Jennie Ensor - The Girl in His Eyes

‘Not so good.’ He scowled, picking at a patch of candle wax on the dining table. ‘Orders are down, profits are down, and bonuses will be too, most likely. It’s the worst it’s been in nine years. This recession is…’ As he went into detail about the problems the company was facing, Laura drifted away from the conversation. Instead, she found herself contemplating the large bruise-like mark on the wall beside the display cabinet, and the gaudy flowers spreading over the heavy curtains. The smell of geraniums hovered behind everything, and that web of small familiar sounds – the murmur of a radiator, the plaintive mews of the cat, the occasional rhythmic clack-clack of a distant train. The house seemed to be drawing her in, as if she’d never left.

‘You’re very quiet, Laura,’ her father remarked suddenly in a loud voice, startling her. ‘How’s the job going?’

‘I spent all day typing out captions again,’ she replied. ‘If I stay there any longer, my brain will turn to mush.’

It had sounded like an interesting, possibly exciting job – trainee production assistant in a TV production company. But they didn’t make documentaries anymore, only film trailers with booming voiceovers, and adverts for DIY stores and dog food. Worse, a large part of every day was taken up with whatever tedious tasks no one else wanted to do, which, by 5.30pm, made her want to scream.

‘You’ll keep on with it, won’t you?’ Her father’s tone fell somewhere between sharp and resigned. ‘All you’ve done since leaving college is float from one job to the next. If you don’t get stuck into this one, you’re going to be unemployable.’

She said nothing. Her father was probably right. Three months into this job, her third since leaving university, she had no idea what she wanted to do with the rest of her life. Her first job, in the V&A museum shop, had gone well until they’d made her redundant after four months. After temping in various offices she’d finally found another ‘permanent’ job, in the customer service section of a telecoms company. But she’d walked out after a month, sick of the constant supply of disgruntled callers.

The problem was, she didn’t know what she wanted to do. She wasn’t interested in politics, journalism, or the civil service. She couldn’t imagine being a teacher – in any case, there was no need for history teachers at the moment. Research, maybe. But there were no jobs for researchers without experience. It wasn’t the right attitude, she knew, but lately she’d had less and less expectation for her future.

After dinner, Laura sat with her parents in the living room. When the BBC Ten O’Clock News was over she told them she was tired and she’d see them in the morning.

Across the landing from her parents’ room, her old bedroom waited, its door ajar. These days she hardly ever slept in it, apart from a night or so over Christmas. The room smelled of the lavender pouches her mother used to ward off moths. Its walls were still covered in the lilac shade of paint she’d chosen, aged eleven. On the shelf, her battered straw hat lay atop a row of the hunky volumes on archaeology and ancient history collected over her teenage years. Her overnight bag had been placed on the single bed and her battered childhood slippers lay side by side beneath the dressing table, which had been carefully arranged with her left-behind jewellery and hair accessories.

Everything looked homely and welcoming. She pushed away a sudden sense of confinement and loneliness, of boundaries slipping, of time slipping. She was her twelve-year-old self again, waiting for something awful to happen.

Laura undressed, pulled on a long, stretchy top, and lay in bed with the bedside lamp on. A hundred sounds percolated into her brain, each demanding attention. The drone of a plane heading towards Heathrow. A soft scraping from downstairs that she couldn’t identify, followed by a hollow clatter – her mother cleaning the cat’s bowl, maybe. Footsteps on the stairs. A series of creaks from the landing. Subdued voices from her parents’ bedroom then the click of their door closing. Finally, she switched off the lamp.

There’s nothing to be afraid of , she told herself.

The garden seemed smaller and neater than she remembered. Its grass verges were trimmed, the rose bushes pruned. The earwig-infested tree stumps had been taken away. No fallen leaves cluttered the lawn. It was hard to recognise the sprawling garden she’d known as a child, with its endless places to play and hide.

Laura looked up at the featureless layer of thick cloud obscuring the sky. It was nearly midday. She had woken late after another bad night’s sleep and taken a cup of tea up to her room before getting up. Then she’d done her best to help her mother, who’d been trying to peel carrots, look for fluted glasses, and season the guinea fowl. Her father was in good spirits, popping in and out of the kitchen to make sauces and help himself to nuts and wine when he wasn’t occupied with his latest stereo, a birthday present to himself. She was thinking she ought to go back inside and offer to lay the table when her mother appeared in the doorway of the conservatory.

‘Laura! Daniel and Karen are here!’

After the greetings were over they were corralled into the living room, where her father opened his presents. Flurries of conversation were helped along by a bottle of Prosecco and her father’s well-honed charm. Despite this, the occasion felt awkward. Her mother kept rushing out to tend to something in the kitchen, and said little. Her brother seemed less relaxed than usual, and Karen smiled nervously, from time to time glancing at Daniel for reassurance. He had no doubt warned Karen about Dad’s uncertain moods. And maybe she sensed something else besides a bad temper lurking beneath his jovial surface.

They all sat around the dining table eyeing the pot of stew her mother was ladling onto plates. Pintard something or other.

Daniel raised his glass. ‘Happy birthday, Dad. Roll on sixty!’

Laura wished her father a happy birthday with the others.

‘Start, everyone,’ her mother urged, before turning to Karen with a smile of encouragement. ‘So, what made you want to be a vet?’

Laura shifted in her chair. She was uneasy again. She watched her father as he discussed the latest Test match with her brother. As usual he was nicely turned out, in a dark-green silk shirt, open at the neck, black trousers and polished leather shoes. He sounded more than ever like an Englishman, only occasional traces of his Canadian accent coming through. He was on his best behaviour, she could tell. Her brother, with his shirt pressed and hair combed, looked oddly well-groomed for a weekend. Karen had made an effort too, with a smart velvet dress and carefully applied make-up. Her own make-up was minimal and her outfit simple – a blouse and short cardigan over narrow black jeans.

Karen and her mother were on to facials and their favoured remedies for open pores. Her mother laughed suddenly, and reached across to touch Karen’s arm. Already there was a warmth and ease between the two women. Laura looked away. She felt the echo of some long-ago emotion, one she’d almost forgotten. That ache of being left out, of wanting to join in but not knowing how.

Daniel caught her eye and winked at her. ‘Alright, sis?’

‘I’m fine.’ She turned her attention back to her plate, her serving mostly uneaten.

As their plates emptied, there was a hiatus in the conversation.

‘Does anyone want to hear a joke?’ Daniel looked around expectantly.

‘Go on then,’ said her mother.