T. Parker - Full Measure

Patrick stood at attention and looked down at the sprawling tan hills of Camp Pendleton. The October day was warm and the Pacific was a silver prairie in the distance. Around him stood the surviving men of the First Marine Division, Third Battalion, Fifth Regiment. In the grandstands before them were their families and friends, and those of the twenty-five Marines killed during the Three-Five’s most recent Afghanistan deployment. This “Dark Horse” battalion had taken the highest casualties of any Marine battalion in the war. Looking into the grandstand Patrick saw that many of the Gold Star family members — those who had lost sons — were quietly sobbing, dabbing their faces, trying to comfort one another. His parents and brother and Iris Cash sat near the front.

The battalion commander, a lieutenant colonel, told them that these Marines had done what Marines always do. “They took the fight to the enemy. And they won.” He spoke through a microphone and the hilltop breeze snatched his words from the speakers.

Patrick clearly remembered arriving in the Sangin District of Helmand Province. It looked like nothing he’d seen before, a strange combination of Arizona desert, Utah badlands, and the moon. Distances were great and deceiving. The stars and planets were wrong. The creatures were a puzzling mix of the familiar and the exotic. The spiders were impossibly huge and the little saw-scaled vipers were mean and poisonous.

His unit was greeted by desert and the river and acres of corn that would become poppies later in the season. Sangin schools were closed by Taliban order, the marketplace was almost completely unused, and Taliban flags flew everywhere he looked. The villagers were furtive and distrustful, clearly afraid to signal anything like cooperation with the Americans or the Afghan National Army. The roads were already studded with hidden IEDs. Patrick and the Dark Horses arrived to mortar fire whistling down on them, a Taliban welcome. And snipers. The bullets made a snapping sound when they went by his head, and only later did he hear the distant report of the gun. Sometimes he saw smoke up in the rocks and sometimes shooters far, far away, unreal in shimmering heat. The whole place was crawling with the enemy — the Taliban, “hajjis,” “skinnies,” “ragheads,” “woolies” — it didn’t matter what you called them because all they wanted was for you to be dead. The next day Patrick’s platoon got into a firefight not ten minutes into its first patrol.

The lieutenant colonel continued: “And nine months later, after hundreds of firefights, Sangin is secure. The schools are open. The Taliban has fled. The marketplace is busy. Your sons, and brothers, and husbands are heroes. You already know this, and now the world does, too.”

Patrick looked at the men mostly standing to either side of him and he saw that all had solemn young faces, few of them more than thirty years old. Many had been flown in from military hospitals around the country. Some had tears in their eyes and some were missing hands and fingers and feet. He saw amputees and double and triple amputees. There were wheelchairs and prosthetic limbs gleaming in the sunlight, and rebuilt faces and men with only one good eye and men with no good eye, and there were tears in eyes both good and bad, flesh and glass alike. Patrick saw brain-injured men who could not easily process what they were doing here or fully control their bodies, and those so severely wounded they could no longer care for themselves.

Patrick also knew that many of the men sitting around him carried scars and damage that few could see, except maybe for the people who loved them most. They carried anger, distrust, boredom, frustration. They bore flashbacks and sleepless nights and fits of temper. They wondered why their countrymen knew so little about what they had done. They were embarrassed and angered by the sudden effusive thankfulness they received from strangers — the applause, the beers bought, the meals on the house — and the uneasy silence that always followed. They wondered why the civilians used their freedom to spend hours at malls or in front of televisions and monitors watching insipid entertainment and playing games. They wondered why there were no bond drives or food drives or rubber drives to aid the war effort, like in the past. They wondered why it was all up to them, why the war felt like some bizarre excursion that only they were asked to take. They worried about how they were going to handle growing families and mounting debt with skills so often viewed as inappropriate for civilian work. They wondered how to make employers see that not every ex-fighter was a ticking bomb. They wanted something they could do and do well, something specific that had meaning. Most of them wanted, deep down in their burdened young hearts, Patrick knew, to go back and fight again, because war was by far the greatest excitement they had ever known and it was honest and selfless and brought meaning to some.

Patrick knew that there were other men here who, like him, had derived no meaning from the death and destruction. And he believed that this was a wound too — the shock of being hit by a truth that was difficult to speak and painful to hear — that these deaths and mutilations, these last full measures, had gained nothing. He remembered patrolling the enormous fields of opium poppies not to destroy them but to protect the crop and the farmers from the Taliban. And he remembered realizing, as the weeks wore on and they patrolled and fought and died for meager portions of ground, that after they went home the Taliban would come down from the mountains, and the poppies and the profits and Sangin would be theirs again and there would be no one strong and generous and brave enough to fight them off.

Then some of the returned men came to the mic and spoke of their brothers-in-arms, and these tributes were tearful and filled with love and respect and gratitude.

“McClellan was a brother to me...”

“I think Corporal Lavinder was personally sent to me by God. He saved my life and because of that, his is gone...”

“Fenwick was one of those guys, he walked into a room and lit it up...”

“What hurts most is knowing that Randy isn’t here...”

Patrick thought of Myers and Zane and the many others he had known who had died, and as the sunlight warmed his face he closed his eyes for just a moment and endured again the flash and the sound that strew Myers and Zane like rags to the steep rocky hillside. He let the sound ring in his ears until it quieted and he offered an open prayer to any God willing to hear it.

Then the families spoke. Wyatt Chukas, the brother of Private First Class Paul Chukas, brought Paul’s bomb-sniffing Labrador to the podium with him. Buddy was yellow and small for a lab and he sat with calm alertness as the man spoke. Wyatt told of his brother being mortally wounded by a Taliban sniper, and how when he fell, Buddy ran to him and stood over him until help could arrive. The Marines had brought the dog back and delivered him to the Chukas family and Buddy had gravitated to Wyatt. Patrick wished he had Zane back here and thought, You feel the tears piling up behind your sunglasses because Buddy was Zane, and Myers was Chukas and you were all in hell together but only Buddy and you are alive to remember it and who was it, exactly, got to make that fucking decision? You stand here now but you can’t be blamed for living. You pray: don’t blame me. Your throat aches and it feels like something inside is going to break loose but it doesn’t. It hasn’t yet. The breeze cools your face and your back aches from standing in one place for so long.

Later Patrick excused himself from his family and Iris then drove Bostik, Salimony, and Messina to a liquor store in Oceanside, where they stocked up. They doubled back to the beach on base, which was open only to military and their guests. Today there were few people. Patrick used four-wheel and drove right down onto the sand. The waves were small and the surface of the water was burred by the breeze. They drank bourbon and tequila mixed with soft drinks and played two-on-two football and got soaked to their knees in the cold water. They dug into the sand around a concrete fire ring and slept.