Eoin Colfer: Artemis Fowl. The Arctic Incident

Sputa whirled on his ally. ‘Cudgeon! What does this mean?’

The generals advanced, hissing and spitting. ‘Treachery, Cudgeon! Treachery!’

Cudgeon was not unduly worried. ‘OK,’ he said. ‘Treachery.’

It took Cudgeon a moment to figure out what had happened. It was

Foaly. He must have recorded their conversation somehow. How tiresome.

Still, you had to hand it to the centaur. He was resourceful.

Cudgeon quickly crossed to the main console, shutting off the broadcast. It wouldn’t do for Opal to hear the rest of it. Particularly the part concerning her tragic accident. He really would have to cut out this grandstanding. Still, no matter. Everything was on track.

‘Treachery!’ hissed Scalene.

‘OK,’ admitted Cudgeon. ‘Treachery.’ And directly after that he said,

‘Computer, activate DNA cannons. Authorization Cudgeon B. Alpha alpha two two.’

On her hover chair, Opal spun with sheer joy, clapping her tiny hands in delight. Briar was sooo ugly, but he was sooo evil.

Throughout Koboi Labs, robot DNA cannons perked up in their cradles and ran swift self-diagnostics. Apart from a slight drain in the inner sanctum, everything was in order. And so, without further ado, they began to obey their program parameters and target anything with goblin DNA at a rate often blasts per second.

It was swift and, as with everything Koboi, efficient. In less than five seconds, the cannons settled back into their cradles. Mission accomplished: two hundred unconscious goblins throughout the facility.

‘Phew,’ said Holly, stepping over rows of snoring goblins. ‘Close one.’

‘Tell me about it,’ agreed Root.

Cudgeon kicked Sputa’s sleeping body.

‘You see, you haven’t accomplished anything, Artemis Fowl,’ he said, drawing his Redboy.

‘Your friends are out there. You’re in here. And the goblins are unconscious, soon to be mind-wiped with some particularly unstable chemicals. Just as I planned.’ He smiled at Opal hovering above them. ‘Just as we planned.’

Opal returned the smile.

At another time, Artemis would have been forced to pass a snide comment. But the possibility of imminent death was occupying his thoughts for the moment.

‘Now, I simply reprogram the cannons to target your friends, return power to the LEP cannons, and take over the world. And nobody can get in here to stop me.’

Of course, you should never say something like that, especially when you’re an arch-villain. It’s just asking for trouble.

Butler hurried down the corridor, catching up with the others outside the inner sanctum. He could see Artemis’s predicament through the door’s quartz pane. In spite of all his efforts, Master Artemis had still managed to place himself in mortal danger. How was a bodyguard supposed to do his job when his charge insisted on jumping into bear pits, so to speak?

Butler felt the testosterone building in his system. One door was all that separated him from Artemis. One little door, designed to withstand fairies with ray guns. He took several steps backwards.

Holly could tell what he was thinking. ‘Don’t bother. That door is reinforced.’

The manservant didn’t answer. He couldn’t. The real Butler was submerged beneath layers of adrenalin and brute force.

With a roar, Butler charged the entrance, concentrating all of his considerable might in the triangular point of his shoulder. It was a blow that would have felled a medium-sized hippopotamus. And while this door was tested for plasma dispersion and moderate physical resistance, it was certainly not Butler-proof. The metal portal crumpled like tin foil.

Butler’s momentum took him halfway across the inner sanctum’s rubber tiling. Holly and Root followed, pausing only to grab some Softnose lasers from the unconscious goblins.

Cudgeon moved fast, dragging Artemis upright. ‘Don’t move, any of you. Or I’ll kill the Mud Boy.’

Butler kept right on going. His last rational thought had been to disable Cudgeon. Now this was his sole aim in life. He raced forward, arms outstretched.

Holly dived desperately, latching on to Butler’s belt. He dragged her like a string of cans behind a wedding car.

‘Butler, stop,’ she grunted.

The bodyguard ignored her.

Holly hung on, digging in her heels. ‘Stop!’ she repeated, this time layering her voice with the mesmer.

Butler seemed to wake up. He shook the cave man from his system.

‘That’s right, Mud Man,’ said Cudgeon. ‘Listen to Captain Short. Surely we can work something out here.’

‘No deals, Briar,’ said Root. ‘It’s all over, so just put the Mud Boy down.’

Cudgeon cocked the Redboy. Til put him down all right.’

This was Butler’s worst nightmare. His charge was in the hands of a psychopath with nothing to lose. And there was nothing he could do about it.

A phone rang.

‘I think it’s mine,’ said Artemis automatically.

Another ring. Definitely his mobile phone. Amazing the thing worked at all really, considering what it had been through. Artemis ripped open the case.

‘Yes?’

It was one of those frozen moments. Nobody knew what to expect.

Artemis tossed the handset at Opal Koboi. ‘It’s for

The pixie swooped low to catch the tiny mobile phone. Cudgeon’s chest heaved. His body knew what was happening even if his brain hadn’t figured it out yet.

Opal placed the tiny speaker to her pointed ear.

‘— Really, Foaly,’ said Cudgeon’s voice. ‘Do you think I’d go to all this trouble to share power? Oh no. As soon as this charade is over, Miss Koboi will have a tragic accident. Perhaps several tragic accidents — ‘

All colour drained from Opal’s face. ‘You!’ she screeched.

‘It’s a trick!’ protested Cudgeon. ‘They’re trying to turn us against each other.’

But his eyes told the real story.

Pixies are feisty creatures, in spite of their size. They put up with so much and then explode. For Opal Koboi, it was explosion time. She manipulated the Hoverboy’s controls, dropping in a steep dive.

Cudgeon didn’t hesitate. He put two bursts into the chair, but the thick cushion protected its pilot.

Opal Koboi flew straight at her former partner. When the elf raised his arms to protect himself, Artemis slid to the floor. Briar Cudgeon was not so lucky. He became entangled in the Hoverboy’s safety rail and was borne aloft by the wildcat pixie. They whirled around the chamber ricocheting off several walls before crashing straight through the open plasma panel in the cannon

Pipe — Unfortunately for Cudgeon, the plasma was now active. He had activated it himself. But this irony did not occur to him as he was fried by a million radioactive tendrils.

Koboi was lucky. She was pitched from the hoverchair and lay moaning on the rubber tiles.

Butler was on the move before Cudgeon landed. He flipped Artemis over, checking his frame for wounds. A couple of scratches. Superficial.

Nothing a shot of blue sparks wouldn’t take care of.

Holly checked Opal Koboi’s status.

‘She conscious?’ asked the commander.

Koboi’s eyes flickered open. Holly shut them with a swift rabbit punch to the forehead. ‘Nope,’ she said innocently. ‘Out cold.’

Root took one look at Cudgeon and realized there was no point checking for vitals. Maybe he was better off. The alternative would have been a couple of centuries in Howler’s Peak.

Artemis noticed movement by the door. It was Mulch. He was grinning and waving. Waving goodbye, just in case Julius forgot about his two-day head start. The dwarf pointed to a blue canister mounted on a wall bracket and he was gone.

‘Butler,’ rasped Artemis, with the absolute last ounce of his strength.