquitoes' toes and wampfish roes

Most delicately fried?

(The only trouble is they disagree with my inside.)

"I'm mad for crispy wasp-stings on a piece of buttered toast,

And pickled spines of porcupines. And then a gorgeous roast

Of dragon's flesh, well hung, not fresh - -

It costs a buck at most,

(And comes to you in barrels if you order it by post.)

"I crave the tasty tentacles of octopi for tea

I like hot-dogs, I LOVE hot-frogs, and surely you'll agree

A plate of soil with engine oil's

A super recipe.

(I hardly need to mention that it's practically free.)

"For dinner on my birthday shall I tell you what I chose:

Hot noodles made from poodles on a slice of garden hose - -

And a rather smelly jelly

Made of armadillo's toes.

(The jelly is delicious, but you have to hold your nose.)

"Now comes," the Centipede declared, "the burden of my speech:

These foods are rare beyond compare - - some are right out of reach;

But there's no doubt I'd go without

A million plates of each

For one small mite,

One tiny bite

Of this FANTASTIC PEACH! "

Everybody was feeling happy now. The sun was shining brightly out of a soft blue sky and the day was calm. The giant peach, with the sunlight glinting on its side, was like a massive golden ball sailing upon a silver sea.

"Look!" cried the Centipede just as they were finishing their meal. "Look at that funny thin black thing gliding through the water over there!"

They all swung around to look.

"There are two of them," said Miss Spider.

"There are lots of them!" said the Ladybug.

"What are they?" asked the Earthworm, getting worried.

"They must be some kind of fish," said the Old-Green-Grasshopper. "Perhaps they have come along to say hello."

"They are sharks!" cried the Earthworm. "I'll bet you anything you like that they are sharks and they have come along to eat us up!"

"What absolute rot!" the Centipede said, but his voice seemed suddenly to have become a little shaky, and he wasn't laughing.