You-jeong Jeong - The Good Son

I didn’t hesitate any longer. I opened my eyes. I grabbed Mother’s jaw with my left hand. I shoved the blade under her left ear, where the wound started. The incision sucked the razor in without resistance. It was as if the wound itself had moved, gripping onto the blade. The din in my head vanished. Quiet came over me.

My hand moved automatically, without hesitation, following the gaping wound fluidly. Each motion felt perfectly familiar – the soft resistance of the inner flesh, the smooth passage of the blade. The razor slid past the chin and arrived under the right ear in one easy swoop.

My visual field narrowed, as though a dark screen had lowered at either temple. Fragmented images and expressions came to me: long dancing hair, a cheek contorting, pupils dilating and contracting, lips moving as if to say something. Soon, reality was completely snuffed out. Heavy darkness pressed in from all sides and loomed over me. The door to my memories, which had been so firmly closed, was opening.

From inside that door, Mother called, ‘Yu-jin.’

‘Yu-jin,’ Mother called from the front door, her voice low and flat. I stood silently in front of the steel door to the roof. I didn’t have the strength to make a sound. Exhaustion weighed me down. I felt as if I were asleep on my feet.

‘Yu-jin!’ This time her voice was two pitches higher, as though she knew I was standing there.

From the seventh floor, Hello, that stupid dog, was barking, as he did every single time I used the main stairwell.

‘Yes,’ I called. I pocketed the key to the roof door and went down the stairs.

She was standing with her arms crossed, leaning against the railing of the main stairwell, watching me come down. The front door was half open. A yellow glow from inside the flat illuminated her from the side. Hello kept yapping downstairs.

‘Where were you?’ Mother’s thin lips looked blue and cold. She was in a white nightgown and slippers, her spindly legs bare.

I stopped four steps from the bottom. ‘I went for a run.’ My tongue felt thick, as though I had woken up from an anaesthetic.

‘Come down here. Take off your mask and answer me properly.’

I took the mask off and put it in my jacket pocket. I shoved both hands in my pockets and went down the rest of the stairs on shaky legs.

As Mother scanned me from head to toe, it felt as though her gaze could skin me alive.

‘I said I went for a run.’ I looked back at her.

She pressed her lips together, seemingly troubled. Agitated, perhaps, or maybe angry or sad. The one thing I knew was that whatever she was feeling, she was tamping it down before it exploded. ‘Why were you sneaking in via the roof terrace?’

‘I didn’t want to wake you up,’ I answered, though I didn’t expect her to accept that explanation.

‘Come inside.’

My toes twitched inside my muddy shoes. Below my waist, I felt my organs settle lower. Mother’s scream that had shaken the dark streets echoed in my ears. Did I hallucinate that? I wanted to run away. I might have fled right then if I hadn’t been so drained, if I hadn’t been shivering so much, if I hadn’t been worried that I was about to have a seizure.

‘Why don’t you come in?’ Mother’s voice softened a little and her eyes turned gentle, as though she could read my thoughts. ‘Hello’s going crazy.’

He was. The only way to shut that annoying dog up was to go into our flat. I walked past Mother and stepped inside. She followed right behind me and closed the door. The click of the lock echoed in my mind. I paused in the foyer. I had to take my hands out of my pockets to yank off my sopping shoes. Something dropped to the floor and rolled away. I didn’t have a chance to look down to see what it was. Mother was so close behind me that I could feel her breath on the back of my neck. I stepped into the flat as though being pushed.

‘Stop right there.’ Her voice shifted. Cold, hard, low.

I stopped in front of Hae-jin’s room and turned my head. Mother was standing there staring at me. Her complicated expression had disappeared and only one emotion was left in her eyes. Anger. She was livid.

‘Take that off.’ She held out her hand.

I took off my jacket and vest and handed them over. She started going through the pockets. She yanked out my iPod, earphones, mask and roof key, then shoved them back in. She dropped the clothes by the door and came right up under my chin. She moved aggressively, as though charging at me with her horns lowered. I flinched and leant back. Before I knew what was happening, she’d shoved her hands into the pockets of my sweatpants and taken them out in a flash. By the time I’d moved my own hands, saying, ‘Uh…’ it was already too late. Mother took a step back. She was holding the razor.

‘Give that back.’ I swiped for it.

She was faster. She blocked me with her arm and lunged at me. I was completely caught off guard. It was as if she were fighting off a rapist, she was so determined. I lost my balance, stepped back and fell; my head snapped backwards and banged on the stairs. Everything darkened and shook. I felt clammy and I couldn’t breathe. I managed to brace myself against the stairs and raise my head. Our eyes met.

I opened my mouth but nothing came out. My vocal cords were locked away. Mother’s eyes were wide open, red with veins. She was like a burning tree. The air crackled.

‘Mum, I—’

She cut me off. ‘You…’ She pointed the blade straight at my face.

Something quaked in my abdomen.

‘You, Yu-jin…’ Her voice was wobbly. The hand holding the razor was shaking as well. She was panting. ‘You don’t deserve to live.’

I teetered to my feet. With unfocused eyes, I watched her come at me. I couldn’t feel a thing. I couldn’t think of anything to say. The inside of my mind was dark, as though a switch had been turned off.

‘I should have done away with you.’ Mother stood right in front of my chest. Her eyes were like blades.

I felt behind me with my foot and climbed up a stair.

‘We should have died back then. You and me both.’ She shoved me hard with the hand that held the razor.

I was so stunned by this ambush that I didn’t have the chance to deflect it. I fell backwards again. I didn’t have time to dwell on the searing pain that flared up my back. I couldn’t even breathe. I had to escape this razor-wielding grim reaper. I felt behind me again and pushed myself up another stair. ‘Mum, tomorrow. I’ll tell you everything in the morning.’

‘Tell me what?’ Mother shrieked, following me.

I dragged myself up a few more steps.

‘What is there to say?’ she demanded.

‘All of it. Whatever you want.’ I was starting to panic. There were still two steps to the landing. ‘I’ll tell you everything. From the beginning. Please…’ I finally reached the landing, but she shoved me again.

The back of my head banged on the corner of the wall, but I managed to regain my footing and stay upright.

‘Do it.’ Mother closed in on me. She grabbed my wrist. ‘Do it while I watch. I want you to do it in front of me.’ She tried to place the razor into my palm.

I yanked my hand away.

‘What, are you scared?’ She grabbed my wrist again and stepped closer. ‘Or do you think it’s unfair to have to die alone?’

Standing against the corner of the wall, I shook my head. I wanted to yank my arm away, but there was no room. I couldn’t escape without pushing her aside.

‘Don’t worry. When you’re gone, I’ll go too.’

My breathing was shallow. My chest felt heavy, as though my lungs were filling with water. I was standing on dry land and yet I felt as if I were drowning. I ripped Mother’s hand off my wrist and squeezed it. With my newly freed hand, I twisted the hand holding the razor.