Clare Mackintosh - I Let You Go

‘You’ve got nothing to be embarrassed about,’ Ray said. ‘I should never—’

‘It should never have happened,’ Kate said. ‘But it was just a kiss.’ She grinned at Ray, then took a bite of her sandwich, talking through a mouthful of cheese and pickle. ‘A nice kiss, but just a kiss.’

Ray let out a slow breath. It was going to be all right. It was an awful thing to have happened, and if Mags were to ever find out it would be devastating, but it was all okay. They were both grown-ups and they could chalk it up to experience and carry on as if nothing had happened. For the first time in twelve hours, Ray let himself remember how good it had felt, kissing someone so full of energy, so alive. He felt the heat rising up to his face again, and he coughed, pushing the thought away.

‘As long as you’re okay,’ he said.

‘Ray, it’s fine. Really. I’m not going to file a complaint against you, if that’s what you’re worried about.’

Ray reddened. ‘God no! That hadn’t crossed my mind. It’s just that, you know, I’m married, and—’

‘And I’m seeing someone,’ Kate said, bluntly. ‘And we both know the score. So it’s forgotten, okay?’

‘Okay.’

‘Now,’ Kate said, suddenly business-like, ‘the reason I came to find you was to ask what you thought about doing an anniversary appeal for the Jacob Jordan job.’

‘Has it been a year already?’

‘Next month. We’re unlikely to get a huge response, but if someone’s talked we might get some intel at least, and there’s always the possibility that someone’s finally ready to clear their conscience. Someone has to know who was driving that car.’

Kate’s eyes were bright, and she had the determined look on her face he knew so well.

‘Let’s do it,’ he said. He imagined the chief’s response to the proposal, and knew it wouldn’t bode well for his career path. But an anniversary appeal was a good idea. It was something they did from time to time on unsolved cases, if only to reassure families the police hadn’t given up completely – even if the case was no longer being actively investigated. It was worth a shot.

‘Great. I’ve got some paperwork to finish off from this morning’s job, but shall we get together this afternoon and plan the appeal?’ She gave Moira a cheery wave as she left the canteen.

Ray wished he had Kate’s ability to put the events of the previous night behind him. He was finding it hard to look at her without remembering her arms locked around his neck. He hid his leftover lasagne under a paper napkin and stacked his plate on the rack by the door. ‘Top job, Moira,’ he said as he passed the serving hatch.

‘Greek day tomorrow!’ she called after him.

Ray made a mental note to bring in sandwiches.

He was on the phone when Kate opened the door to his office without knocking. Realising Ray was busy, she mouthed apologetically and began to back out, but he gestured to her to sit down. She closed the door carefully and settled in one of the low chairs to wait for him to finish. He saw her glance at the photo of Mags and the children on his desk, and felt a fresh wave of remorse, struggling to keep his mind on his conversation with the chief constable.

‘Is it really necessary, Ray?’ Olivia was saying. ‘The chances of someone coming forward are slim, and my concern is that it will simply draw attention to the fact that we didn’t lock anyone up for the child’s death.’

His name is Jacob , Ray told her silently, echoing the words the boy’s mother had spoken, almost a year ago. He wondered if his boss was really as uncaring as she appeared.

‘And as there’s no one baying for justice, it seems unnecessary to stir the whole thing up again. I would have thought you had enough on your plate, what with the chief inspector boards coming up.’

The implication was obvious.

‘I had been thinking of asking you to take on the Creston estate drugs issue,’ the chief said, ‘but if you’d rather focus on an old job…’ Operation Break had been a success, and this wasn’t the first time in the last few weeks that the chief had dangled the carrot of an even bigger job in front of him. He wavered for a moment, then caught Kate’s eye. She was watching him intently. Working with Kate had reminded him why he joined the police all those years ago. He had found his old passion for the job, and from now on he was going to do what was right, not what suited the bosses.

‘I can do both,’ he said firmly. ‘I’m going to run the appeal. I think it’s the right decision.’

There was a pause before Olivia spoke. ‘One article in the Post , Ray, and some roadside appeal banners. Nothing more – and it’s all taken down within a week.’ She ended the call.

Kate waited for him to speak, anxiously tapping her pen against the arm of her chair.

‘We’re on,’ Ray said.

Kate’s face split into an enormous grin. ‘Well done. Is she furious?’

‘She’ll get over it,’ Ray said. ‘She just wants to make it known that she doesn’t approve, so she can be self-righteous when it backfires and public confidence takes a nose-dive again.’

‘That’s a bit cynical!’

‘That’s senior management for you.’

‘And you still want to get promoted?’ Kate’s eyes twinkled, and Ray laughed.

‘I can’t stay here for ever,’ he said.

‘Why not?’

Ray thought how good it would be to be able to ignore the politics of promotion, and simply focus on his job – a job he loved. ‘Because I have two kids to put through university,’ he said finally. ‘Anyway, I’ll be different, I won’t forget what it’s like on the ground.’

‘I’ll remind you of that when you’re chief constable,’ said Kate, ‘and you’re telling me I can’t run an anniversary appeal.’

Ray grinned. ‘I’ve spoken to the Post already: Suzy French is happy for us to piggy-back on to their anniversary feature with a call for witnesses and information leading to … et cetera. They’ll do the background stuff on Jacob, but I’d like you to call Suzy with the appeal details and phone number, and an official police quote about how we’re keen to speak to people in confidence.’

‘No problem. What are we going to do about his mother?’

Ray shrugged. ‘Run the appeal without her, I suppose. Talk to the head teacher at Jacob’s school, ask her whether she’d be happy to speak to the paper. It would be good to get an angle they’ve not had before, if that’s possible. Maybe they’ve got a piece of artwork he did at school? A painting or something. We’ll wait and see if the appeal turns up anything before we start looking for the mother – she seems to have disappeared off the face of the earth.’

Ray was furious with the Family Liaison Officer for not keeping better tabs on Jacob’s mother. Not that he was surprised the woman had gone. In his experience, most people had one of two reactions when they lost someone: either they vowed never to move house, keeping rooms exactly the way they’d been left, like some sort of shrine; or they made a clean break, unable to bear the thought of living every day as though nothing had changed, when in fact their whole world had shifted.

After Kate had left his office, he contemplated Jacob’s photo, which was still pinned to the corkboard on the wall. The edges had curled a little, and Ray pulled it carefully off the board and smoothed it out. He propped Jacob’s photo against the framed picture of Mags and the kids, where he could see it more easily.

The anniversary appeal was a last-ditch effort, and one unlikely to succeed, but at least it was something. And if it didn’t work, then he would send the papers for filing, and move on.