You-jeong Jeong - The Good Son

‘Sit down. It’s a long story.’ My voice was unexpectedly calm and cool.

Hae-jin shook his head, crossing his arms.

‘Two days ago…’ I started.

Hae-jin’s eyes slowly scanned mine as though they were as vast as the solar system.

‘…I woke up smelling blood.’

Hae-jin didn’t say a word in the two hours it took me to tell him everything. He seemed not even to take a breath. He stood like a statue, looking at me so that I couldn’t hide behind lies or rationalisations. But I didn’t even want to make myself look better. I didn’t want to minimise the situation, deceive him, get him to pity me or try to wriggle out of this. I just did my best to clearly explain what had happened over the last few days. I tried not to say what I wanted to say, but only what I had to say. I suppressed the desire to argue, excuse or deny. I couldn’t say I was completely honest, but I was more honest than I had been in a long time. ‘I still feel like I’m living a nightmare,’ I concluded.

Hae-jin’s eyes changed every moment; they were burning, then cold, then dark. I stopped talking. I didn’t want to keep explaining myself or ask for his understanding or bring up our friendship. The silence between us continued for a long time, thick and impenetrable. It made me feel suffocated. It was a harsh, terrifying silence, the kind where all you can do is wait for it to pass. Despair began to seep into me. I’d hoped that he would stand by my side no matter what anyone else said, no matter what I did. I kept waiting. He had to say something. Even if it was something like: Okay, or: You piece of shit, I wish you were dead. Then I could leave and go on my way.

He walked past me and stopped in front of the sliding doors to the roof deck.

Even though I knew there was no use pleading with him, I reached out and grabbed his elbow. ‘Can’t you look later? After I leave?’

He shook me off. Or rather, he shuddered. He glanced back at me, his eyes revealing his disgust clearly. A chill descended over my body, and my arms and legs stiffened. Hae-jin opened the door. My stomach dropped as he stepped outside. I had the urge to dash out of the room. What are you waiting for? I thought. Just leave.

‘Stay right there,’ ordered Hae-jin, his voice trembling.

Outside, darkness had fallen. He walked quickly across the roof deck and paused in front of the rubber bin. He snatched off the lid, almost angrily. The gasp he let out reached my ears. The lid fell out of his hand and clattered to the ground.

I thought of Auntie sitting in the bin. Her cheek would be on her knees, and her eyes would be closed, as though she were sleeping; I’d pressed those eyelids down so that her judgemental stare would never look at anyone again.

Hae-jin turned away, looking pale. He hesitated, afraid to check on the next thing. I wanted to yell, Stop! If he hadn’t gone straight to the pergola, I might have run out to block his way and ask whether he really had to do this.

He pushed the tabletop open. I thought back to the morning I’d found Mother’s body in the living room, that moment of shock when my feet seemed to slip out from under me, when everything turned dark and I couldn’t move. I remembered how I’d spent all that time kneeling beside her, waiting for a light to turn on inside my dark head so that I would be able to do something, anything. Hae-jin seemed to be going through each of those moments in a similar sequence; maybe he was hearing his own screams exploding inside his head, thinking it all had to be a bad dream.

He stood in front of the table under the pergola, shuddering as though he were standing on top of a truck hurtling at full speed. I could read his devastation even though his back was facing me and I was watching from inside my room. I didn’t move, still perched on my desk. I couldn’t do anything but wait, though it made me feel as though I couldn’t breathe. I had tried my best but I was free-falling into hell. And at the very bottom was a small boy who above all else wanted to be understood, whining futilely, But you’re on my side, right?

By the time he turned round to face me, my tongue was stuck to the roof of my mouth. I didn’t know why I was sitting there looking at him so desperately. What, specifically, was I waiting for?

He stepped back into my room and closed the sliding door behind him. His eyes were not focused on anything and he didn’t look dazed or angry. He certainly didn’t appear to be sad. I’m sure he didn’t know what to do, but shouldn’t he say something to the person he had just ordered to stay put?

‘I’m going to leave now,’ I announced.

Hae-jin finally looked at me in shock. ‘You’re going to leave?’ His jaw tensed and I imagined him thinking, Who says you can, and where do you think you’re going to go?

‘Look after yourself, Hae-jin.’ I stuck my hand out.

His gaze went down to my hand and came up to my face again. I could hear him breathing loudly. His eyes seemed to be getting wider and his face was turning red. I remembered seeing eyes like this before, not Hae-jin’s, but Mother’s, two nights ago. You… You, Yu-jin… You don’t deserve to live.

I lowered my eyes and nodded to indicate that I understood. Mother had been Hae-jin’s saviour, someone who’d welcomed him after he’d become an orphan and loved him for the last ten years. After two days of confusion, he’d finally seen the corpse of the woman he considered his mother. Of course he was shocked. I got that it would be hard for him to understand me at this moment.

‘Okay,’ I said. ‘Let’s not do this. I’m just—’

His fist slammed into the side of my face, with all his weight behind it. I heard a loud bang inside my ear and my chin was jerked to the side. I staggered.

‘Look after yourself?’ He punched me in the chest. I felt as though my ribs were collapsing. A groan erupted from my throat. I couldn’t breathe. I hugged my chest and bent forward. A sharp, heavy pain radiated up the side of my body and my back. ‘Look after yourself?’ Hae-jin’s voice was brimming with rage.

I managed to look up at him. I wanted to say something but I couldn’t make any noise. The third punch caught me in the throat. Sourness spurted up into my mouth. The world twirled below my feet. I fell over.

Hae-jin launched himself on top of me. ‘Is that really what you’re going to say to me, you bastard?’

Punches poured in from all directions. My left cheek, right cheek, eyes, nose, lips, chin. The punches were frenzied and fearless. My eyes swelled instantly. I couldn’t see anything. Warm blood covered my whole face. My teeth felt loose. I let go. I lay down and didn’t resist or defend myself. I gave myself over, letting him hit me as much as he wanted to. My thoughts slowed as he punched. My anxiety subsided. Everything was fucked up, but I felt strangely relieved. It almost felt like penance after a difficult confession.

‘How can you say that to me, you bastard?’ He grabbed me by the front of my shirt and shook me violently. My ears buzzed. I was dizzy. His face became faint and formless. I realised he was crying. His mouth was twisted, his eyes were red, and he was letting out guttural sobs. ‘Why did you do this? What made you do it? What are you going to do, you fucking piece of shit?’

I gritted my teeth. Hae-jin had been a brother to me. The one who had given me the freedom to be who I was. The only one.

He was sobbing harder, ‘Your life… you…’ He threw me aside and collapsed.

I was the one who was pummelled, but he was the one who was spent. He lay on his back, his limbs askew. I closed my eyes. Listening to him, I thought about his question: What are you going to do? I wanted to believe that these sobs, which were more wretched than when his grandfather died, were for me.